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How To Prevent These Marital Miseries

When I look back and review the many posts here, it seems clear that we are missing something in the planning stages of a relationship. What can we do right from the beginnings, before we marry and promise ourselves to each other, to prevent such lonely miseries?

Maybe our pastors really need to emphasize the sexual obligations we have to each other; not just monogamy but actually loving, cherishing and sexually giving the other person the careful lovemaking that will keep her/him happily monogamous. Maybe we must define monogamy and remove the mistaken assumption that monogamy must equate to celibacy when one's partner unilaterally decides to deny sexual relations. This is heinously cruel.

Why not discuss beforehand what you need if, after you promise to forsake all others and spare and save your affection for your spouse, you are rejected by your spouse.  What can your future spouse offer if, once married, despite his/her promises of love, your spouse refuses you, your physical attentions, then what?

Cheating seems like a two way street when it follows a sexless marriage.  How can any person insist upon monogamy while expecting celibacy.  They replace the terms of their promise; even though they swore to love fully, be each other's source for all sexual bliss and joy and satisfaction they are not and will not.   The rejected spouse is cheated by the partner who refuses her/him in the bedroom. This refusal constitutes a breach of contract, a breaking of a promise, a cheating or callous disregard of one's original pledge to be the one who will supply and nourish the other's physical, intimate, sexual needs.

So perhaps we must educate other engaged newly bonding couples and help them draft a coupling plan that will address what they will need or agree to should one or the other be unable, unwilling, unenthusiastic about conjugal matters. Why not  write down and discuss the host of what if's and collaborate the best course of action. If the two have a plan in place BEFORE the wedding, before the engagement, before moving in together, then both have more equal footing and bargaining power so they might go into the union honestly and with an agreed upon plan.
Some issues to include:
Should ___________become ill and the illness affects the sexual desire, physical capacity and the like then we will agree to the following plan__________
Should ______________become interested in someone else he/she will address this honestly with his/her partner as knowledge, while painful, empowers the partner to make decisions and and the two to fairly work this out with one another equitably.
____________ has a sex drive that requires conjugal visits ____________times a week.  _______.   Should this drive increase to/decrease to _______________ then each person will make the following changes __________________in order to mutually meet each other's sexual needs.   
I just believe we must address our sexual and relational issues openly if we are to move past these sad severed sexless marriages.
ubasti ubasti 70+ 6 Responses Apr 24, 2012

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Hello Sis...I loved this thread...Keep up the "good" work...Here is one of my favorite quotes...

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Martin Luther King, Jr.


PS...Im very glad to see that your voice is being heard now more than ever and is as LOUD as you can get...Thanks for speaking about a topic that is revered as a "taboo" subject in some social circles...BIG hugs to you...Love, defdevestated

RATED UP!!!



This is ILIASM archival quality stuff here!

The preventative strategy you propose is fantastic.



When you figure out how to get / compel / mandate people to engage in this process, you'll be on a winner.



Until then, all you have is a great theory.



Most persons spend more money on the wedding and reception than they'll ever spend on relationship advice. And devote more time to the guest list and seating arrangements and the band than they will ever invest in evaluating what they want out of the union.



Tread your own path.

These days I keep thinking back to those lines in the old version of the marriage ceremony in the common book of prayer:



'with my body I thee worship'.



I like these lines as I feel that convey a promise which the spouse makes to the other person to revere their partner through their physical closeness. Not many people use it now but I'll be willing to bet that many people in this group feel that their partners do not worship them with their bodies. It shows the sacrosanct nature of married sexuality. People who get married need to keep it in their thoughts!

Well said CrissieG. What a lovely quote:
'with my body I thee worship'.

Well you can't really do that with folks that are super dishonest - they aren't going to tell you well eventually I will like **** so much I will just quit having mutual pleasure and take care of my own needs. My spouse is not the devil incarnate or anything, but his a compulsive liar - he was trashed emotionally by his mother who is the most toxic person I have ever met. Being young when I met him I did not realize I was going to pay one way or another for everything his mother ever did to him. I think it starts with teaching your children HOW to pick an appropriate partner and teaching them to trust their gut.

I like the idea of teaching our kids some actually useful information. Instead of memoring a bunch of nonsense rubbish, like birthdays of presidets, the periodic table and others we might expend our energy teaching your topic:
HOW to pick an appropriate partner and teaching them to trust their(your) gut.

RATED UP!!!

The best foundation for these dynamics is for each to be HONEST from the start.



Marriage can be a shelter of love, affection and sharing of marital intimacy - or it can be a cover for parasitic behavior.



Shining the light of honesty on it, every single day, can help bring to light parasitic behaviors and get them resolved (one way or the other).



Being honest in ourdealings with other people, and more importantly, honest with ourselves on what we need - is a habit that must be cultivated. It is difficult and oftentimes exacts a heavy price. Sort of like an exercise regime or saving for future retirement. One must be vigilant and engage in honesty every single day.



But in the end, failure to be honest corrodes the marital bond over the long term.



Lack of honesty is where these troubles start.



When relationships are based on approval seeking and artificial intimacy instead of honesty and a revealling of ones true self - then the seeds are already sowed for marital problems to NOT be resolved as they come down the pike.

Well said. If only this thread were required reading for all engaged couples.