(no) Sex, Chronic Pain And ***** Clubs

My wife suffers from chronic pain, neuropathy and diabetes. The drug regimen she is on is severe, to say the least and she spends most of every day in bed. What little time she has out of bed is spent volunteering for various organizations that our daughter belongs too. I am left to work my job, cook, clean and run the daily operational activities associated with a suburban family. She does her best I suppose but you can tell that most activity causes her severe pain and the drugs have taken a terrible toll on her body and spirit. It's not the life either of us wanted. And here I am, at 40 and with all our other problems, craving sex. I want a woman to touch me, I want to make a woman have an ****** and watch that wave of pleasure as it crosses her face. But my wife cannot do it. Occasionally she makes her self available but it's not a reciprocated activity, and it's hard to have fun when you know it hurts someone. We have always had mismatched sex drives but with the drugs and the pain sex has (rightly so) dropped off her list of things to be concerned about. I have made it through years of this with copious amounts of p o r n and a little exercise but it's not working any more. I have started going to ***** clubs, the women there are beautiful and they talk to me, make me feel wanted and appreciated. I get lap dances and while it's not strictly cheating, I know it would hurt her to know I am doing this. I do not want to have an affair, or leave my wife and tear up my family. The fantasy provided by strippers makes me feel alive, virile and stress free, so I am happy to pay for it in the confines of the club.I can't be honest with her about this, she suffers enough and when I bring up my needs she sinks headfirst into a pit of depression and self pity. I should be more honest with her, but realistically even if she were to make the effort its one more thing she can't do. I am consumed, perhaps obsessed, with my desire to have a warm female body pressed against mine. Asking her to condone this would crush her. Do I continue with this little lie to keep my sanity and my family together?   I feel guilty, shameful and at the same time horny. What happens when the strippers aren't enough... what happens if she doesn't get any better?
InnerPeas InnerPeas
36-40, M
7 Responses Apr 24, 2012

Being brutally honest won't help your spouse. In your situation, getting a occasional lap dance is no big deal. Enjoy and don't worry about it.<br />
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If the tables were turned would you want your spouse to have some occasional happiness? Maybe, but would you really want to hear the details while you're sick?<br />
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Irrespective of your spouse's condition, just know that you've done your best.

Yours is the most difficult type of SM there is. Seems like she is a nice enough lady with issues beyond both of your control. Perhaps a professional counselor would help define a path for you. You obviously cannot suppress who or what you are ( A sexual human). I hope someone can give you advice that may help you move forward.<br />
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Good Luck!

I'll be the first to say it. <br />
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You say she is 'crushed' when you talk about your needs. But those needs exist regardless of how understandable the circumstances are. Sure you can suffer for years, but to what end? <br />
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The claim that anybody has on our bodies is ba<x>sed on the fact that they share their body with us. That is why lovers love to say "you are mine" in a loving way to each other. You belong to someone, and they belong to you, when they share themselves in that way. <br />
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Conversely, when someone won't or can't share that kind of intimacy, that claim is void.

I would add that a partner's unwilingness to even address their spouse's needs, even while incapacitated, seems selfish and cruel. If I couldn't have intercourse you better believe I wouldn't leave my partner out in the cold. I'd try to come up with some alternative plan that would accomodate is needs.


I feel your pain. My situation is very similar. The paths that you are taking are not going to make it better, trust me. I think FOLA has some excellent comments.

Do be aware that FOIA, despite his reasoned comments, has never been in a sexless marriage. Just something to know.

If there were ever to be a solution to your situation, and by that I mean the situation you and your wife find yourselves in, the only answer that matters is one that you both can live with. What anyone else here thinks matters not a ****. Somehow you have to find the right time and oppportunity to discuss it with your wife. Why not talk to a therapist, even a sex therapist about it, about how you might broach the subject? Your situation is complex enough to warrant that sort of input rather than seek advice here. The crux to the issue will probably be whether your wife can empathise with your predicament as much as you can empathise with hers. If your marriage means enough to you the expense of counselling would be a small expense both in literal and figurative terms.

YES! Well said FOIA. Your wife, while sick and incapacitated should be allowed to be involved in the decision making process here. Here's the thing, if she truly cares for you and you for her, through counseling or mediation you two can work out some sort of plan TOGETHER that will address both of your personal needs nd your needs as a couple. Good luck.:)

Look up member "Wolfy" and read his stuff. The situations seem very similar.<br />
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Your good nature is being used as a club to belt you over the head too.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I don't think she will ever get better, I wouldn't bother her with this stuff, simply do your thing and keep it for your self, she's allready broken, you will only make it worse.<br />
Look at it as a white lie.