?????????????????

He obviously doesn't want to lose you, so he is trying not to. Now he may have a ulterior motive to do all this so he can then get back to his comfort zone. But, maybe his comfort zone would also be just to get you out of his life. But, he'd rather stay with you, so no matter what his motive may be, he sees his life with you in it not out of it. Just a tip from another man, when we try, we like to see that our trying is noticed and somewhat appreciated. When we feel it is noticed and appreciated we then keep on trying. When you don't notice it or act as if we appreciate it, then we just don't care, and end up letting things get back to the way they were before. My only suggestion to you is don't worry about the motives, thank him when he tries to do what you want, and smile at him, talk to him, make him feel loved, and hopefully he will make you feel that way also. It's a two way street, not only he has to do all the work, you need to also. Hope it works out.

My husband did the same thing! He was totally against counseling. He said "I have nothing to work on why would I go." He always was against anyone else hearing our issues. He didn't want people to see he might fail at something. He was always concerned about what others thought. Deep down its his own insecurities. He wouldn't willfully admit really any wrongdoing at anything really. He would smile with some smart-*** remark or excuse. Well, that's what I saw. He had some reasoning for all he did. He had convinced himself.



It got to where I felt like I tried everything. After explaining on numerous occasions, in various very specific ways in person and in letter form....I said "I can't do this any more. I am done." And I meant it. He got really pissed. He walked out, sped off. He came back in this state of almost panic and sadness and began to say things like "I didn't know you were this unhappy, that it had gotten to this." So after a long drawn out frustrated talk and a bit of heated discussion etc he ended up agreeing to counseling.



To me it was as if it had to be on his terms, I mean when he was ready within himself. He brushed me off until that was it.



I haven't read all the replies and your stories (my apologies I'm low in time most often) but my thoughts are that it is hard for many man (and prob woman) to get help, its like admitting failure. Some are ok with it and some take this has a real hit. Some never go. I am curious to see how things work out.



With us....we did counseling and things were good, then its slipping again to old habits. We will see what to do next. We did keep much of the counseling with us and do know how to communicate better at least.



I wish you the best!

I may be crazy or off the wagon, but I feel you can tell a lot about how someone truely feels about you with their kiss. A passionate kiss is full of love, a hen peck to me means the fire is out but they like having you around for security reasons.

-----"I just want to scream at him and shake him mercilessly and make it all stop!!"



With the right contingency plan the professionals will do the talking for you!



Speak softly or not at all and let the lawyer be your voice!

OMG. We are married to the same man. lol I gained a lot from the comments left for you, thanks for sharing your story... Stay strong, stay true to you!!

This is bullshit.



He knows it. So do you.



Tread your own path.

" "I guess". "

NOT the most ardent of commitments! By all means give it one more try but be serious about your time limit.

Am I CRAZY...Or is the THE "soap opera" of the year??? You KEEP saying you made a PROMISE... I say: **** the promise!! Just tell him you can't take this **** anymore and you're cutting it short!! You need to do this for you OWN sanity!!! !!

"Is he finally getting that I am serious, or is he just trying to cajole me so that I don't get serious, hoping that I will forget all this and let him go back into his comfortable little world?"



Yes, either or either. Something got his attention and made him sit up and start wondering. I'd guess that your body language or your behaviour towards him changed once you realized that this relationship was probably a lost cause.



"I left for a minute and then came back and said, "What's wrong? Don't you want to try?" He said "I thought I was doing nice things. Do you mean romantic type stuff?""



LOL, he really didn't get it for the last 10 years, did he. No, really, that question makes me think that he had no clue what he was (not) doing, he was so tied up in his own world. And, sadly, it's quite possible that he'll not begin to understand any time soon, either. He's had a mother and a housekeeper, not a lover to be wooed. And he may never understand that continuing to chase your lover's tail and wooing them romantically is what keeps things alive. Did you ever get a chance to watch his parents interact in a non-formal unobserved moment?

I think non affectionate partners just don't feel the same way we passionate people do. Life is about living and love is about giving (and receiving)...look into your heart and see what you feel~ A

"Is he finally getting that I am serious, or is he just trying to cajole me so that I don't get serious, hoping that I will forget all this and let him go back into his comfortable little world?"



The latter. He actually DOESN'T think you're serious and is calling your bluff. He is saying to himself "what will it take to get things back to where I don't feel this discomfort, anxiety and displeasure anymore?" Let's try.... THIS. Or maybe.... THAT. Yeah, THAT seems to make her happy for now. the problem is he isn't making the changes for himself so they won't stick once you are actually satisfied for real. When he pulls it away it will become "see, nothing is ever good enough for you."

Who knows! What, if anything, do you want out of it? It could be last-stage panic, really recognizing that he is between a rock and a hard place. However, that could mean his intent is either good or bad, only he knows. He is struggling with a purpose but what the purpose is is anybody's guess, including yours. You could always ask in a non-judgemental way. That way you MIGHT get a candid answer, or you might not. I guess the question for you is are you interested, is it worth the risk to your further? What would happen if you simply asked him, "This isn't easy for you, is it?" From the way he responded to you it really does sounds as if the prospect of communicating over this scares the **** out of him. Does the prospect of telling him exactly what you want, in excruciating detail if necessary, kill your desire stone dead? If you make a conscious decision to reject these attempts, cack-handed as they are, then it really is over and it might be best to just tell him that and put whatever steps are necessary into action.

"You mean, like romantic type stuff?" "Is that like, where you want me to kiss you and **** like that?" "Do I have to kiss your face?"



Sounds like this guy had a gerbrainium transplant.

The most precious commodity that a parasitic, refuser spouse needs more than anything, and will say almost anything to buy more of is this: TIME.



Be warned. He is trying to buy something he senses is coming to an end - that would NOT be your love and your relationship but TIME.

"Is he finally getting that I am serious, or is he just trying to cajole me so that I don't get serious, hoping that I will forget all this and let him go back into his comfortable little world?"



Exactly.

You got it in one. He's trying to bring you back into his comfort zone and reestablish the status quo. This happens frequently once they see that you are headed for the door but 99.99% of the time it's a put up job with no substance behind it just designed to lure you back into your chains so that they can resume their comfortable little refusing life. If you weigh ten years of assholish behavior against this supposed new behavior you will see the true man and his true way of behavior which he will revert to very shortly once he feels there is no longer a threat. This is the kind of thing that can drag out the agony for quite some time because it plays on HOPE which in this case is your enemy because it is false hope. You can play counseling all you want to but if in your heart you've had enough of this then there is no point. Because it takes two fully committed individuals working as a team to repair this kind of damage and you already know he's not fully committed and I think in your deepest heart you are finished with it as well so there's just no point in playing this game.

You know, you might start counseling and decide it's not worth it after all.

It will do you both good.

Chin up my dear, and hang on tight cause it's a long ****** ride, that for sure.