Mid-life Crisis + Sexless Marriage = Confusion

You desire another baby, why don't you adopt instead of moaning about it?

" ...this exacerbates my "mid-life crisis". Whatever. "

The death of someone close to us can bring about an epiphany. It was the death of a friend my age that made me think about how I wanted the rest of my life to be ... versus how the future looked in reality. Less than 6 months later, I was separated. And because life can be full of funny suprises once we get ourselves unstuck, 11 months later I was starting the happy relationship I'm still in today.



There are no guarantees, except staying stuck.

The love died long ago.

Get a divorce. It is your only option if you want to survive. If you do not get a divorce, your husband will leave you. You know that is where this nonsense is heading, right?



I am sorry for you loss and suffering. We all know how you feel.

Don't worry about the gray hairs.... snow on the roof, means a fire in the stove!

You know what makes it hard to be in a sm is that the 'why' is soooo vexing. It is so subtle and complicated. Because of our anger we forget how we contributed to the situation as well. I know there are things that I did that contributed to the problem...I had the same realization - that, if it were up to my stbx, once we were married, we would only have sex when I wanted it and put major efforts in to get it. I should say 1 out of ten times that I put those efforts in. Anyway...



One thing I found hard to swallow was that it was not just her list of resentments that doomed me. No, even if I had done everything just right, the bottom line is she did not like the person I grew to be. There would be literally nothing I could do. Even changing my personality (which to an extent I did) would not do it.



At that point I stopped putting in the efforts...and that's when I realized that she didn't really like me at all.

Boy oh boy do you have some education coming if you hang around this group for a while.



Anyway, I'll do a bit of speculating. I'll speculate that this vasectomy you mention was not in and of itself such a big deal. It was the fact that he acted unilaterally without consulting you that sticks in your neck. And that is likely to be because it is not the only thing in the relationship where he acts unilaterally with no regard for the collateral damage that comes your way. Sex for example. Obviously only happens when HE feels like it.



Read on, your education awaits you here.



Tread your own path.

Getting old may not be so bad.. although I too am resisting the natural decline of the body..... but some of the happiest people i know are old, real old... You are right to forgive your husband but, you need to talk more....or have deeper talks with him... Just because he is not attracted to you does not mean you are old and unattractive. And it does not mean the feelings can not return... Your husband sounds like he is caught up in his own downward spiral.. The fact that he had the affair may mean that he feels unattractive to you. He may be grasping at hope that he is still attractive..... However, there is never a justifiable reason to have an affair. Reconnect with him, become partners and seek common ground on this spiritual journey thru life. It is better to grow old together if you both care for each other.... and the sex.... it can return... or it could get worst, but don't hang your hopes on it getting better. After sex next time tell him it will be his turn to instigate..... see what happens.



Take care of your health, both physical and spiritual. I wish you the best.....