Why Do I Tolerate This.?Many times I have thought about this -
Why am I living with this?
I am hurting, I am sure he would be hurting too somewhere.
If it would have been anybody else - anybody, I wouldn't have given a second thought to severing that person out of my life. I have done that in the past. People who did not respect me, people I am unable to respect for any reason, people who were even mildly parasitic to me, I have cut them out for good.
But this here, my husband Dear. Mr. Excuses. He's neither my friend, nor is he interested in me. He wants space between us. There is already so much space, another big bang could happen.
If I was given a choice to date, he would have never made it through the pick-up line.
A marriage has four aspects - physical, mental, spiritual, financial. And if one has to compromises on all four of those aspects, whats left to stay for?
Then why do I choose to stay in this marriage.? Is it because
- of kids - I don't have any.
- I am not independent financially - I know my family will take care of me, even though they might take forever to accept the divorce and some how I think I'll lose some respect/credibility with them (Don't ask where did that come from)
- I won't find anybody else and live single the rest of my life - All logic says, it will still be better than living in false hope, under false pretexts. But this seems highly probable. (Various reasons - Situational and cultural)
So the respect that comes with staying married, financial security, a guy who is not after my money, a guy who is the best room mate you can ever have, he hugs cuddles kisses (even if its mostly on-demand basis), sex once every two months. Now how could I let go of all this for just a little more sex.
Thats it. Thats just it. I am far more conditioned than I'd like to think I am.
I am afraid - what if I leave and end up stranded from family, dis-respected, lonely, a completely sexless, loveless and intimacy void, bitter woman. I wouldn't want to live and die THAT way.
It's an insecurity I could put in words only here to strangers being a stranger. Thankyou ILIASM