Sexless In Seatle

Hi, I'm a 42 year old attractive female that has been married for 13 years and Sexless for alot of my marriage.  Our sex life started out super hot and then totally fizzled.  I am super open about sex there is not much that I would say no to.  My husband is 9 years older than me and i don't know if that is his issue but i Have been turned down so many times that i don't even try anymore.  I told him in the beginning that I was interested in girls.  I have always fantasized about them... he encouraged me to explore. So i did and we did.  It led us to the Swinger lifestyle which i have had a blast with and i think that he has too, but now he needs to see me with other people to get turned on by me.  I think he should want just ME!!!! We don't fight about much except sex and that is just a huge turn off.  He says he wants me but there is no action behind the words.  I was a very sexual person and its like that part of me is dying.  I don't even ********** anymore.  Its depressing.  If you have any advice i would appreciate it.  I don't mean to wine about it...It has just become a focal point and a very sore spot in our marriage.  Thanks
fungirl1515 fungirl1515 41-45 3 Responses Apr 13, 2012

Your Response


I'd say it is a sore spot indeed. How long has he been disinterested?

It looks to me as if you have put your finger on what the issue is yourself. The problem is that there may simply be no solution that involves both of you.

You say he only gets turned on when sex involves one or more third parties and while you enjoy this 'innovative' aspect of it you also enjoy sex with your partner because they are your partner. He, on the other hand finds it boring. That doesn't mean he finds you boring but he finds sex with you boring. It may not mean that the sex is inadequate but that it simply does not excite him. A number of men appear to find their partners having sex with other men or women gets their mojo going in a way that it simply doesn't in a more traditional context. I don't know why but I won't criticise it because it is what it is and to criticise it is not helpful. I am not sure if they understand it either. Some like playing the role as a cuckold, others like the excitement, the 'illicit' nature of it or whatever. Maybe it is the notion of 'renting' out something that usually 'belongs' to him, ie. sex with you, not you per se? Maybe it is the notion of sharing what he enjoys with you with others, that gives a boosted thrill? Maybe it is just the variety involved? Who knows?

The problem may be that not only is the nature of his libido defined by this 'whatever', but also the frequency of invoking his libido is determined by this. It not a case of 'both', it not even a case of either/or, it is simply a case of 'only'. If it does not bother him simply for the sake of the relationship then there is nothing to be done other than plan your exit strategy as per Baz's advice and seek to find a sexual partner who is more attune with your own needs and wants.

The "why" could be that he is 9 years older, could be that his tastes have become more divergent, could be anything that is the "why" he is now intimacy averse with you.

You can, and most likely are, driving yourself crazy chasing HIS "why".

Is he showing any interest at all in HIS "why" ?? Because that is the key. Only HE can do something about HIS "why". You can't, you don't own it. HE owns it.

So IS he showing any inclination at all in acknowledging he has a "why" ? any sign at all that he is addressing his "why" in any way ?, any evidence at all that he is making any sort of effort relative to his "why" ?

If not, you'd be well advised to recognise what you have in front of your eyes as being "it".

Are you up for another 3 or 4 decades of this ?

Tread your own path.