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Why Do I Tolerate This.?

Many times I have thought about this -
Why am I living with this?
I am hurting, I am sure he would be hurting too somewhere.
If it would have been anybody else - anybody, I wouldn't have given a second thought to severing that person out of my life. I have done that in the past. People who did not respect me, people I am unable to respect for any reason, people who were even mildly parasitic to me, I have cut them out for good.
But this here, my husband Dear. Mr. Excuses. He's neither my friend, nor is he interested in me. He wants space between us. There is already so much space, another big bang could happen.
If I was given a choice to date, he would have never made it through the pick-up line.
A marriage has four aspects - physical, mental, spiritual, financial. And if one has to compromises on all four of those aspects, whats left to stay for?

Then why do I choose to stay in this marriage.? Is it because
- of kids - I don't have any.
- I am not independent financially - I know my family will take care of me, even though they might take forever to accept the divorce and some how I think I'll lose some respect/credibility with them (Don't ask where did that come from)
- I won't find anybody else and live single the rest of my life - All logic says, it will still be better than living in false hope, under false pretexts. But this seems highly probable. (Various reasons - Situational and cultural)

So the respect that comes with staying married, financial security, a guy who is not after my money, a guy who is the best room mate you can ever have, he hugs cuddles kisses (even if its mostly on-demand basis), sex once every two months. Now how could I let go of all this for just a little more sex.

Thats it. Thats just it. I am far more conditioned than I'd like to think I am.
I am afraid - what if I leave and end up stranded from family, dis-respected, lonely, a completely sexless, loveless and intimacy void, bitter woman. I wouldn't want to live and die THAT way.

It's an insecurity I could put in words only here to strangers being a stranger. Thankyou ILIASM

coolvolatile coolvolatile 31-35, F 6 Responses Apr 19, 2012

Your Response


Personal opinion.<br />
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You stay because you don't have an alternate choice.<br />
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You haven't got an alternate choice because you haven't put the work in to develop your alternate choice. The nuts and bolts legal information, the logistical plan that flows from that, the economic side of it. And the severe self questioning required so you can handle the emotional side of the exit plan.<br />
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That's why you are still there. If a do-able exit plan fell out of the sky and was there in front of you, you'd do it. Would you not ??<br />
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Do-able exit strategies do NOT fall out of the sky. You have to work your arse off to invent them. You have to make some very difficult choices. And you don't get a pass on that obligation. No-one does.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Maybe you should think that you can only do better then what you have now? You mentioned compromise on all aspects of your marriage. Can you do worse? Aren't you already alone?

no matter how mch you love a person there are only 2 options i have ever heard of or found in my experience and i might be young but i have a great deal of expereience and learning and those 2 things are find a partner who satisfies you in all the areas you need or want or stay with your partner and find someone on the side for the physical areas and or sexual areas you are missing many relationships have been saved by finding somone on the side we all have needs that need to be met

Sadly I think I stay out of fear and embarrassment. I know these are 2 of the most stupid reasons to stay. I do partly stay because of the kids but fear and embarrassment are mixed in there also.

Oh my God ,That is the way I live ...I am afraid to leave just because all I did in this marriage was giving him credit ,taking him high and high and leave myself so low and down that now I am so dependent on him .<br />
But I have nobody in the country except him.<br />
I dont know anybody ...I am sure if you explain to your family they respect your choice .<br />
All we want is to be treated as a human being , a woman .<br />
A woman needs to be accepted ,to be wanted feel her husband really wants her .<br />
That is all ...! and we step into a marriage to love and to create a family ...<br />
who can get pregnant and have kids by having sex once in 2-3 months ?<br />
I am almost 40 ,married , educated ,devoted myself to my husband ,my family , the charity I work for for free and have no kids ..treated like a rescued dog ,fixed dog .

I think you have answered your own question: you stay out of fear. <br />
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That was why I stayed. I feared to lose what thought of as the love of my life. Turned out, that love was already gone, I was simply wrapped around a badger. I too was afraid of what my family would say. Once they knew what was going on, they all said the same thing: good riddance.