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Should Have Taken My Own Advice

I just commented on another tragic tale from this group. I am rminded I a daily basis is seems of the missed chance to get out of this relationship. She left me and for 7 mos. I answered her calls and need for help. She was so not prepared to face the world and leave the safety of our home as she had always assured me she was. While we were apart I began to feel healthy and happy again and wanted. Boy was that a nice surprise. However I fell prey to the sense of duty I owed our marrige and let her return. I told her there was going to have to be changes on her part and she agreed. Wow it was going to be differrent!!! ;) NOT!!! :( The change in her was for show and lasted. A very short time. If your given this chance RUN! Don't look back. They never thought twice about you and your needs. Otherwise things would have been differrent and you would not be here in this boat
jharr1968 jharr1968 41-45, M 8 Responses Apr 27, 2012

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I had 2 chances and blew them, good post. Heed this warning those who get the chance!

IN RESPONSE TO THE COMMENTS: There is no "toxicness" this time around that was made clear as a condition of her return. I also made my intentions for ending it clear from her return. As for a "taste of alternate reality" I knew what a relationship was supposed to be like way b4 her that is why I knew our relationship was broke. I just want to say that this approach is not for everyone. You need figure your own approach out in your situation. I did what I did because we were able to co-habitate and get along for the BETTERment of our daughters life. Its not perfect but it is better. Lastly I want to thank you all. this is just sooo awesome to get this off my chest. I do know that the story left some details out that my have changed your comments. Sorry for that. Hard to get it all out at once and cover all aspects sometimes.

Wow, I wish I m more like u :(

You don't seem to have taken a very pro-active position in any of this.



She left you.

She decided to come back.



You did - - - what ??



If you are now taking a pro-active stance on this "college plan" strategy, you'd do well to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction NOW and start planning.



Most "college plan" exits fall flat on their arse and don't happen. There is always another landmark off in the distance, after which you'll do it. Except you won't.



Tread your own path.

I think if you are going in with your eyes wide open and the focus is on parenting it can be done. I did it - and I'm nearly done - my grown children (3 of 5) appreciate the fact they had married parents, but are now ready for me to leave him. Just saying.

It might be ignorance on my part, but I'm not sure I fully understand, or even agree with this yammering about staying for the kids.



From the research I've done, and certainly from my life, any profoundly unhappy parents who stay together in a loveless marriage is doing ***no favor*** to the kids.



All I got to see was the venom, the disdain, the hate, the mounting frustration between two people who, clearly, felt nothing but animosity for each other. Even if they thought they kept a tight lid on it (for the most part), they didn't. We're not stupid.



All it taught me (not that I follow it..) is that it's better to settle, than reach out and grab life. All it showed me is, this is as good as it gets.



Is staying together really for the kids? How imperceptive must the kids be to be fooled by any of it? (Look up research on toddlers, even, and how an ugly marriage intoxicates even babies).



This isn't to say, or imply you're doing it all wrong -- but I guess I wish parents would reconsider that "me gonna stays 4 da kids" line of thinking.



It did me, and certainly many others, no good. At all.



Best of luck and love. ♥

It's not all bad news is it? Those seven months let you taste an alternative reality which was probably a learning experience for you and the time between now and when your daughter is 18 can also be invaluable in informing you of what you are looking for and want and what you don't want looks like. Plenty of time to plan and contemplate how you want and will improve your life on the other side. Nothing tragic in that at all. You are allowed to make mistakes, even big ones. However, repeating them would be an utter transgression. As long as you can genuinely live with all this in the interim there is nothing wrong with your resolve at all.

I wanted to stay for the kids but eventually the two of us were becoming really toxic and uncooperative. I was going insane. She said she was planning on leaving me soon anyways.



Keep in mind that your spouses can kill your plan to stay for the kids by filing for divorce. They can hold that threat over your head too.



There is nothing stopping you from calling them on it either.