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Met With Lawyer Today (finally!)

So I finally got my meeting with the lawyer - what I thought was mediation - turns out he's a lawyer who specializes in mediation cases, but they actually send you to another company that is a mediation company after you work out some stuff with the lawyer first... not sure why I cannot just do mediation, & I might.

The lawyer I guess is to make sure that I get the most I can according to the law once I start negotiating with stbx - however he is the one that stands to gain financially, as I put all my money in this darn house, and he blew threw anything he ever earned with buying junk and more junk. In our jurisdiction he is entitled to half the house, no matter what circumstances - so it's up to me to persuade him to reconsider. (he did say when we got married that he wouldn't ever take anything like that from me - of course now we get to see if he's really as trustworthy as I always thought, or if he will turn into an a@@ hole upon being "let go").

We did "talk" - me and stbx - about 2 weeks ago wherein he stated he would ask for 40% of the house and full custody of the kids, which is ridiculous as he is in no shape to look after himself let alone the kids!!! Wishful thinking and the lawyer agrees 100% that stbx is in la-la land on that score; it would be EXTREMELY rare for the H to get full custody and in this case it likely would NOT even be SHARED custody if H is that ill (which he IS).

So I'm still more worried about losing 1/2 the house, which is where I had pooled all my hard earned cash this past decade. Again it's just money, but I've been unemployed these past 2 years and was counting on the equity to get me going for the next couple years until this hard spot passes - layoffs are still going on in my city, 1,000's being laid off imminently!

So really why do I want to separate/divorce right away? Not sure. Peace of mind mostly.

Well I hope others can get info they need from my experience today. gotta get to bed
zsuzsilowinger zsuzsilowinger 36-40, F 6 Responses Apr 25, 2012

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Forget about any oral agreement; it's just a waste of your energy to focus on it. Even if he were to comply with it, it remains unenforceable because it involves an interest in land. So you might as well use it as a bargaining point, but don't rely on it even a little bit yourself. <br />
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Other than wishing you strength and good fortune, all I can think of is to suggest you remember that just because he takes a position in talking with you does not mean he is foreseeing the outcome. Almost by definition, he is staking out positions in the hopes of rattling you, or giving your self confidence a whack, or wearing you down. That isn't so much from his being nasty as it is from his feeling frightened. <br />
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Listen to your attorney and make your decisions ba<x>sed on that advice. Continue communicating all you want with husb. but by relying on your attorney's input, you will be much less likely to get rattled or up in arms merely by a discussion in which your husband begins to act out his anxiety. You will become able to recognize weakness when you see it, and his unnecessary aggressiveness is probably covering for his feelings of disempowerment. As you become empowered by this, remember that part of exercising superior power effectively is to pick your battles and to avoid unnecessary aggressiveness yourself. Let your self confidence build and let your attorney guide you.

Oh, and those 1,000s of govt workers being laid off? They are all getting long-term settlements or early retirement; lots will probably be hired back as consultants (keeping the headcount down). The economy in this town isn't about to crash any time soon.

If neither of you can afford to buy the other out, even by refinancing the house, then the best solution may be for the house to be sold and the proceeds split. <br />
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I hear ya, Zsu. Unfortunately people often "forget" verbal agreements. Your lawyers will help make sure you both get treated fairly.

I hope your journey through the divorce process is fair and that decisions made between you and your stbx are ba<x>sed upon the love you share for your children.<br />
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My daughter is going through a "high-conflict divorce" with her stbx who possesses a narcissistic personality. There is a wonderful book called "Divorce Poison" and I pray you will never need to read it. A man who cannot handle his own life, and requests full custody of the children, is taking an unrealistic, selfish approach to any reasonable resolution solution. Unfortunately, through unethical tactics, children are used as pawns when one spouse wants to "get even" with the other spouse. My daughter has agreed on 50/50 custody, however, her stbx is not satisfied with that arrangement.. he wants 100% custody. She has lost the marital home and has moved into a much smaller, older, rented house. What seemed important at the beginning of her journey, now is water under the bridge.<br />
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Vindictive spouses can cause extreme permanent damage to innocent children from the marriage. I told my daughter at the start of the divorce proceedings, that this is America, and that there was no way she would lose her children. In the end, the material things are not as important as the broken spirit caused by an unyielding spouse. I do hope you have an excellent support system and legal representation. My best wishes for a positive outcome for you.

Ms oceansun makes a telling point.<br />
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You can recover your financial health over a period. But a dysfunctional relationship is forever (well until you burn it anyway)<br />
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Tread your own path.

Well I guess you need to consider every aspect, and you still haven't seen nothing yet, him saying he wants full custody is BS, so when the lawyers give him a rude awakening, you will see how fast that 40% turns to 70%, I hope he's as honorable as you give him credit for, either way, money, house, job, they all can be replaced at a cost, a piece of mind however....priceless, best of luck