RealizationsMy wife stopped loving me.
She stopped desiring me.
She did this for reasons outside of my control.
but also cited some reasons inside my control.
I did all I knew to do for her.
I stood by her through incredibly tough times.
I accepted her body even after a masectomy and the changes that chemotherapy do to a body
I went along with her very strange radical political ideas, hoping it would bring us closer.
I took up her hobbies, hoping it would bring us closer.
I gave up teaching marching band and a youth symphony so that we could spend more time together.
I allowed her the leisure of not working for the entire duration of our marriage.
I postponed having children
I remained loyal always.
I traveled far and wide with her at her request
I left my very good job to move west with her
I lived out of a car for four months for her (yes, it is what she wanted), even though I really, really did not like it.
I cooked every day for her
I made sure she knew how I loved her not just through the things I did, but the way I would talk and listen to her
I did not hold back ex
and I always, when we did have sex, make sure that her needs came first.
Despite that, over time, I did more and more and more for her, she was less and less interested in me. I don't know if it was because I started to look like a thirty year old instead of a twenty year old. She only wanted me once I told her I wanted a divorce.
I think the big realization I'm having is this: a spouse who does not desire you is simply attempting to become your master. You do more and more, they give less and less, until the relationship is not husband and wife, but master and slave. They say, well, I would feel like having sex if you did x, y, z. You do both x and y, and maybe z. Yet they still don't want you. If someone does not desire you, nothing you can do will fix it. At the root of the issue is lack of respect for you. They do not desire you, do not respect you. A spouse that refuses you over and over is, in truth, worthless as a lover. Yet somehow, it is we, the refused that feel worthless. I feel it is simply classic abuse. The fact that I am still thinking about this everyday, despite being 2000 miles away and legally separated shows me the true power that such a person has once they have ingrained the habit of servitude into you.
Yesterday we spoke on the phone, and I AGAIN catch myself wanting her, wanting to do things for her, etc...
It's just too classic. It is a pattern of abuse. The abused returns again and again for more beatings.
Those of you still in your abusive sexless marriages - I say - GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!
Only then can you begin to heal.