Frustrated And Hopeless
I have been married for 14 years to a man that is 15 years older than me. He portrays himself as a "ladies" man and makes every woman (and I mean every) and gay men feel like he wants them. He flirts with actions, looks and words to the point of making me feel like a piece of garbage. We separated 2 years ago for many reasons, this being just one of them. We were separated for 1 1/2 years then reunited because we do love each other and neither of us want to live alone or with anyone else. We have been back together for 1 1/2 years now and have absolutely no physical contact. He tells me that he has no desire for any woman but continues with his flirtations in public and online. He is 6'3'" tall and weighs over 300 lbs (obviously no Adonnis) and is 56 yo. I am tired of asking myself "what is wrong with me"? I am 42 yo, average height and weight. I have been told by men and women alike that I am beautiful and have an amazing figure. I have a hard time believing there is anything attractive about myself and in fact feel like I must be the MOST unattractive woman on the face of the earth. I must also add that my husband has bragged to me and anyone that will listen about his past "conquests" and how he has always had to have more than one woman to satisfy him. I have been everything from a size 12 to a size 1, blonde to brunette, make up to no make up, and a literal slave to the desire I have to be loved and wanted as a wife instead of a companion. I have gotten to the point of completely giving up and just live in this relationship that is devoid of affection and intimacy but don't know how to keep positive. I am depressed and have no self esteem left which doesn't help at all. I naturally take all the blame for his lack of desire for me but I know that it's not all my fault. There is no "talking" about it anymore. It is the white elephant in the room all of the time for me.