Not Completely Sexless....yet

I second emce - if this is behaviour that just started with the loss of your beloved child, this could be something you could both work through. Of course you do BOTH need to be working on it - if he is refusing to go to counselling to your detriment you do need to take that into account. You are also grieving and not superwoman to boot. Have you made your feelings on the topic known to your H, or are you holding it in? Could be you are both holding it in from the other.



I have read that parents who lose a child have a much higher divorce rate and no wonder.



My heart goes out to you, as a mother I can think of no greater tragedy or horror than the loss of a child.

I was all set to say "plan your exit strategy" until I read of the loss of one of your older sons. First, my condolences, to you, your husband, and your remaining children - losing a family member is never easy, and when it's an offspring...



You said that your children are going through family counseling - are you and your husband also going through counseling? He loved the lost son deeply, and inside, he's facing not only the pain of that loss, but the realization of his own mortality - something he probably had not thought of facing at his age (I assume his age is within a few years of your own). Perhaps he feels that, as overprotective as you indicate he was, he somehow failed his son, and that also is affecting him. But the world moves on, and just as you must deal with life's ups and downs, so must he. There's no shame in seeking and embracing help from others, whether you're a man or a woman. If at all possible, be supportive of him, encourage him to get help if he's not doing so, and, as you said, "give him time."



God bless all of you.

Maybe hes just feeling down?? I went through a period of a few months where I lost interest in sex. I DID love her....very much so but was really worried about my job and couldn't really talk to her about it. He MAY be taking you for granted but maybe not.

What u just said is applicable for both men and women btw

6. Get a divorce. Your husband clearly does not love you and he probably never did.

7. Things will get MUCH worse.

8. Start looking at other men!

9. Welcome to our club! Half of us losers are male and we know exactly how you feel!

10. Stay strong!

......I thought your "If this" and If that" list was a joke setup with the punch line:



You just might be married to a 14 year old.



Honestly, he sounds so fidgity, techy, and goofy around sex, there may be some serious maturation issue at play here.



If you're thinking about leaving, you have a blame-free label to stick on it, just a half a letter grade down from Gay, the ultimate get out of jail free card.



Could he possibly get more grown up before they eventually cart you off to the nuthouse?



The stories here go about 99% against you.



Hard choices await. Keep on reading and posting.

I have these issues too with my wife. It is very emasculating. She is very negative and she creates conflict when I mention love making or has to start drinking. Then when the storm passes she says we are in this "through thick and thin right?" I get angry and just do my own thing, have friends and hobbies. I am here until I am no longer an economic hostage or until the apocalypse hits; that should be a year from now. Make a plan, do what you will and then don't wait to do what you choose to do, otherwise you are just like a abused wife. "Its good when he isn't beating me." Good luck.

I would tell you it was all over if it were not for the fact that it never really started. I can empathize with feeling awkward if you are not sure about what you are doing in terms of physical contact and are a bit embarrasssed and inhibited about making a fool of yourself but when you exhibit all the signs of a Howard Hughes style phobia over physical contact then you are simply on a hiding to nothing. How he rationalizes how this can possibly work is anybody's guess. If he rejects outright any prospect of addressing the issue then you are completeely out of options. I would pity him; from a distance.

Well, you KNOW that you are with an intimacy averse person once you have your 5 point check list done.



So, now ???????????????



Tread your own path.

just effing leave him

Just my two cents - the behaviors you listed create and maintain a barrier and its already eating into your sense of self worth. Whatever the 'whys', he is demonstrating that he does not desire you and rejects your attempts at getting close and intimate. Its a painful way to live. Take care.

You are certainly on the way... Turn 180°...

Just know it's not about you, it's about him. I'm sure you are a very attractive and attentive person. He isn't rejecting you because of the way you look or act. Those looks of annoyance and disgust definitely hurt when you start paying attention. Don't let him put any of it back on you. It's just a deflection technique I have found. Sometimes they don't know why they are they way they are and don't want to deal with it so they deflect it on you with anger. Keep reading the stories. Some of mine cover these points you listed.

If #1-5 is even half true ... you are in a really junky place - feeling unloved, unappreciated. To say you feel "incapable, unloveable, grotesque" is a very strong statement. I hope it will be a wake up call to you. This is not the way to live your life. What do you want? Sending you good wishes and best of luck!

Not yet, but you are all ready there honey.

(hugs)