I Live In a Sexless Marriage
If I haven't mentioned before I started a job a few months ago, the hours are terrible. It is a second shift (of sorts) job, often times I'm not getting home until 2-3am. Lately 'she' has been up when I get home, and even more recently I've been able to get home as early as 11:30pm. We talk and watch mutually enjoyed television from our DVR. Most nights/mornings she is on one computer and I, well I'm on mine here at my table (often reading all the stories on this very site). The passion is gone. But the love isn't. I suppose the love is the same kind you build for a friend that you see everyday for 12 years. To be honest, I think more than anything, when I do leave (and at some point I'll grab life by the balls and do it) I'll miss my friend...you know the one that you can unload on after a hard day, tell them just about anything and they won't tell anyone else or bat an eye at the plane of weirdness you exist on at that moment. Someone you see everyday and feel like they are there for you, if for not much but a listening ear. While I admit that it has gotten extremely difficult to talk about deeply personal issues and a few more serious ones with 'her' I think I will still miss the option.
That being said, I don't think 'she' is totally to blame. Maybe I could have done something different. Not drink 3-4-5 days a week, (not anymore, but at the height of "if you're drinking I'm not having sex with you because I don't like it when your drunk" time), not rush to get off the phone as quick (I hate talking on the phone), spend more time doing things she wants to do, (talking about drama in her family), or just anything really. So I think what I need to do is offer full disclosure, I haven't been the perfect husband. I'm kind of an ******* at times, I'm fairly opinionated and like to go off on 'rants' about the latest 'political/social/economic/civil' issues. I've been accused once of having 'evil charisma' (by a close friend, I take it as a compliment and a warning). I do sometimes want to watch 'the game' and not have a conversation, sometimes I want to play a video game and not talk, and sometimes I just want to watch TV or a video on the computer and not have to pay attention to everything she is saying. (Honestly, she does talk A LOT, if she isn't talking to me usually she is on the phone talking to someone else) I've been up and down on my weight, currently I'm down to a very healthy weight (due to basically starving myself because of lack of time to eat, I don't just work 50-65 hours a week, I'm also finishing college), I've been losing my hair since before 20, never had six-pack abs, (though I have been otherwise pretty strong and muscular), and I could probably stand to quit smoking and have my teeth cleaned.
Maybe its not all that, maybe it is. Maybe I don't do enough around the house, I admit I haven't taken out the trash in a couple of days, (this happens until I finally can't shove anymore in). The last time I picked up the house was a week ago (couldn't tell you when she did last, we literally pay someone to come clean for us once a week). I'm not the messiest of people, but organization has never been my strong suit, and I live under the rule that there are more important things in life than spending 1 hour everyday cleaning when I could spend 2 hours once a week doing the same. I'm nit-picking...
So yeah, I'm not completely innocent in all of this and I realize that. I would love it if I was, and in fact if I was blame free I'd be gone already.
I did realize, while laying in bed tonight (I went to be REALLY early and now can't sleep), there is more to this Sexless Marriage than I am catching. See, I've been primarily focusing in on the last 4 months, (Sex once in early January, and I think once in December, but I honestly can't remember). We have averaged 3-6 times a year for the last few years, and a couple of them I know were in a one and two week span. So kind of in 'bunches' and then NONE. I've talked to her about it, usually it's been at my breaking point when I finally say "IT HAS BEEN ## weeks/months since we last had sex" and then a couple of times I've been crude and mentioned that I had been able to ... well take care of myself... more times in the last week than we'd had sex in the last year. The point has been heard, but honestly I just think she doesn't care. There are a few reasons why she's not into sex that much anymore, according to her, sometimes she says it's very painful (as a result of a childhood trauma, which is the other reason why), but it wasn't always like that. There were other things she would do to supplement. She's seen a doctor, I was there with her, I don't know the results of the 'tests' and she has not shared anything with me about them (I'm not aware if she knows either). She's seen (and seeing) a therapist, sadly it didn't 'help' before, don't think it will now.
I know, a WHOLE bunch of stuff, there are tons of reasons, stories, and the like to go through in trying to analyze what is / what was, but in the end it pretty much comes down to we don't have sex and she doesn't seem to care or want to do anything about it. As I've said before, I feel petty and selfish, and maybe I am, but maybe, just maybe, I'm right?
That being said, I don't think 'she' is totally to blame. Maybe I could have done something different. Not drink 3-4-5 days a week, (not anymore, but at the height of "if you're drinking I'm not having sex with you because I don't like it when your drunk" time), not rush to get off the phone as quick (I hate talking on the phone), spend more time doing things she wants to do, (talking about drama in her family), or just anything really. So I think what I need to do is offer full disclosure, I haven't been the perfect husband. I'm kind of an ******* at times, I'm fairly opinionated and like to go off on 'rants' about the latest 'political/social/economic/civil' issues. I've been accused once of having 'evil charisma' (by a close friend, I take it as a compliment and a warning). I do sometimes want to watch 'the game' and not have a conversation, sometimes I want to play a video game and not talk, and sometimes I just want to watch TV or a video on the computer and not have to pay attention to everything she is saying. (Honestly, she does talk A LOT, if she isn't talking to me usually she is on the phone talking to someone else) I've been up and down on my weight, currently I'm down to a very healthy weight (due to basically starving myself because of lack of time to eat, I don't just work 50-65 hours a week, I'm also finishing college), I've been losing my hair since before 20, never had six-pack abs, (though I have been otherwise pretty strong and muscular), and I could probably stand to quit smoking and have my teeth cleaned.
Maybe its not all that, maybe it is. Maybe I don't do enough around the house, I admit I haven't taken out the trash in a couple of days, (this happens until I finally can't shove anymore in). The last time I picked up the house was a week ago (couldn't tell you when she did last, we literally pay someone to come clean for us once a week). I'm not the messiest of people, but organization has never been my strong suit, and I live under the rule that there are more important things in life than spending 1 hour everyday cleaning when I could spend 2 hours once a week doing the same. I'm nit-picking...
So yeah, I'm not completely innocent in all of this and I realize that. I would love it if I was, and in fact if I was blame free I'd be gone already.
I did realize, while laying in bed tonight (I went to be REALLY early and now can't sleep), there is more to this Sexless Marriage than I am catching. See, I've been primarily focusing in on the last 4 months, (Sex once in early January, and I think once in December, but I honestly can't remember). We have averaged 3-6 times a year for the last few years, and a couple of them I know were in a one and two week span. So kind of in 'bunches' and then NONE. I've talked to her about it, usually it's been at my breaking point when I finally say "IT HAS BEEN ## weeks/months since we last had sex" and then a couple of times I've been crude and mentioned that I had been able to ... well take care of myself... more times in the last week than we'd had sex in the last year. The point has been heard, but honestly I just think she doesn't care. There are a few reasons why she's not into sex that much anymore, according to her, sometimes she says it's very painful (as a result of a childhood trauma, which is the other reason why), but it wasn't always like that. There were other things she would do to supplement. She's seen a doctor, I was there with her, I don't know the results of the 'tests' and she has not shared anything with me about them (I'm not aware if she knows either). She's seen (and seeing) a therapist, sadly it didn't 'help' before, don't think it will now.
I know, a WHOLE bunch of stuff, there are tons of reasons, stories, and the like to go through in trying to analyze what is / what was, but in the end it pretty much comes down to we don't have sex and she doesn't seem to care or want to do anything about it. As I've said before, I feel petty and selfish, and maybe I am, but maybe, just maybe, I'm right?
By:
inmytime
Age:
26-30
,
Male
