Let Go

I feel for you...I really do. My wife and I used to fight like that. USED TO. We both realized, after some time, that whatever we argued over was simply away to get back at each other or to achieve another end. What my wife wanted was to feel appreciated. I was always stressed and wanted peace. We sought professional help and it made a lot of difference, but what really made the difference was the stark reality that I would not divorce her and she would not divorce me and our stubbornness wasn't going anywhere. It's not to say we don't argue now. We do. But as soon as we start feeling angry...either I or she will start paraphrasing each other's statements to make sure we understand each other. That's a powerful technique. The last thing is...I recognize how how she feels and she recognizes how I feel....sometimes we just leave it at that.



I truly hope things work out for you. Nothing is more tiring and taxing on you mentally and physically. It pulls at the strings of your moral fiber and your whole sense of morality can come undone.

A proverbial Rock and hard place situation....step over both I say

ohhhh :( am sorry for you but you should take serious step about that , stop hiding in urself , u will get sick for not showing for him what you really , but please dont wish for yourself this bad stuff , and try to go out find more intersting stuff for urself to not feeling that u r prisoned in ur home dont feel that and share ur childreen with u will have alot of time that will be nice for you , i really wish for u all things going ok

I believe there comes a time when you have to either pull out the white flag and declare its over or you have to BOTH recognize the seriousness of the issue and put 100% into changing the rut you are in. Usually both dont want to put the effort in so one will got at it 50% just to stay afloat until things go back to where they were. Its not an easy fix and it will take a lot of effort, more effort than most people want to give. I wish you the best.

The comments that he's making sound very much like he's blaming you for wanting kids. That's a sign that he resents them and that's not a good thing at all because it indicates a severe lack of maturity. I think you are in over your head here and the water is rising fast. Sometimes things are just beyond repair and it sounds very much as if this is one of those times. You've flogged yourself unmercifully trying to fix things and make things work but there's no cooperation from the other side. You cannot do this alone it's like trying to build something that requires four hands but you only have two so it's impossible. But recognizing that it's impossible is very hard for most of us and we keep battering ourselves against the wall attempting to do the impossible. You are in a tough spot with two small kids but it is doable because many others have succeeded against those odds as well. But it will take courage and it's going to be tough but maybe in some ways it will help you realize how capable you really are. Start planning and looking for resources. Find out what is available through government agencies, women's assistance programs and virtually anything in your community that offers anything you can use. Leave no stone unturned and you may be surprised what you find. Your situation isn't getting any better and I think you are beginning to see that lashing yourself to the mast of a sinking ship isn't a smart thing to do either. Just do your best at holding yourself together and find as many resources as you can, do what you need to do to preserve your sanity for the sake of your kids. Good luck.

So sorry, this is heartbreaking. Change is scary, but it may be time to consider moving on without him. Seeing a lawyer might be a good idea, just to have the information in your back pocket should you ever need it. Stay strong and take care.

Hey keep at it and stay strong. If you need to walk then walk! Don't hesitate for one second. This sounds like the type of situation you need to get out of if can not see any light. I have experienced loveless relationships and it's never easy ending it, I would always cling on in hope. Don't empower him with the final decision. You do it once you have had enough which by the way sounds like you are already there. Good luck, and keep us posted

Change can be tough, I think that's my biggest fear.

Heart breaking for you ocean. I know you had your hopes up with this business idea and it sounded like he was making some concessions to you. I know how it feels to get your hopes up like that...only to have them dashed. The basic problem is still the same - he does not care, or is not able to even approach providing what is needed.

i know what its like. Keep do ur best. Maybe now its stormy but rain isn't fall forever. If he doesn't appreciate ur presents, u may sometimes give him ur absences.

The irony is, your in a good place when you are as low as you can go, because the next step is up. Rebuild time - time to shine Ocean!

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I wish I could babysit for you just one afternoon a week, you could use that time to do whatever makes you feel like you. Sit in Starbucks and linger over a latte. Walk around a lake alone. Work on yourself, not just on your marriage. He will see you growing stronger and better and he/you will know what to do after that. I say stay put and work on yourself while taking care of your children, put the man and the marriage on hold, then see what happens once you are stronger in yourself. The right thing tp do will become evident.

Each time you have an 'aha' moment, go back and read your previous stories ans the comments written by those who have walked this gauntlet. You'll see what was written with new eyes. Be well.

It sounds like he's really upset about something. based on the comment "you wanted kids", it appears that he's resentful of the current situation. Kids and responsibility can translate into pressure, so you might simply be on the receiving end of his problems.



I'm really sorry to hear your story. There just doesn't sound like any easy way to resolve the issues that your H is experiencing.



Good luck.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Its unfortunate when your loved one just wont change. But you however need to focus on yourself and your children. It sounds that he has worn you down.



I would suggest its time you looked after yourself. Dont include him in your plans. Do you have girlfriends you can go out with? Make plans and go out. Don't invite him. Just tell him his looking after the kids on night x as you have plans. If possible get your hairdone, or a manicure & pedicure you will feel so much better.



If you start to live your own life, without including him he will get the picture. Either he will realise he has to change or he will come out and end it if he doesn't care.



Stay Strong & Good Luck

Yup, big milestone to accept that it's dead. It's like opening your eyes after a long sleep. Doesn't mean you like what you see, but it does mean you aren't weighed down by illusions any more. Illusions take a lot of energy to maintain.

The time arrives in our lives when we start making choices based on what is in our own best interests. This is not selfish, it is being authentic / real. It is being who we ARE.



In a functional relationship, this is a great thing, as the two participants feed off each other and end up producing something even better than the total of the individual inputs. They help each other grow.



In a dysfunctional relationship, there is no joint effort. The person who wants to embrace their authentic self can only "invite" the other to join them on their journey to enlightenment. The other person makes their choice as to whether they are going to be a part of it, or not.



Usually, the ILIASM member is the pro-active one. The one who wants to realise their potential and their aspirations. Unfortunately, the spouse IS actually already at their level of potential. What they show you today IS their authentic self. What they are showing you today, here and now, is IT. That is them.



You, have distance to go on your journey. The refuser has no more growth in them. The gap just widens as you move forward and they stay inert.



It's a *****, it is unfair, it is inequitable. But it's a fact.



And you only work your way through it by ferreting out the truth, and basing your choices on those truths.



It is desperately hard work. And no-one gets a pass on it.



And it is the best thing you will ever do for yourself.



Tread your own path.

Oceansun, I could have written this... sadly, we're in the same boat.

He is mad inside ...kids are creating distance between you guys ...!

ask for help from a family member to come and help you looking after kids so that you 2 can have a chat or a bite together outside without kids around !



You are lucky that he is not indifferent at least and he gets mad because he cares about having you !

That is the feeling I got !

Hope must die.



Then you are ready to move on.

I'm an italian guy, from the east coast now live in St. louis, when my wife and I go through stages of of boredom or being non-sexual. I focus on things that make me happy like music and vinatge clothing.. and I reach out for social setting whereas I can meet new people that share the same interest.

The idea is either my wife will either come around and get back on track or I will meet someone new. I don't make it a game.. I just figure its better than sitting around with a hurt heart.. so far my wife has always come back to me when she feels she just might lose me and the our sex life improves for a while..

you scenerio maybe very very different so I'm not suggesting anything.. but I do know that you can control your life by the actions you take by decissions you make in moving forward.. rather than to reacting to someone elses actions and moving backwards

I hope it all works out

You have the power to change everything..............

maybe what is best.... you somehow get away so you can sort things out and jus think.... a friends place.. parents.. or wherever.

Only you can make that decision.



It sounds to me like his comments are as much out of angry frustration as anything. Yes, so maybe you did want kids..... You didn't manage that alone and just because you wanted them that does not give him any right to not do his fair share of the work.



Being parents is a 24 hour a day job for you both. It doesn't sound like he wants to admit that. Honestly, watching the kids for an hour so you can relax in a bath, is that so much to ask ? I don't think so. I don't think you should have to ask, it should be given willingly.



Im also not so sure you really want this to be over. I could be wrong. I think what you want, need and deserve is the support of a husband.



This is not a good situation. There are no right and wrongs in whatever you decide you need to do as long as you decide it based on what you need.



If its a way out you need, there must be a way to find one. It won't necessarily be easy but at least you will know where you stand.



If its a return to sanity and a family life that you need then the two of you need to talk. There will be anger and probably shouting but you both need to be honest. I know you need help and support to look after your family.

I suspect he needs help to learn how to cope with your kids too. Does he do anything for them ? Does he feel insecure about looking after them ?

Maybe he is taking the easy route of letting you do everything because he doesnt know how to do it & needs your help to learn.



Try and get someone else to look after the kids for a couple of hours now and again so that the two of you can talk without distractions or trying to hide how you feel.



Good luck with everything you do.

Oceansun- for some reason your post really affected me. My heart goes out to you in this situation. My kids are everything to me, and always have been. Maybe as a man I'm strange that way, but I love being a dad.



Be strong and do what is right for you and the little people. I wish for you a hot bubble bath with candles and wine!

It would be a pure guess but I think he just resents being where he is, being what he is, with you, but it could be any woman, although that is of no consolation to you. He basically said it to you, "You wanted kids", which infers he didn't, even if he actually agreed to it at the time. Either he has changed his mind or he lied from the start. I'm afraid I suspect it is not uncommon.



Some men actually want children more than their partners but that is frankly rare and as one of my ex-work colleagues put it rather less than subtly "If it were purely down to men, the human race would be extinct within a few generations".



There will be those men here who will say that "I'm not like that" to which I would respond, "So what?" The majority of men simply don't have the same biological imperative as women appear to. They may sometimes like the notion of passing on their genes but I don't think it is really a big deal to the majority when it comes to the crunch. So a lot of them agree to having kids to keep the peace or to keep their sex lives alive or whatever. And some actually grow to love their kids especially when all the puking, ********, peeing and mewling is mostly done with and they think there is a modicum of hope that they can actually communicate with them in what is perceivably a common language rather than having to mind read.



Grim thought isn't it?

I am sorry to hear this, he said a lot when he said "YOU wanted kids". He sounds resentful. Hoping for the best for you.

We are all in the same boat. Unfortunately, after the stone age, it became to easy to raise kids without teaching them natural law.



We all have an unknown choice.

Either we learn to recognize that a lack of sex means our refuser-spouse has no intention of living the rest of their lives with us -- which is just a complicated way of saying our spouse does not love us.

or

We die fighting the truth.







Choose your own adventure!

Everyone says "cut and run"...which is something I plan to do at some point soon, but you my friend, need to sooner than me... Kids should always take priority!

Oceansun, do you have a therapist to talk with? A good therapist - CSW or psychologist - can be worth her weight in gold to help you work your way through this and to remind you that this isn't about you, its about life; and the task for you is to focus on what kind of life you are going to make happen for yourself and your kids. Whether your husband is part of it has everything to do with his choices. You do not own his choices.

Sorry that things aren't getting better. I can relate to some of this. My wife doesn't get mad though. She seems to have no emotions towards me at all. I do feel like I'm living with a stranger. She only gets mad if I try and talk to her about these issues. There is no sadness on her part that I seem to not even care anymore. I know it's hard to do, but I think eventually you just have to stop being so invested in trying to get him to love and desire you.