All The Answers...'future Me'I have all the answers to our problem. Well, you do too really. I’ve read countless instances of SM and how many people are affected by them. I’ve seen all the writing on the wall for so long, and now it has jumped off the wall and into my head. This is, by the way, a very dangerous place to live. Every step of my journey here on EP has led me to the same inevitable path, the path in which one existence ends and is replaced by another. I started out by being frustrated and accepting of my SM, because at the time I did not know it was a SM but rather I believed it was either a phase or just a hard time for her. I let it pass. Somewhere in the middle I realized this was a SM and searched the internet for reasons, solutions, and the like…only to find stupid Dr. Phil and dumb ‘try harder’ ‘maybe it’s your fault’ advice. I call it stupid now because I know better, (though sometimes my mind and heart wander back to those thoughts). Here, towards ‘the end’ the clarity of my situation is downright irritating and scary.
I wake up in the ‘afternoon’ (I work 2nd shift) to “will you get up and help me #&$&… (Inaudible…on purpose I think).” Something was wrong with the cable, and a technician was coming to look at it and she wanted help cleaning up the house (a wreck, I think I discussed how she doesn’t clean in a previous post…I’ll come back to this thought). So I was lying in bed as she walked into the bathroom mumbling that I needed to get up (it’s about an hour before I usually do). She proceeds to run water, use the blow dryer, and generally make noise. I finally get up, get dressed, and go downstairs… this is after about 35-45 minutes. This is the same amount of time I would have used to shower, but couldn’t because she was in bathroom. She comes downstairs and says “well I guess you’re leaving now, huh?”…then asks me to take out the trash, which I did (it’s my job, so yeah, I can do that). Then on my way out I mention that I shouldn’t be late home from work, which has been the rule more than the exception. She then says she’ll probably be asleep, so I say in that case I might go find something else to do. (Ok, I know what you’re thinking here, enough of the he said she said, but wait).
About 20 minutes before work is ‘supposed’ to be over she calls and is leaving the store, asks if I’ll be coming home tonight… (See where this is going?)… blah blah blah, I get home a little after midnight (she has to get up at 5-6am to work tomorrow)… We talk, watch some TV, she even sat on the same couch as me tonight (4 feet dividing us, but the closest we’ve been to each other besides just sleeping in forever). Chit chat, TV, chit chat, I go outside (smoker) come back in, [oh it’s 3:15am at this point], she says she’s tired, to which I reply “yeah, it’s about that time for me.” I turn off the TV…she says “I hate when you do that.”
She hates when I’m about to go upstairs and get into bed at the same time as her. Specifically she says that she can’t sleep when I’m in the bed. (I do move a lot before I fall asleep…always have). This is a recent development, maybe 5-6 months or so. I go upstairs, brush my teeth and come back down…
“There, you can go to bed now.”
“That’s not what I was ******* saying.”
“I said that I can’t sleep when you’re in the room.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Do you hear yourself?”
“If you would let me explain.”
This goes on, but at 4 am she is still not asleep, though she is in bed, I am tired and now can’t even sleep in my own bed next to my wife. So yeah, while she’s at work I am hoping I can find an attorney that is open…I was going to wait until June to tell her I’m through, but now I think I need to speed this process up quite a bit; though due to timing and planned events I may still have to wait.
I know my whining and complaining aren’t going to get me very far, but right now they are getting me to the place that, at the very least, I can go back to if I have any doubts in the future. I will be able to read these in a week, or a month, or 6 months and say “hey, remember that…look at that one night that otherwise would have been an afterthought had you not known that this is not normal and had not written it down.” One day I’ll have it all figured out, or I won’t…either way ‘future me’ will be forced to remember that no matter how petty each complaint ‘he’ writes about is, they add up over time and they mean something. Even if ‘future me’ thinks all of this was a mistake, he will have to remember sitting on his couch at this very point in time typing this alone listening to 3 Doors Down (I never listen to this band and they’re ‘ahh, alright’).
So good luck ‘future me,’ I know you’re better off than ‘past me,’ even if ‘you’ are broke.