I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Interesting Turn Of Events

By: CaptVere

Written on April 17th, 2012

So I just found out that one of my friends has been having the same issue as me, but in reverse. I had no clue. His wife is almost out the door because he won't be intimate with her. It was quite shocking and strange to have this come up while I'm dealing with same issue. My wife pressed the issue because she was interested in why they were having problems and I told her exactly why. She got pretty nervous and clingy at the notion that someone would end a marriage over this. So we had sex of course as well. Between this and me telling her that I won't live like this forever she seems to be getting the picture. Also, my motivation to improve myself has something to do with it as well I suspect because she might take that as a sign that I'm planning for the future (not entirely true, but not entirely untrue either).

Previous Next

By: CaptVere

Age: 31-35

795 people have read this story

Email:

Username:

Password:

Birthday:

By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.

15 responses

Texi

Through all these posts, I can't seem to find the reason as to why she won't have sex? Perhaps you could repost that bit.

Apr 18, 2012
2 likes
- CaptVere
  She won't have sex because she has no sex drive. That was revealed on our first 'talk', but I knew it all along, but was in denial. That is outlined in one of my stories. She never fantasizes, never needs it, and basically does it out of love for me. She does enjoy it though so that, and the fact that she is willing to try and wants to want it, is what we have working for us right now. I just suspect that she has never really been into me. Whether that's because she settled for me or because she just is essentially asexual I'm not sure and I'm not sure she knows either. Maybe she's just not ready to face the truth.
  
  Apr 18, 2012
  1 like
- Texi
  Has she been to counseling for this? Maybe I'd she gets her issues with sex worked out, then she'll want to have sex more often. Good luck my friend, and work on plan b.
  
  Apr 19, 2012
  1 like
FraidNot

Good for you!!!! You sound like you have a very healthy mindset for how to proceed. It is childish to turn down the one who has been turning you down...even though they deserve it. I can tell by what you have been posting lately that you are taking pride in yourself, and working to improve yourself. Others can learn from your example!

I agree with other comments that once your wife feels that the crisis is averted, she will likely return to her usual level of intimacy. But at least she has been warned, and you will be able to state your case with clarity and precision, if the time comes that you have to leave, she will have no choice but to take responsibility for the repercussions of her actions.

I do wish you all the best.

Apr 18, 2012
1 like
paxetlux

Sounds like press-ganged sex doesn't it? Unintentional, of course, but it is there. What lifespan would you give it? Would you dare broach the subject on those terms with your wife, or does the nature of the motivation not matter as much as the outcome? Maybe it can give you both some sort of breathing space while you work on something more equitable and desirable for both of you or do you think that is just about as good as it is going to get and that it not worth risking upsetting the apple cart?

Apr 17, 2012
1 like
- NorfolkAndChance
  Mmmmm, maybe it was anxiety sex, but there is a possibility that she's really realised that the **** could hit the fan, and really wants to help improve the marriage. We can't ALWAYS assume the worst in everybody.
  
  Apr 17, 2012
  1 like
- paxetlux
  You may well be right. However, whatever the motivation, if it is for the wrong reason, i.e. any reason other than wanting to have sex for the sake of sex, then it is hard to see how it will be sustainable. Even if it is sustained then it is likely to be perceived as less than genuine by the aggrieved party and that is as frequent a subject of grievance as the lack of sex altogether.
  
  Apr 18, 2012
  1 like
hl42

My DW was also sobered by a spate of friends going through divorce. Tends to concentrate the mind and blow up the complacency and dreams of happy-ever-after.

Agree with Bazz, you need to be ready to follow through wherever this leads, no BS to yourself or her because you'll be found out.

PS, did you find WTF your friend thought he was doing?

Apr 17, 2012
1 like
- CaptVere
  I didn't get into a detail with my friend yet. He sounds a lot like my wife actually. He says he loves his wife more than anything, but just doesn't feel like being intimate with her. His wife has a high libido and it doesn't sound like she is willing to accept that. This seems to have shaken my wife up a bit. It was definitely more of anxiety sex than sympathy sex, but I'm not going to turn it down. I won't turn sex down because it's unproductive to manipulate using sex and will just likely result in her closing off even more. My plan is basically this: 1) Tell her what the deal is and what the outcome will be if things don't improve. She is getting this message now I believe. 2) Continue to be a more secure, confident, and attractive person by focusing on self improvement. 3) Hopefully this will inspire my wife to be more attracted to me, but I don't have delusions about her suddenly finding me so attractive that she can't keep her hands off me. Either way though it's good for me to become a more productive and happier person, both for my family and for myself. I won't turn down sex or do anything else spiteful. I'll work on my marriage and give it every chance to succeed that I can. If things don't improve long term, at least I'll feel better about myself and that's still a good thing.
  
  Apr 17, 2012
  1 like
- OldTexasFreebird
  that is exactly what I see happening my my marriage - if it wasn't for a very close couple that just exploded recently I doubt things would have changed at all. But they have now. Not sure how long it will last but we will see.
  
  Apr 18, 2012
  1 like
- SamMatthews
  No offensive man, but your friend is just gay. Now I know I know, I can't say this I don't know him. No I don't but i have seen very simillair situations with other couples. When women don't want sex that usually doesnt' mean that they are homosexual, in some cases it does ofcourse, but when it comes to men it goes to almost all cases.
  
  Apr 18, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

Quoting you here - " I suspect because she might take that as a sign that I'm planning for the future"

I truly hope that this is an accurate assumption on her part.

You SHOULD be planning for your future, be that with - or without - her.

Have you seen a lawyer to see how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction (so you can get "plan #B" squared away and in your pocket) should the truth show that to be the way to go ?

Tread your own path.

Apr 17, 2012
2 likes
enna30

All and any signs of improvement are to be welcomed. Just be aware that it might not be lasting.

However, if your wife is in any way sensitive to the situation, she MUST realise that the key to staying married to you is to participate in a passionate and intimate sex life. Armed with this knowledge, she will (hopefully) recommit to your intimate relationship. It would be GREAT if your's was one of the success stories!!

Apr 17, 2012
6 likes
OldTexasFreebird

yep the old sympathy ****...

good luck with that

Apr 17, 2012
2 likes
- Petrushka
  no, that wasn't the sympathy ~, that was the anxiety ~ :-D
  
  Apr 17, 2012
  1 like

Your Response