Fire And IceI say Fire and Ice because that is how I see what is going on now in my marriage. I had a long talk with my H again on Friday night and as agreed upon earlier I am giving him until the end of the school year. He has about 6 more weeks, give or take. Several things were discussed to include the fact that the last two weeks had been very similar to all the other time before. I said that things had reverted and I was seeing the same behavior. He explained that he was so stressed he just couldn't handle things.
I asked why he didn't talk to me so that I could help? He couldn't explain. Just like always. We shared what started out as a nice passionate kiss and then in the middle of the kiss he pulled back and left it up to me to decide whether or not to continue. There was no passion what so ever! It started like it would be but it died the minute I began to participate, almost like he was afraid that it might lead to something else.
The counselor said that I should talk to him, my H, and try to make a plan to do something special for each other every day. I promised I would try to do this but I'm just not feeling it. I will keep my promise but I see it as a set up for more heartache. The doctor said I should try and give him every chance so that when I left I would have no regrets. Now after thinking for awhile, I have to wonder, haven't I been doing that for the last 10 years without any change?
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I am a glutton for punishment. I truly believe that I can not do this any longer but I will keep my promise. I feel like I am not becoming the refuser and I am really starting to hate myself for how I feel. I don't want to be this person. This is what I was trying so hard to avoid and now it appears to be too late. I wish it was the middle of June now and I could just start packing. Ahhhhh!!!!!
Thanks for reading, comment if you have something to say. :)
greenpfenig 46-50, F 16 Responses 0 May 1, 2012