Why I Stay

I appreciate being able to come here and vent..and it is very frustrating to stay in a sexless marriage...but I wanted to also remind myself why I stay:

1. She has a brain injury which limits the "emotional" side. She lost all of her memory after a horrific accident and now operates from the logical side of her brain. I knew 16 years ago when I met her that she had limited emotional capacity and it has become more limited over time. If I had married someone with a physical handicap I would never leave.

2. She is smart. Probably the most intelligent person I have ever met, even smarter than my first husband who was president of the Mensa chapter.

3. She is hilarious. If Judge Judy had a twin it would her....that is her exact personality.

4. She is loyal.

5. She supports me. She eats "diet" food even though she has lost all of the weight she wanted because she supports me. She cooks the healthy dinners and cheers me on for each pound I struggle to lose.

6. She is a great business partner with a sharp business mind. Keeps the financial part of our business strong so I can focus on the creative side.

7. She does tell me she loves me in texts. And for what she is able to do she does. She just does not have the emotional capacity for affection.

8. She is a bad alligator. Her motto is don't f*** with the devil unless you want a pitchfork up your a**. No one messes with her she can out bad a** anyone and that is sometimes a really good thing. It is nice to feel safe and that someone will protect you no matter what if someone tried to harm you.

9. She brings balance to my life. I otherwise would be too emotional.

10. She is charismatic. Literally. If she turns on her charm she can win anyone over and is the life of the party and the focus of any situation if she chooses to. Since she has no emotional fears she is strong and funny and people love that.

And finally after 16 years there is history. There is something to be said about that.

So I do struggle with the lack of emotional and physical attention but wanted to remind myself there are two sides to each story and the reason why I have stayed.....

AnnDroid7 AnnDroid7
41-45, F
8 Responses Apr 21, 2012

I am not that negative about it, You get a lot more than a lot of people who have neither affection or support of any kind. I feel like she must genuinely care for you and perhaps it might not come naturally but she might be able to remind her body that affection is good. She might start out just doing it for you, like the diet food etc but maybe in the end the cells will remember the warmth of holding someone close as a good thing. Good luck to you. Don't give up. She sounds much more functional than many people.

she turns on her charm she can win anyone over..... <br />
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yep, she charmed you over to her side...<br />
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and she knows it

AnnDroid, I too have a spouse with brain injury, and that was the justification in my mind for 10 years while we struggled to get him help.<br />
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Now, 2 kids later, I need more. I feel for him, and he can be a great friend and support in many instances, but whatever there may have been in terms of relationship unravelled in the intervening years.<br />
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Feel free to read my stories to see someone similarly struggling with a highly intelligent spouse with brain injury disability.

What she is, is way smarter and cunning than you, and is playing you on a break.<br />
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You are fighting well out of your weight division, and if I were your trainer I'd be screaming at the ref to stop the fight.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I don't know what this limited emotiona capacity stuff is, are you sure you are inventing it to justify staying in an unsatisfying, unfulfilling relationship? She sounds like she would make a great friend, there is no reason why you can't keep her as one.

Great point. I wish I could scientifically decipher how much of it is lack of capacity and how much is choice. Maybe rationalizing and justifying is easier for me right now.

It sounds like you are talking about your television set.

You're absolutely right it does sound that way when I look at it again...thanks for that perspective it is a very intuitive observation.

You need distance.

I see no working "solution" there? Only a list of reasons why she hasn't left. Not sure you can really call it a solution.

How about a nice list of rationalizations and justifications :)

You have found a working solution that makes you content enough to stay. Nothing wrong with that. Congrats.

It is where I am right now. I would not say content but am trying to focus on the positive at the moment and look at it from both sides.