Bring It OnGreat man, good life, nice jobs, no kids. Lot's of love, respect, cuddleing, kissing, affection, sex twice a week to this day. Married for 5 years. First two years amazing, next years went into a sexual disconect. He started refusing sex a lot but listened to my pleads and tried harder. Sex twice a week still happening but wierd, mechanical, initiated by me most of the time. Totally draining me...making me not know who I am anymore.
Tried talking, read books on the subject, tried talking again, joined EP. H expained that this is how he is and he thinks we're doing pretty good. He says that this is how married life is.
I am super sexual, into everything when it comes to the bedroom. Offerd BJ's to H like candy. H refused it most of the time. At a certain point he said that it is obvious that I am not happy with who he is and that he has a feeling because of these" talks" we are going to hate each other so it's better to get a divorce. I spoke to a loyer...changed my mind and dropped it all together. I sure resented him for wanting an easy out. i felt like if you love somebody you work on it you don't just give up. It took me a while to get over that feeling.
I opposed and fought for my marriage and for the love of my life. I realized he knows he can not offer more and is being honest about it. I said I will learn to live with it because he is an amazing guy. Never possesive, always kind, helping with everything, intelligent, we fight like normal married people do nothing crazy. We take nice vacations, we get allong and there is no other disconect besides the sexual part wich is pretty important. I trully put things on paper and I can not find anything else negative about him.
Later on I discovered a por*** addiction. He would not quit. He is hiding into the bathroom with his computer. Had a talk again he said " it is normal" and lots of men do it and that was that. I realized with time passing that he trully believes there is nothing wrong with watching stuff. I have a saying" If you please your wife properly you can watch **** all day every day and it's fine with me". He knows this.
He is very closed up when it comes to this subject. It's probably a strong addiction that does not let him be open with me sexually. I suspect it was happening even before we met.
Sometimes after "the talk" he stopps for a while but starts again. I love him very much and he loves me. I had him on a big pedestal and I admired him very much now I realize he is just a human beeing with a problem and I accept now that this is a take it or leave it type of situation.
We have been trying to have a baby for a whyle but it's not happening...still trying. We have also been looking for a house and in a month or two we will own our own place.
At the beggining I felt betrayed and I felt pain but now I accepted him for who he is . Nobody is perfect. So this is my dilema:
We have love, affection sex,respect, lots of fun together. I love his family and they love me. Same for my family.He will make a great father and we will have a great life together. I also see that we are not a match sexually and we will never be one. He rarely initiates anything. I have toys for that and it's been OK so far.
The only thig I am having issues with once in a while is the fact that I can not understand why he would watch crazy passionate sex but he would not want to experience that with me? I feel as if he is cheating on me....Can't explain it better than that. When I think of this I get very sad and I feel the numbing pain coming and staying for a few days and then I am fine again. It is obvious I have changed and suppressed my sexual urges a lot just to accomodate him. I thought of cheating but will never do that!!!
I have created a beautiful life with this man far away from my country, friends and family. I have invested time, money, love and all I am into this.
So I really don't know how to cope with the pain of knowing that I will never have a passionate sex life because I had that before I met him and it was amazing. I really don't know how to deal with the question that comes to mind once in a while " What if there is someone out there that will be a match???"
A few notes:
I do consider my marriage sexless even if we have sex every week.
If he was mean, not attentive, not affectionate, possesive,not helping with stuff, abusive I would have left immediatelly.
I just felt stuck today and reached out to you because the pain is back and I can't function plus you all know what I am talkig about. No one else would completely understand where I am coming from.
Bring it on: the good, the bad and the ugly.
Cucly80 31-35, F 18 Responses 1 Apr 18, 2012