Petty...petty And Selfish

To counter-refuse or not is a difficult question. I've gone both ways. The refusal was initially accepted, but later brought a huge argument. Recently I took your "whatever" approach, That was pretty revealing for me. After several discussions and her feeling that I want out, W was trying to spice things up, create some variety and actually come on to me for a change. I went along for the ride, but really felt nothing. I think that it confirmed to me that whatever spark or passion that we may have had was gone. I don't know if it will do the same for you, but I hope that you can get some clarity.

Stop being so hard on your self, I want to let you know something, we all do this, we are all like a kid who can't have that toy, and obsess over it, forgetting about everything else, then when you do get it, you wanted it soooo long that you grew out of it, or it just didn't feel right anymore.

Usually the day the other starts refusing, the roles will be reversed, you will be the toy she can't have and she will come after you (not always), and then you'll feel guilty and not want to hurt her feeling, you fall for it and in a few (days, weeks) you are back at square one. Be strong, thats all I have to say, and stop being so hard on your self, she doesn't worry about your feelings one bit, so stop!

******if you want to vent but not post it here, you can blog, it doesn't show you any options to blog in your profile, (took me a while to figure out) you can go read someones blog and there it will give you the option to write your own and the people who want to follow you will read them, unless you want to set it to private, don't get me wrong, feel free to post here, I'm just letting you know though, cause I didn't.

Your story is not a great deal different than most other people in this group I went through the same process of running various scenarios in my head she would do this and then I would do that and everything would be better ha! At the end of the day it just never seems to work out. We had three son’s and I decided not to do anything about the situation while they were going through school and university it’s been over twenty years that this has been dragging on and for the whole of that time the scenarios keep running in my head, I never gave up, loads of discussions arguments tears etc. used to disappear for days at the weekends immersed myself in work and the lad’s weekend sporting events just left me feeling angry and bitter but never in front of the boys or family they still think we are the perfect married couple amazing what happens behind closed doors. Just a shame that sites like this were not around then I always thought it was me that had a problem. If you can live with that while your son grows up then all well and good I don’t know if I may have done anything different had our situation been starting out now but hindsight is great. The youngest is coming up to his graduation in June and then I feel it’s time to call it a day.

you have a lot of anger at your situation..and you have no place to go with it..and to you, it is coming across as being petty and selfish..but you are NOT the one being selfish..if any thing..you are being too generious in waiting and putting up with the nothing..The anger is there for a reason..a good reason..it is you..your head..telling you..things need to be adressed and ..something needs to change here..



The lack of love and intimacy is not fair to you or the marriage..And so that you know. saving a mrarriage or a relationship is not petty...worrying and wanting a normal relationship is not petty..so..you need to honestly begin to deal with what is..and address this with your spouse..The actual consequences.. of your actions of speaking up....are not soley in your hands..it is the dynamics of you as a couple that come into play....it still may be salvageable..it depends on how much has been destroyed..and how much love and trust is stiil there between the two of you.. how much willingness there is in you and your spouse to really try again..but the longer you do nothing..the more the anger will build and the more the trust is destroyed..and the impossibility of repairing the marriage is now there too.

I remember when I was having these same conversations with myself in October. I felt that I would "wait for her to come to me." That was what really started the major issues, she was used to me putting in days worth of wooing (after which she would refuse anyway unless it was day 11). Once I started treating her like she treated me, our marriage fell apart in two shakes of a lamb's tail.



So, I stopped approaching her for sex. I stopped giving her massages, etc,,,result - she never came to me. Started sleeping downstairs. That was the beginning of the end.



I remember someone here saying "yes, do counter refuse, that is how you find out the car's preferred speed: zero"

I see that you are very considered in the nuances of language.



Try this.



There is a world of difference between acting in a "selfish" manner, and acting in your own self interests.



Do you get the essential difference ?



Tread your own path.