All Talk And No Action...it's Not Just Physical

This is easy!!! Brother, the solution to your problem is simple: Take both of your wife's hands, look her in the eyes and ask: "Do you love me?" If her response does not crush your soul enough, then nothing will.



That is what I did and it worked. Then again, I play Texas Holdem on a regular basis and I bet blind without looking at my cards. I am not the best liar but I am pretty damn good at reading bullshit in a person's eyes. Your mileage may vary. My wife could not lie after that and I called up my lawyer the next day. Soon after, she told me that she was planning to leave me anyway. Little did she know, I was planning my exit while letting her think everything was status quo. Nearly 2 years later, I am still playing a long-game and this summer, I will drop the biggest hammer than I have ever held. Not only am I planning my exit but I am also planning my retirement. Meanwhile, her credit cards are maxed out again and hiring a lawyer is not within her means anymore. What a pity!



Regardless, check out the website www DOT secretdivorce DOT com in the meantime. You are going to need it eventually. Refusers do not want us.

For me, beneath all the sufferings -the slow starvation suffering, the abandonment suffering, the suffering of failed "trying" -was the betrayal of self suffering; that I let myself down and surrendered my heart and nuts to a crazy person; that I complicitly agreed that I was not worthy of love; that I abetted in the execution of my own soul -for nothing.



You gotta fight for your life. You have already given up so much time and ground. The world gives two ***** about your pointless sacrifice. The only person who wants to see you enjoy a little joy is you.

Don't hate me for this , but holy crap!

This sounds so much like my wife an I. Problem is, she lives in the bedroom.

I got so tired of the rejections, I moved to the couch then eventually to the guest room.

I finally had all I could take and I asked her what the problem was. she started her usual crap about being stressed out, too tired, etc. I was pissed off so I just asked point blank. "Stop the bull ****, what is going on, do you have a lover?" Her comment actually surprised me. She said no, no lover, she just did not feel that way about me anymore. "I love you, your my best friend, but I am not in-love with you anymore!"

Stupid me, I thought that was fixable. So I set out to win her back. What a freaking waste of time. She is not open to romance. she has made up her mind for some stupid *** reason, that she will never have sex again. She even admitted loving sex. So what gives? Money apparently is more important than affection? Appears so in our case. I am where you are, I need to get the courage to see that lawyer.

All of us here have cried buckets of tears, men and women alike. We all go through the “all talk no action”, “head in the sand” or “try and try again” phases. Some of us cycle through these phases for many years. I am personally guilty of all the aforementioned behavior.



You need to learn to stop automatically blaming yourself and/or thinking that if you do or stop doing “something” it will be the magic pill that changes the situation. There is nothing you can do individually that will change any of it. Why? Because a marriage changes only when BOTH spouses are communicating and making efforts toward change (with or without therapeutic assistance).



None of us here have cooperative spouses rather we have avoiders, blamers, stonewallers and gas-lighters and, some have outright a$$holes or mental patients. ** raises hand ** In all cases, these spouses of ours are content to sit back and take whatever marital benefits that please themselves while ignoring us who are twisting in the emotional agony they inflict through their neglect.



Please do consult a lawyer; look at it as an information gathering effort; you don’t have to actually use the information but remember that knowledge is power and will help you to feel empowered.



When the “devil you know” is torturing you, don’t think about a replacement devil, just work a plan to escape from hell altogether. And, don’t bring up the “grass is not greener” argument because I’ll shoot that one down too :o)

It is not easy. Even though it feels like you are doing nothing, stuff is going on... within you. I agree with Cairin. In it's own time - when it's right, you will do it, but don't wait for perfect conditions - you will just know. Somene told me that each step taken will take you further and further from the heaviness. I tell myself that over and over. Even though right now I am kinda stuck in limbo myself. But just don't slip back into indifference. Stay aware. Wishing you the best!

I had my cry as well. It was a few months ago and it was the first time in probably 20 years or more. I'm not even really sure what I was crying for. My bad decisions that made me end up here? Having to live with a person that is supposed to make my life happier, but needs weeks or months to work up the resolve to touch me? Feeling trapped? Worried about my children and what kind of person I would be to break this up? Scared of the future? All of the above.

I say this over and over again - " When the pain of staying is worse than the fear of leaving " - then you will go. Everything in it's own time .

In the meantime KNOW that you are not alone. The first thing that surprised me about this group is that there are so many of us. You are a normal, healthy human being with natural needs and desires . and you have feelings. Give yourself a break .

( big hug honey! )

All I can say is just DON"T have kids until this is sorted out

I can't understand your reluctance to see a lawyer.



But, clearly there is "something" that drives your reluctance. Brother ManMovingForward suffers from the same thing. Brother "Cumbersome" suffered from the same mysterious malady for quite a while but overcame it



Maybe you shoot Cumbersome a pm and ask him about the matter.



At a wild guess, I figure that 'reluctance to see a lawyer syndrome' is likely driven by the fact that if you do, you are admitting that your marriage is probably ******. So you want to cling on to the illusion that it ain't.



Tread your own path.



PS - @Cumbersome - would you have any interest in penning a story about why you were so resistant to getting legal opinion for so long ? Might help brother "inmytime" and others.

Like others, I found night time was worst. During the day you can occupy yourself with a thousand random distractions. But when the light is off and you are lying there, awake, a few inches and yet a few miles away from the person who can make it all better, is the most difficult and painful time. You are aware of every single breath you take, they feel like giant ticks of a clock that pounds the seconds of your life away.



Don't feel too bad about your fear that you're stuck there. You are realising what you desire from life and you are coming to terms with the disconnect between those needs and where you find yourself. You are waking up and you will soon see that the power to take what you need was in your hands all along.



If it helps, in taking the choices YOU need to take, you not only helping yourself, you are giving your wife a wakeup call and her own chance to take choices to make her own life better.



It's been nearly 6 months since I walked out of the door and (slightly painfully) now I can see my wife seems much more happy with herself and is doing far more stuff than we ever did together. Honestly, she seems relieved, and frankly, I am too.



Doing what you need to do is hard. It has to be.



"I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed."

- Michael Jordan

I used to cry myself to sleep quite regularly.



I used to cry in the evenings after he came home and ignored me quite regularly as well.



I used to cry after he rejected me when I made sexual advances on a regular basis.



This story and the comments after it have made me realize it has been a while since I cried about anything. That has to mean something.

I remember crying myself to sleep.



Seems like a long time ago.



Actually, less than two months ago.



Feels like ancient history.

it does suck doesn't it? Don't worry about the crying thing, the next to the last time I tried to sleep in the bed, I cried for like three hours - I'm a chick, I hate to cry and I never cry due to deeeeep rooted issues that crying is weakness and an opening for someone to hurt you worse (rationally I do know this is not true). Like if you just go around la la la it's all good - it's okay - okay in the wow, no one shot at me today, I have money in the bank kind of cold dishwater way. Then you start to read here, and it's OMG yes - it does change you but really it's just kind of cementing things you know in your heart but don't want to admit. His nasty insecurity that has been here since day one raised it's ugly head and I warned him not to go there because I am not the one causing issues and I have done nothing wrong. I'm happy you posted, it is bit sad, but at the same time, it's so WOW I'm not alone and if everyone else can do this, so can I?

Everyone must come to this decision in their own time in their own way. The reasons for staying or going or the timing of those decisions is as varied as this group itself. All of us must consider all personal aspects of our relationships that are unique to each of us.



I sense that your seeking someone to tell you its OK to give up and move on. Most here will gladly tell you do move on but the only voice that matters is the voice inside your head. Ask yourself, have you had enough? Can this change? Is it worth another try? Only you can answer those questions.



I would recommend that if you do try again that you put specific time frames for improvement. Have "The Talk" with her, if you both wish to reconcile take 3 months to see if you can improve your situation.



If you proceed with a plan perhaps of some kind your final decision of stay or go came be made with a sense finality.



Good Luck!

Confiding in friends IRL was the hardest for me... once I started I found it was releasing and noone was judging (well I've been very selective in who I tell what).



Find the very best friends/family who are the least judgmental to tell first. You may be surprised - some of them may have known you were unhappy before you did!



Then again I tell the attorney tomorrow morning - but my H and i had it out a month ago and we both know we are headed for splitsville. I hope once the paper is in my hand for him to sign he doesn't back out again...



Friends are better friends if you are not relying on them for your sexual needs, particularly if they are unable/unwilling to help out in that regard. Would you call someone that you could never rely on in other ways a good friend? Someone who always asked you to dinner and then night after night left you with the bill?