Sever That Limb....

Being a pretty capable sort of person, I can usually think my way out of almost anything... 

Being in a sexless marriage (with the accompanying soul destroying, self esteem crushing abuse that goes along with that) left me devoid of that ability.

It took being out of it for two years (the required amount of time, it seems, for change to become entrenched, pain to be brought to a manageable level, grief to become bearable) for me to begin to regain that ability.

Until I had regained that ability, I found myself "trapped" in three jobs where I was taken advantage of, mistreated, underpaid for extra time worked... and I could not think my way out of them...

I couldn't think my way out of that marriage either... it was ended for me by the abuse finally becoming physical, and him being removed by the authorities.

I didn't think my way out of that last job either... I had to be essentially rescued...

The effects of sexless marriage removes power from the powerful... strength from the strong, and intellect from the brilliant. It brings us all to our knees.

The certain knowledge that there is no alternative but to completely tear down your life and be left to rebuild it from scratch is beyond daunting... finding your own way out, without someone to go to, or help from an outside source, is akin to making the decision to, alone and without anesthetic, remove a limb to save yourself from an avalanche... 

Little wonder we stay, and stay... 

...but believe me this when I say... Once you are out, and looking at that horror through your rear view mirror... You cannot begin to understand, nor I, or the others who have made it out, begin to communicate to you... the enormous lifting of pain, and clarity of vision.

The immediate and first emotion is to feel angry, ashamed, disgusted, and disbelieving, all rolled into one... that it took you so damn long to finally make that step into freedom, and the rest of your life!
FriendofPromise FriendofPromise
51-55, F
15 Responses Apr 16, 2012

Thank you for your story

Definitely rated up. The restraints that keep one in limbo are complex and intertwined and yes, there is often a need to tear down one's life and rebuild. The thing is, its possible to use pieces of salvage in the rebuilding. In the process comes a transformation, a rediscovery of parts you lost , that zest and edge you had and a discovery of new attributes. Blessings.

Thank you, all... for your comments and your support.<br />
<br />
It's been a long and rocky path, but it gets better every day. I have never once, in spite of everything, regretted my marriage ending. It needed to happen.<br />
<br />
If you are hanging around by a thread... cut the thread. You will, quite honestly, be glad you did!

Not only can you be broken mentally but if you don't pay attention you will break physically. It took stage 4 cancer to make me move. A sexless marriage is but a reflection of so much more. The journey may be daunting but we are alive again. Yes it takes time, 2 years, at least but it is for the rest of your life. I had to make changes in myself once the cancer was gone.

Yes, you are so right... the physical manifestations of the stress and pain are very real...

...and yes, it does take time...

FoP, <br />
I can't say anything but hope that you just feel the love of all your supporters here on ep. The rawness of the emotions, and the manner in which you stated them, was only exceeded by the hopeful, optimistic outlook for your future.<br />
<br />
You've given others of us hope just by being honest and sharing your journey.<br />
<br />
All I can say is you have all of our gratitude, and kindred spirit-ship!<br />
<br />
Thanks, and as we move forward into a new life, may all of your days be filled<br />
with joy, laughter, love, and real intimacy!

Thank you! This group and the amazing support here has sustained me through it all... I do feel the love...

I am a naturally optimistic sort... tho I did lose that for a while, it is back, and I'm moving forward... May your days be filled with all those wonderful things too!

That's just how I feel utterly drainedof all my energy- WOW!! Thank you that post is truly inspirational!!

I most sincerely wish for you, a solution to your situation... we are all here for you...

Waking up this morning I had to re-read your powerful post. It took me to the time in early 2009 when I found this forum. Back then most who have now freed themselves, where still tied in their sm. We were not unlike the newer forum posters. We were asking the very hard questions, and living in a denial hell. The 'Whys' were thrown back and forth like a volley ball tournament. We questioned our own sanity as to why we would think of leaving just because we were not receiving the intimacy we thought would come to us thru marriage. It was such agony I recall. We listened, we argued with some of the very strong thoughts others posted. We went away for months from here, because we were so blistered in our own thoughts. That is the power of the truth. Something that our refusers have always hid behind. I will always be grateful for this forum.

This forum literally saved my life... and my sanity... The strength and courage I gained from the people who walked the path out, before me, with me and after me, sustained me.

Each day is better than the day before...

Very nice FOP. And thanks I really needed to read this today.

Many hugs and much love... I have days like that too...

This is probably in the top 10 posts on ILIASM, if not top 5. Rated up.

I am honoured... thank you!

Dearest FOP, you have sold and seen your horses abused and put down, you have endured endless humilation and I shall never forget our trusted bond. Sexlessness in my prospective as a woman is hard to comprehend. Women think men are a slam dunk at sex, we stereotyped it in our own heads. For a man to not desire a woman is just hard to fathom. But we learned here on this very forum how stereotypes are far far away. We left, we chewed off our own limbs to get to this place we call clarity. We are clear, yet foggy from this distressful situation.

Yes... you are a fellow trouper... and we did find our way through, and out the other side of very long and torturous trail...

Good to see you!

Much love,

I love you too. I hope we get to meet in rl at some point. You and Ron are my heros. He as my opposite, you as me personified. Much Respect to you alway FOP

Stranger things have happened... I love to travel... and have nothing to hold me back now.

FofP, you were the first EPeep to reach out to me and add me to my circle a few years ago.

1 More Response

Terrific post FoP.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

Thanks, Baz!



When you're treated like crap for so long, you start to think that that's just how it is. I am glad you are looking at it from the rear view mirror now.

Me too... I am hoping for you that you too will soon be able to solve your situation... and be seeing it in the rear view mirror!

Thanks. I hope so, too.

Absolutely brilliant FOP!<br />
<br />
And this is IT for me … “The certain knowledge that there is no alternative but to completely tear down your life and be left to rebuild it from scratch is beyond daunting” … THAT, right there. It is not the “fear of being alone”, or that the “grass is not really greener”, or financial fear, or any other fear … rather it is the knowledge of the task in front of me.<br />
<br />
Just thinking about it is exhausting and as you stated, I am already exhausted from the refuser mindfvck.

It is probably the most stressful and difficult thing you will have to do in your life...

But... it will also carry the greatest reward... it really will.

Brilliant, FoP! I certainly relate with what you're saying about having the life sucked out of you. I never even really noticed until I finally confronted W last year. She said that I was so negative about myself and had lost ambition where I used to be a dreamer. It took that for me to realize how beaten down I had truly become.

My boss pointed out to me that he had noticed that over the previous couple of years that I had become much less playful and generally fun to work with...

I thought back, and that was exactly how long (at that time) my marriage had been sexless...

It effects every aspect of your life.

When I began to **** from self-loathing and blame to anger and hurt late last summer, I slipped into a depression. My boss noticed the same thing and questioner whether I was happy in my position.