Excited Trepidation ...

Well, here it is in a nutshell.  I have had some major discussions with my daughter and we are set to leave my H and son this summer.  I am trying hard to give my H the benefit of the doubt but, as you all said, he has not changed, and I don't believe he will.  My son has not changed either.

I did find out through asking around that my son does behave better when I am not around.  Hmmm ... go figure.  I have thought this to be true for years.  So after talking to my psychologist, who is getting better by the way, I have made my decision.  

I think that my son and husband will both have to mature if my daughter and I leave.  They will have to take responsibility for their own actions, for the house care, the animal care, and for their own bills.  I don't want them to fall on their faces but I think they might finally grow up.  I'm tired of being everyone's mom.  I need to take care of myself and my daughter needs a strong female role model.  Neither one of us is happy that this is 99% sure going to happen but we are putting our best feet forward and making our plans.

I won't have any regrets about what I will do or not do as I am the one who has done everything to try and make this work.  I feel that I have given him every chance to change the almost now inevitable outcome and he has not taken me up on the offering.  His loss.  I am trying to be strong and not falter although I know that I will falter and I will stumble.  I just want my daughter to know she doesn't have to settle for not feeling loved, wanted, and desired.  She deserves the best.

Wish me luck as I am now on the home stretch of a treacherous journey through a dark and twisted forest of despair.  (sorry, I love descriptive writing)
greenpfenig greenpfenig
46-50, F
4 Responses Apr 27, 2012

Pruning life depleting persons out of your life is an excellent policy.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Best wishes for your future, it is exciting! <br />
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I cannot imagine this choice you are making to leave your son, but it is understandable, as well as terrible - for both of you. What about leaving a note for him to read once you are gone, to better explain? <br />
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I hope he can get the help he needs, but you have to look out for you first.

ba<x>sed on the fact that there's violence and intimidation in the works here, I'm wondering out loud if this isn't a case where you leave without warning. Then discuss with him once you and your daughter are at a safe (unknown) location...<br />
Have you considered this option already?<br />

When I divorced, I had to take a parenting class call "Children In The Middle." The main thrust was that shielding children from the nuts and bolts of divorce was necessary to minimize the emotional toil of divorce. Planning your escape with one to leave the other behind seems to violate this goal.<br />
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Is there some extenuating circumstance that has resulted in your daughter becoming your closest confidant and partner in this escapade? Why would your son not also be involved? Do you love one more than the other? How do you think your son might answer the previous question?

Blue, there are numerous reasons that I am not going to take my son with me on a permanent full-time basis. He is abusive to me, he has punched me, tried to strangle me, and is overall verbally abusive. Second, my daughter is scared of him when he becomes angry. Third, I can't get a job and watch him, he has Asperger's and is having some intense emotional difficulties. And, last but not least, evidence shows that he functions better when I am not around. Hope that answers your questions.

It does. I knew there were solid reasons, I just didn't know what they might be. I hope all four of you do better once you've made a safe space for yourself and your daughter.