I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Sexless Marriage

By: marie43

Written on April 24th, 2012

Married 41 years. No sex for over the last year. H had GI problems after first of last year for almost the entire year. I sympathized and did not push the issue, then he fell and has to have rotator cuff surgery. Yet ANOTHER excuse. He also said he was depressed over ouor credit card bills - well we refinance our home and paid off our cards. Funny, that did not help his DEPRESSION. I have not talked to him lately because I get excuse after excuse. I AM NOT DEAD, nor am I going to be his COMPANION.

My choices are the same as everyone on this blog - I am going to try therapy for myself to cope with it. We are too old to split up and I really dont want to. He is fine in every other way, he takes care of the yard and flower beds, repairs in the house, etc. etc. We go out with friends and belong to a old car group and go to car shows.

I have two daughters and 4 grandchildren - I know me leaving would DESTROY them. We went to counseling a couple years ago, but never addressed the no sex issue, I felt he skirted around it.

Thanks for listening.

By: marie43

Age: 66-70

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22 responses

R23Olympic

I seriously doubt that your children and grandchildren would be 'destroyed.' You've certainly stuck with things long enough. If your H won't/can't satisfy or accommodate your needs, then you need to find your own alternatives.

My grandmother once told me that "Life is for the living." Perhaps that's something you should consider while you still have time.

Apr 25, 2012
1 like
- gypsyblu
  i agree, ur children are going to go on to live thier own lifes.. no matter what goes on.
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
mandown

I am always amazed when I read these stories from women who have husbands that just don't want the intimacy or passion or sex. I just cannot relate to any of this. My entire life I have always felt and known that the passion and the sex just seems to make me stronger and able to accomplish anything and it must have to do with being wanted and loved physically that makes me tick. I have had my times of ED issues but also know that a few hours of passionate kissing and touching is usually all the arousal I need and most likely not even require the little blue pill to perform. I also believe that as with any muscle atrophy sets in and more is better.

Right now if my life, being in a sexless marriage when I read these stories from women who say their husband has not interest I could scream for the want of what is lacking at home. It's almose like we need a new group to help each other with these problems

Apr 25, 2012
1 like
- mel75
  Believe me it happens to women too, we are not immune.
  
  Apr 25, 2012
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  belive me, i have screamed! after 2 years of screaming draging his *** to see it, talking to him, e- mailing showing him, im done with him and his stone walling... i go live my life with or with out him ...when we go to a social funtion, he sits on the couch.. i dont sit long, i get up and mingle, talk with people... ill have plenty of time to do nothing when im dead ...
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- gypsyblu
  mel i agree
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

Nothing like a bit of over the top language.

You leaving your husband would "DESTROY" 6 people you reckon.

Bullshit.

It would definitely be disruptive for a bit, and you'd need to manage the process, but your daughters (unless they are amazingly insensitive and unaware) would know what the score is in your marriage.

Tread your own path.

Apr 24, 2012
1 like
marie43

going on and off for about 6 years - He talked about it once and then we went to Marriage Encounter - that was a FLOP ! Usually when I initiated, he was okay with it, but I dont initiate any more because he JUST STOPPED being interested. HE decided no sex for a year - maybe he just lost track of time - NOT

Apr 24, 2012
1 like
paxetlux

He is an old man, not only chronologically but also in terms of attitude. He reckons that this is what he is 'entitled' to at this stage of life and reckons that is what you are 'entitled to as well. You reckon not. Acting as if you are still a teenager is obviously a bit ridicullous but on the other hand, as bits break down and figuratively fall off is no reason to welcome impending death with open arms either. Obviously, there is a compromise to be struck. Try to encourage him to a be a bit more optimistic, just a wee bit. Willfully wallowing in a protracted funk is not a worthwhile place to be.

Apr 24, 2012
2 likes
- gypsyblu
  i dont see where she is acting like a teen... maybe in one of her other stoires she reflacted acting like a teen, ( i have not read her other stories). i can relate to part of what you wrote ...>He is an old man, not only chronologically but also in terms of attitude.... my spouse is the one who has retired to his sitting chair. im the one who wants see the world, travel, see what is out there out side of walls of our house,and, so i do .. he can have his sitting chair. and if its, at the risk of looking like a teen, so be it
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
- paxetlux
  Pstt! Gypsy, the teenager bit was strictly tongue-in-cheek. I was inferring that HE probably sees her acting as a teenager, not me. Far from it. At least buying Xmas presents for your partners should present no challenge; slippers, pipe, knitted cardie with those faux wood plastic buttons, rip van winkle hat, years supply of male incontinence pads/nappies, a years subscription to Funeral Director's News, a mirror with a u-shaped handle so that he can examine his own piles....
  
  Jun 21, 2012
  1 like
mvcmvc

I recommend you tell him what you have told us here.

He might not care if you stray but perhaps only wants the comforts that long term marriages provide.

Look, he is what he is.

Work a deal with him, practice discretion and live your life as you see fit. You can do that without necessarily divorcing (if you want to remain married) if you possess that particular skill set.

Apr 24, 2012
3 likes
GibbySan

So how long has this really been going on? You say the last year, but then you say when you were in counseling two years ago he skirted the issue.

"I have two daughters and 4 grandchildren - I know me leaving would DESTROY them. "

But what if staying destroys YOU?

Apr 24, 2012
3 likes
marie43

Compassion is all I had for the last several years. He REFUSES to get any help. He is being selfish if he thinks I will spend the remainder of my days in a sexless marriage!

Apr 24, 2012
4 likes
oceansun

I think you should have more compassion towards your husband of 41 years,

I actually feel bad for him.

Apr 24, 2012
1 like
- reflections3
  We do not judge here on EP in this forum. This woman is new to our pages and leaving this kind of a comment does nothing for her but must do something for you. "I think you should" .... tells me what kind of a contributor you are. I just hope that this person doesn't take what you spew to heart.
  
  Apr 25, 2012
  1 like
- oceansun
  >>>what ever, so much for growing old together, you don't like it? It's still my opinion, tha man has bever given her a reason to complain and now that hes sick she talk about him like he's a piece of trash.
  You contribute your way, I say it as it is.
  
  Apr 25, 2012
  1 like
- hylierandom
  She doesn't talk about him as if hes trash so much as she's mad about the lack of sex. Remember, a lot of us pour out our nastiness here so we can avoid dumping it on the heads of our spouses...I certainly do.
  
  Aug 31, 2012
  1 like
reflections3

I just happened to log in this morning and not usual for me to do so. Must have been to read your story so I could tell you how much I can relate to what you are feeling and your reaction.

Wonder how many more of us are living within our own walls dealing with the lifelessness that accompanies a sexless marriage for so many years.

Hope you continue to return.

Don't give up .. I don't

Apr 24, 2012
2 likes
unreality66

I don't really have an answer as I am not anymore successful with this then you are in this thing we never wanted. All I can really say is yesterday in the heat of an unrelated argument (sort of unrelated, but not really same difference I guess) I have about give or take 20 more good years of sex and I'm not willing to live without.

Apr 24, 2012
1 like
clgsassy

You stated that he skirted the sex issue with the therapist....

you do have a voice(a say, right to express yourselfr).

Just wondering why you did not address this in a session?

A therapist can only help or assist in those issues that have been layed out on the table, honestly. If a good therapist, they will understand the sensitive, painful subject matter and address it accordingly...

findjoyinyourjourney

Apr 24, 2012
1 like
FilteringMachine

I vote you get a boyfriend.

Apr 24, 2012
1 like

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