I Must Be Petty...

First off, this is kind of a 'repost,' as I put this in I am a husband....section first...thought maybe to a broader audience I might get another take.

I've been married to my wife for more than 10 years, together even longer. We've had our ups and downs in the relationship, but over the last 3-5 years the sex has dropped to nearly zero. I could probably do more to make her feel special, but to be honest after this much time and resentment, I just don't have it in me anymore to be rejected. I still 'try' from time to time, but mostly I try not to try (if that makes sense). based on averages I'd say that 5% of the time I try she is willing, so 95% of the time I am rejected and left not just angry, but actually quite hurt. I've been at the point for the last year where divorce has become a real option, but I don't want to lose my son. I know that I am not a perfect husband and I'm sure if she were writing something like this it would sound different (I can admit to this being one-sided). To be petty, it has been over 4 months since we've had sex, previously it had been about 3 months...(pretty much the same over the last few years). There were a couple of big events in the last 4 months where one would assume that sex would be part of the relationship, (again, petty here). Her birthday, our 10 year anniversary, Valentine's day, my 30th birthday...all of them uneventful. We went out of town to a wedding, had the hotel room to ourselves, and nothing but fighting. That last part is as much my fault as hers, my frustration with the days events and constantly waiting (we are now ALWAYS late for EVERYTHING) had me upset about how we were late for a party with some of my family, which she in turn said she didn't want to go. I waited for an hour to convince her to go; in hindsight probably more because I didn't want to explain to my family why she didn't come than because I wanted her there, but I did want her to go and have a good time.

So, just summing up the last 4 months is like the last 6-7 years of our marriage and I feel like I don't have any say in the relationship and that I am always wrong when I want something from it. I suppose I'm just venting, my apologies.
inmytime inmytime
31-35, M
9 Responses Apr 17, 2012

Nothing for 4 months<br />
Nothing for 3 months before that<br />
Her birthday<br />
Valentines Day<br />
10 year anniversary<br />
Your 30th birthday<br />
Overnight hotel<br />
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You think it's "petty" to bring all this up? Has she convinced you it's "petty"?<br />
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That's not "petty" mate, it's a ******* disaster.<br />
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You are perfectly within your rights to tell her she is not living up to expectation and you want improvement, or else.<br />
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The "or else" is up to you.

Something you said stood out for me, maybe because I have experienced it with my H. And here it is:<br />
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“I waited for an hour to convince her to go; in hindsight probably more because I didn't want to explain to my family why she didn't come than because I wanted her there, but I did want her to go and have a good time.”<br />
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Now, given your stated context that your wife “did not want to go”, read the above statement again carefully, putting yourself in her shoes, and ask yourself how would this behavior make you feel?<br />
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Answer: You would feel as if someone was attempting to control you by using verbal bullying.<br />
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When I have made a decision or choice, my H will often argue the point endlessly in an effort to get me to chance my mind … 1. This is controlling behavior on his part and 2. It demonstrates his lack of respect for me (i.e. I am too stupid to make a good choice so he must convince me of the correct choice).<br />
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You certainly have the right to discuss the reasoning behind a particular decision she has made however, engaging in an hour-long discussion with the goal of changing her mind is controlling and disrespectful toward her. I do not know you or your wife and, this may have been a one-time incident. However, if this behavior is a pattern in your arguments/discussions, then you both need to address it … because it is an intimacy-killer.

Your wife is planning to leave you OBVIOUSLY. I bet if you asked 10 of her friends they would say the same. <br />
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Your wife refuses you because she wants you to get the message and leave her but clearly that is not working. So, the toxic behavior will escalate. <br />
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Welcome to the club! We all know how you feel.

I just want to say that maybe , it is the fact that she may not feel attractive anymore? Sometimes women go through that after they have a child or become a mother and they feel the pressure to be physically perfect or they feel the pressure to do everything they can to keep their family happy and be sexy at the same time and some even have to work and then feel expected to do all this and it can become extremely overwhelming . I do know that every woman wants to feel sexy and wanted by her husband..sometimes a woman can feel like her husband is not making her feel sexy enough to have sex, or she may feel like she has to prepare for the sex and can not just give in to a passionate love-making session because she doesn't "look right"...I know it is really sad that women feel this way but in all fairness it is society's fault that this happens to women. That is why it is my opinion that within your marriage you have to let each other know that you are very important to each other..you have to really listen to your wife and be there for her when she wants to talk and respond to her with supportive and sweet words, because if you romance a woman in this way her mind is more at ease and her body can loosen up and prepare for sex..Remember again that woman want to be wanted , they want to be told they are sexy and that you want them so try that too. you also need to make it clear to her that you see her as sexy and desirable almost all the time and that you want to make love to her and it hurts you to be denied so much and rejected..then see how she responds and maybe work on those things ..Also I want to ask if you have told her anything that may have made her self conscience about her appearance ? even if it was supposed to be a joke she could have taken it seriously..

Are you ******* kidding me? You are going to ask this guy to 'understand' that his wife tearing apart his family is just normal?

Maybe she feels unattractive, women need to feel sexy, wanted, blah, blah, blah.

Look if your husband is constantly wanting to stick it in you, then you are attractive, sexy, and wanted.

Got it?

It may seem that simple to us guys but if she feels he's just fulfilling his animal instinct to stick it in her and not because he finds her attraction then the magic is lost.

If you can't get the spark back you once had for each other, I'm sorry, your marriage is over.

Petty? Petty? You're getting brainwashed into accepting the unacceptable. And trying to justify it to yourself because your son needs you.<br />
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It would be great for your son to have the real you, happy & fulfilled - whatever your marital status.<br />
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Check it out with a lawyer right now.

Get counseling and see if you can fix this, if not get out and use your youth more wisely. Why do you have to lose your son?

Remember the film "War of the Roses", Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner? Apart from the ridiculous happy ending do you see any parallels?

Quoting you here - "I've been at the point for the last year where divorce has become a real option, but I don't want to lose my son"<br />
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If you have not done so, see a lawyer to establish how a divorce would shake out in your jurisdiction. Within that fr<x>amework you ought be able to concoct a solution that sees you with reasonable access to your son. <br />
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Get some facts.<br />
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Tread your own path.