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Think I Am Getting Somewhere

I posted a few days ago. Found your responses so helpful and a bit of a wake-up call to my negativity  - made me think do I really want to bale out of my marriage even though I have had great sex with someone else. The other guy also in a sexless marriage - no sex in his case for 5 years - so getting both of us together was pretty explosive

. But I realise my husband and I do have so much in common - if only we could add to it the physical part! Decided that I really would have a heart to heart with husband about his medical issues and his impotence due to the very strong drugs he is on. I was as truthful and emotional as I could be - said that I felt as if I was dying of thirst and needed a drink.

He has made an appointment to go to the GP and ask about different drugs and also to tackle the other issues. Said that he hated his body - he is overweight - and can't stand the sight of huimself naked nor understand why anyone would want to touch him.. So we have started going to gym together and if he can have a positive attitude about himself and know that it isn't just about sex but intimacy and physicality, maybe that will take some of the pressure off.

I would be interested to find out if some people go off sex as their relationships go on tthrough the years because they don't like their own bodies - aging or overweight - and don't like themselves to be seen naked as they feel self-conscious.  The partners who still want sex may feel more comfortable in their own bodies - has anyone else thought this?
ChrissieG ChrissieG 51-55, F 7 Responses Apr 23, 2012

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Chrissie,<br />
( b/g/ - In a marriage sexless for 8 years and not tempted to find FWB or leave despite walking around doubled over with frustration sometimes.)<br />
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Interestingly when my wife put on a lot of weight I desired her just as much. <br />
Now she has lost it all with a vengeance, and is looking slim and very sexy and I still desire her like I always have. (Only hope that she hasn't got into shape for someone else..) <br />
In contrast, when I put on weight I suspended my attempts to initiate sex because I felt repellant. <br />
Now I'm feeling good, so it's time to make a move....

...actually the way I put that made it sound like an excuse for your husband, which it's not.

It's kudos to you for getting you both out to the gym and setting the ball in motion. I hope it woks out.

You have confirmed here what some people have said for a long time: a lot of sex happens in the head, and has little to do with the friction of mucous membranes.<br />
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It is very sad indeed that for some people the body image - be it the image of themselves or the image of their significant other - is more important than how they feel about the person in determining desire, libido, ability to physically make love.<br />
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I think that maybe this is the case with my wife as well: she's 55 as of yesterday, so her boobs are no longer pointing straight out, she's got tiny lovehandles on her hips and her bottom has never looked like a ripe peach - it doesn't matter one whit to me, because I have the desire to make love to the person. But she's started to wear a towel wrapped around herself these days, and I am pretty sure she's got a bad self image, physically (hell, she's not even overweight or anything). <br />
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Me, I'd have no problem having somebody I like make love to me, although my own body image is quite negative (somewhat debilitating joint issues due to connective tissues being crap all over, hereditary, blah blah). Doesn't stop me for a minute when it comes to giving or receiving love. That is just such a stupid thing to get hung up on, in my opinion.

I’ve read and really believe (for me anyway) that I desire my wife for who she is. To your point. I also strongly believe in the context of sexless M, we need to take care of ourselves make sure our spouses know we value them taking care of themselves. Lots of ways to look at this but I recall my wife saying “I am going to be 45 and will become matronly” – OK fine -- but this was also an excuse to not take care of herself, no exercise and no diet planning – needles and obvious weight gain versus the natural aging and gain we all get to experience if we are lucky.

Good job in communicating with your husband. It's a start and his response in actually (wonder of wonders) listening is a good indicator. <br />
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I think that many, if not most, of the circumstances where one partner suffers a precipitous decline in libido will involve a self-loathing component. It certainly has taken its toll in my marriage, and those things tend to have their roots way, way back. You and I can't do anything about them other than to complement when appropriate, make it clear when we derive pleasure from our spouses, and focus on how well we communicate these feelings and responses to our loved ones. If I am predisposed to self loathing, I am not going to pick up on a subtle hint. I may actively reject the concept of a compliment. I might become passive aggressive as a way to negate, discourage, or eliminate positive communication back to me - because my self loathing NEEDS to be fed. It will be insistent and will not accept anything other than negative input. <br />
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So the self loathing force must be starved, rejected, contradicted, diminished, attacked, eradicated and guarded against - as a disease. How we communicate this is important, because unless we make very clear what it is we are rejecting, and what it is we are insisting must take its place, the self loathing impulse will place its own value on the rejection and will only be strengthened. All I can think of doing is to rephrase my impulse to say "WTF? Cut that out" to something more like "Damn - I want to help you fight this feeling that tries to pull you down." And of course when the opportunity arrives I lose the ability to think on my feet.... Aaauugh.

Amazingly well said, Genteel. I go through the same things myself. The loathing and self-hatred are incredibly strong emotions and mental fixations. Once in the spiral, it's exceedingly difficult to get out.

I would love to find a partner and just live in a caring companionable way. I would give my right arm for a sexless marriage! I am a kind person but simply do not need physical contact beyond a hug and a kiss goodnight. <br />
Am I doomed to stay single?<br />
Elise

If the spouses here are indicitive, you'll have no trouble at all finding a bloke who has no interest in rooting you.

Not at all. You just need to be on the correct forum to find that special partner who has no sexual interest in you. There are millions of them out there for the taking.

You can find a similar asexual partner and be blissfully happy together...

It's a good sign that he admitted his weaknesses and has already made the doctor's appointment. As Baz said, the ball is in his court. His actions will tell you whether the change is real and possible. Many of us have been duped by spouses who say they'll do "anything" to save the marriage...then hope we'll forget about their promises.<br />
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Stick around here; support is in abundance. Continue looking at exit plans, and be pleasantly surprised if he takes positive action.

i would assume that answer is an ..absolutely. YES...... because self confidence is a very important part of being sexual. Without that..you would feel unattractive, self conscious..uncomfortable....

You've done a good thing to get him up to the line at the Doc's.<br />
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That is as much as you can do. Now it's up to him to pick up his responsibility to himself, primarily, and you secondly.<br />
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Naturally you can be a supportive spouse to him if he is doing his part of the deal.<br />
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He might well be dismayed about how far he has let things slide physically (and relationship wise if he gets around to thinking about it at any depth). The proof of that is his actions from this point forward. And that, will be pretty easy for you to see.<br />
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Anyway, you have got 'something' going now that you didn't have going a few days ago. Where it might lead is as yet unknown.<br />
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I'd suggest that you regard this as what it is - a chance for him to pick up his responsibility. No more than that, no less than that.<br />
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It may lead to further progress, it may not.<br />
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But you've done your bit. Over to him now.<br />
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Tread your own path.