Bring It On

Great man, good life, nice jobs, no kids. Lot's of love, respect, cuddleing, kissing, affection, sex twice a week to this day. Married for 5 years. First two years amazing, next years went into a sexual disconect. He started refusing sex a lot but listened to my pleads and tried harder. Sex twice a week still happening but wierd, mechanical, initiated by me most of the time. Totally draining me...making me not know who I am anymore.

Tried talking, read books on the subject, tried talking again, joined EP. H expained that this is how he is and he thinks we're doing pretty good. He says that this is how married life is.

I am super sexual, into everything when it comes to the bedroom. Offerd BJ's to H like candy. H refused it most of the time. At a certain point he said that it is obvious that I am not happy with who he is and that he has a feeling because of these" talks" we are going to hate each other so it's better to get a divorce. I spoke to a loyer...changed my mind and dropped it all together. I sure resented him for wanting an easy out. i felt like if you love somebody you work on it you don't just give up. It took me a while to get over that feeling.

I opposed and fought for my marriage and for the love of my life. I realized he knows he can not offer more and is being honest about it. I said I will learn to live with it because he is an amazing guy. Never possesive, always kind, helping with everything, intelligent, we fight like normal married people do nothing crazy. We take nice vacations, we get allong and there is no other disconect besides the sexual part wich is pretty important. I trully put things on paper and I can not find anything else negative about him.

Later on I discovered a por***  addiction. He would not quit. He is hiding into the bathroom with his computer. Had a talk again he said " it is normal" and lots of men do it and that was that. I realized with time passing that he trully believes there is nothing wrong with watching stuff. I have a saying" If you please your wife properly you can  watch **** all day every day and it's fine with me". He knows this.
 He is very closed up when it comes to this subject. It's probably a strong addiction that does not let him be open with me sexually. I suspect it was happening even before we met.

Sometimes after "the talk" he stopps for a while but starts again. I love him very much and he loves me. I had him on a big pedestal and I admired him very much now I realize he is just a human beeing with a problem and I accept now that this  is a take it or leave it type of situation.

We have been trying to have a baby for a whyle but it's not happening...still trying. We have also been looking for a house and in a month or two we will own our own place.

At the beggining I felt betrayed and I felt pain but now I accepted him for who he is . Nobody is perfect. So this is my dilema:

We have love, affection sex,respect, lots of fun together. I love his family and they love me. Same for my family.He will make a great father and we will have a great life together. I also see that we are not a match sexually and we will never be one. He rarely initiates anything. I have toys for that and it's been OK so far.
The only thig I am having issues with once in a while is the fact that I can not understand why he would watch crazy passionate sex but he would not want to experience that with me? I feel as if he is cheating on me....Can't explain it better than that. When I think of this I get very sad and I feel the numbing pain coming and staying for a few days and then I am fine again. It is obvious I have changed and suppressed my sexual urges a lot just to accomodate him. I thought of cheating but will never do that!!!

I have created a beautiful life with this man far away from my country, friends and family. I have invested time, money, love and all I am into this.

So I really don't know how to cope with the pain of knowing that I will never have a passionate sex life because I had that before I met him and it was amazing. I really don't know how to deal with the question that comes to mind once in a while " What if there is someone out there that will be a match???"

A few notes:
 I do consider my marriage sexless even if we have sex every week.
If he was mean, not attentive, not affectionate, possesive,not helping with stuff, abusive I would have left immediatelly.

I just felt stuck today and reached out to you because the pain is back and I can't function  plus you all know what I am talkig about. No one else would completely understand where I am coming from.

Bring it on: the good, the bad and the ugly.
Cucly80 Cucly80
31-35, F
15 Responses Apr 18, 2012

it sucks when every other things are perfect but no sex i know

Watch the video - Fireproof with Kurt Camron it's really good

There is a companion book with this video
The Love Dare Book is a very helpful read for couples but your husband should watch the video

Good Luck !

I am watching it now...I am an atheist and my husband is an agnostic so I am not sure about this christian movie but as I said I am always open to anything! Thank you so much!

So sorry you are experiencing this. Ifeel your frustration.

....I'm going to stop cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids, and instead of seeking help or advice I shall say <br />
"If you can not take me as I am, then we should separate, if you're not happy" <br />
and I think he will have the proverbial "WTF moment". <br />
Who says that? Is this a conversation two adults should have??????<br />
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*** I agree with someone (don't remember who) on the child ****, Be carefuuuuuuuull.<br />
Have your eyed very wide open.

“I confronted him about it many times and he said that if I can not take him as he is then it may be better to separate if I am not happy.”<br />
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I have experienced those exact words from my wife. She has stated that this is just how she is, meaning no desire for sex, and if I can’t accept her for the way that she is, we should separate. <br />
I agree with and speak from experience, at the current place you are at separation means the end of your marriage, but as you go further down this road and add a mortgage, children, etc… a separation means breaking apart your family, and hurting your children. It becomes an albatross around your neck that you cannot escape. Your husband will NOT suddenly change; he will NOT suddenly desire you. Although you can suppress your feelings for a time, even years and even decades, eventually it weighs heavier and heavier pulling you down into deepening despair! You will never be truly happy. You will never reach self-actualization. I beg of you to stop and listen to the wisdom being given you here.

My husband changed from the first time we had the conversation. He made little changes step by step that are very visible. I have seen the results. That's why I am not going to give up.

Do not have children with this man.

It’s really easy to give advice even when we’re unwilling ourselves to take the pill we’re prescribing, but please, please, please listen carefully and heed what RexCorvus is telling you. Like many here, I’ve walked the path you’re heading down. I know what you’re feeling and I know why you want to stay, but I also know where this path leads.

There are many here who will try to convince you that your husband just flat doesn’t love you. They’ll tell you to face the fact that he doesn’t care about you and run for the hills. They’ll tell you that your marriage is a sham and that any good in it or any hope you have for it is nothing but imagination or wishful thinking. I don’t believe that at all. I think he DOES love you. I think there IS good in it and even that the good might be worth saving. But I don’t think the sex is going to change – at least not for the better.

Your husband and RexCorvus’ wife have both said the same thing: this is how I am, I’m not going to change, and you can take it or leave it. My wife never said that. She always promised to “work on it”. But other than helping me to keep a false hope alive, nothing happened. Yet even while I nursed that hope for decades, I can’t deny the truth of what RexCorvus has so eloquently told you. You can suppress your feelings for a time. You’ll probably even be able to suppress them to such an extent that you can convince yourself that you’re OK with the situation and that the good outweighs the bad. But the sad truth is that it DOES become an albatross around your neck. It DOES weigh heavier and heavier as the years pass and you continue to deny yourself. If you choose to stay, it won’t be all bad. Like I said before, I DO believe that there is good in your marriage. But twenty-five years from now, you’re going to be me. You’re going to realize that you’ve spent your entire life denying yourself the very things that make you happy and make you feel loved. You’ll wake up to the truth of Thoreau’s words, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

I great marriage without sex is like owning a Lamborghini without an engine: It looks great to the neighbors but it’s pretty sh**ty for the owner! <br />
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We all know there are plenty of marriages that look great on the outside but there is something missing behind closed doors.<br />
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As for his addiction, I don’t think men watch **** for the sex. They want it because of what it represents they want “dirty sex” from their wife and they can’t or won’t ask for it. You sound like you’re ready to play so that would not be a problem. I do think it’s also about the ob<x>jectification of women, in those movies they become the guys plaything. I am not sure how assertive you are in bed but maybe you should give him complete control and let him take the games where he wants to. That might be hard in the beginning because he might focus solely on his pleasure, leaving your needs unmet (and we all know you most definitely don’t want to be left out) but maybe that would get him back in the saddle. <br />
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Also change it up a bit. If you always have sex in the bedroom, surprise him by leading him to the dining room table etc. Maybe he is looking for variety. If he can’t change partners maybe he can change the other aspects of the games.<br />
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Once a week is not bad at all, in the sense that the guy has not shut down completely. The fact that he is watching **** means he does have desire and that the “equipment” works. I do think you have something salvageable here; you just need to find out what he really wants…

I am a very dirty girl!!!! Very dirty!!!! ALL has been on the table from day one. He knows it. He may even be overpowered by my sexuality. I think he can't bring himself to do those dirty things to his wife, me. I have tried it all and I think he may have the Madonna-The ***** complex when it comes to sex.

I have long thought that sexless marriages **** with you head and make the refused spouse crazy and prone to making decisions that they will one day look back on wondering how they could have been so stupid.<br />
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You are the proof Cucly80<br />
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Tread your own path.

So you're sayin fuc'k all the good things and leave? Just asking:)

Chiming in I say: fvck all the good things and leave, because all those good things are an illusion and window dressing and have nothing at all to do with you &amp; him, you need to find a him that is into "you &amp; him" and the rest will follow!!! At the end of your life are you going to say "I stayed for the appearance" or "I had the time of my life"...

And please please do NOT bring children into this mess, I WISH someone had told me this although I wouldn't trade mine for anything my gosh it complicates it 1000x...

Yep. fuc'k it. Won't be long until he will only have sex with you a few times a year. Or no times a year. Year after year. Read the stories here.

Oceansun's H said: "She should go back and figure out what she may have done that pissed him off"<br />
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I call B U L L S H I T!! What happened to being an adult and saying “I got upset when {insert your peeve} happened” instead of being a pouty child and withdrawing?

... Never mind my H, he's a jerk sometimes, what can I say, I love the retard!

I have been trying to get my H to join for a while, he won't or maybe has and I don't know, but I will once in a while ask for his opinion on stories, and I did just now about yours, and the entire **** thing, and that he wont watch it with you, I say is it that a) it's something he does for "him" and not for them, or b) do you think he watched gay ****. He nodded to both and said "or maybe she pissed him off, she should go back and figure out what she may have done that pissed him off".<br />
I think my husband is trying to tell me something!!!LOL

I find his conscious unwillingness to compromise probably more disturbing than anything, although that may say more about me than him. Maybe he already thinks he is compromising as much as he can. If true that might be another thing to be concerned about, i.e. he is truly at his limits already. Is there anything in his background that would suggest that he finds it easier to suffice with second-hand fantasy, rather than first-hand reality. Inhibition? Lack of confidence? Fears he can't meet your implicit expectations? Is too nice to the woman he is married to and has her on a pedestal.<br />
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His unwillingness to compromise is tantamount to saying "I won't discuss it". If he won't compromise then there is nothing to be discussed, the issue is effectively cut off in advance. Do you think he has a guilt complex about the **** and that is why he won't let you watch it with him? Are you really just too physically confident for him?<br />
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He is into sex in some form or another. He appears to actually like you. I won't say loves you for sure but I wouldn't exclude it. Does he have some sort of mother complex about you? Nah! Surely not! I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know beyond the instinctive. Yet, I get the sense there is something specific at play. He might benefit from some form of personal analysis, but if he is unreceptive to challenging himself it would appear that is impossible. Sometimes some problems can seem to just be tantalisingly short of a simple solution like the last piece in a jigsaw but if you can't find it then it will forever remain unresolved.<br />
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Do you suspect or sense that he knows what it is all about but just will not or cannot bring himself to tell you?

I suspect that he tried his best and this is all he can offer. At least he believes he did.

Hey Cucly, I am one of those women whose husband was not doing me but was hitting the **** regularly; the difference is that I am 20 years further along in this mess than you are. We were like rabbits for 5 years before and 2 years after marriage; then one day it just stopped and surprise(!) that was the day he first brought home a computer. First it was online networked games coupled with taking care of his sexual needs in private, then came internet **** and that was that. Of course it took me many agonizing years to figure out what was happening but it turned out that he did have a “sex life” all along … it just didn’t include me.<br />
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I am here to tell you that it is highly unlikely that this will get better; in fact it will worsen with time. And, if the situation is to improve it must come from HIM. There is nothing YOU can do to change it because it is HIS problem. Men who do this are intimacy averse, i.e. the vulnerability and openness of real connected sex scares the s h i t out of them.<br />
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I would advise you not to have children with this man … that is exactly how I got trapped in my marriage. I would also advise against financially entwining your lives any further by buying a house. Look at it this way … it would appear that he is more emotionally invested in and entwined with his **** than with you. And, what does that say about his character, even if he is an otherwise “nice guy”.<br />
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I am 55 years old and in the process of dismantling and recreating my life … trust me, you do not want to be me and, you will very likely be me if do not get out now.

Pay close attention to k9sportschick. She is you in the future. He will not change.

"I have been reading almost everyday for these 3 years hoping that I will find something that will help me cope better....."<br />
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The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.<br />
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Cucly, do you know that one definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and each time to expect the outcome to be different. . . ?<br />
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You do the same things over and over with your husband and expect a different outcome. You have been reading steadily here for three years - and you are still waiting for the "magic bullet" answer . . . <br />
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Has it occurred to you that you will still be in your sexless marriage and still fruitlessly seeking that "magic" answer in ten. twenty, thirty, fifty years time?<br />
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Please let me remind you that you get ONE life. Harsh as it may sound, I see you throwing your's away without any realisation you are so doing.<br />
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And may I also add my pleas that you do NOT have a child in this relationship? Surely you want the best for your child? Is an unhappy marriage the best you can offer as a mother. . . . ????

Crazy I know....I was looking forward for you to give your 2 cents and I so knew what you were going to say:)

Cucly, if you could see me now, I'm sitting in my dressing gown (it is early morning and there is an autumn chill) shaking my head with an exasperated smile on my face. I feel like I'm your mother - in spirit!! Please dear girl - isn't it enough that it took ME till age fifty seven to break out? Can you not accept that you might add DECADES of happiness to your life IF you act now? Please please please!! Think seriously about it!!

I am tempted to write that you are doing great because sex is the keystone to a marriage, but I won't!<br />
But you mentioned you are into anything, so since he loves his **** why not have sex while watching ****, since you don't mind, that might help.

I am a dirty girl yes. He will not EVER watch with me. He made that clear... :(

... Well thats plain BS, Unless he's into gay **** and is very embarrassed, or he is wanting the **** for himself, "for him" as in "me time".

That keystone idea is catching ;-)

thanks for reading. I have been a member for probably more than 3 years but I deleted my profile last year and created a new one. I have been reading almost everyday for these 3 years hoping that I will find something that will help me cope better.....

Yes, it helped me realize that you either get out or you accept it, stop complaining about it and be happy with what you have. I accepted it for what it is and I am trying to find the internal peace now.

First let me say I greatly identify with your situation. My wife was the love of my life, and to be honest I am not sure if I will be able to make that kind of connection again. <br />
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Read the stories here. You are not the first woman whose husband won't have sex with her (or not often enough), and then it turns out he has a **** addiction. The going theory is that these are men who enjoy the emotional detachment one can have with a ****, and dislike the emotional connection that comes with real sex. <br />
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While I'm glad you have sex once a week, I feel your frustration. In the times where we had sex once a week, I was still frustrated and refused often. The future for you holds him gradually wanting you less than once a week. Then once a month, then none at all, no matter what you do. <br />
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He may eventually tell you the truth: he has no desire for you and is only having sex with you to please you (which is not all bad, at least he is trying)...maybe he finds sex to make him feel icky, maybe x, maybe y. Bottom line is he does not desire you, it is fulfilling enough for him simply to possess you.

Like Filtermachine, I too certainly identify with your situation. I love my wife completely, but she just cannot give me the feeling of being wanted, desired and needed in that primal way that is so necessary for us as humans. It feeds our self-esteem and tightens the bonds that hold us together. Good luck!