Revelation Of Sort

Ever since early January when I made my decision to leave my SM in 3 years' time (for the sake of my 2 lovely children), I've found that w's meaness and manipulation no longer bothers me as much. That's a good thing, I guess. Or perhaps I am just getting jaded and my skins have grown thicker. LIttle bit of both.

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently about a lot of things. And yesterday, I asked myself "how am I doing?" And my answer was "I don't know." I really didn't know. For sure, I am happy that I have two lovely kids. But on the other hand, I have this sinking feeling that a little bit of me dies away with each passing day in this marriage. It is almost as if someone slices me away with a small yet sharp knife, piece by piece. I feel like a walking dead for the most part going through the routines.

I've had that walking-dead feeling for quite some time, but could never describe it in a coherent sentence. But yesterday I found those words. I am a person of affection. To the right person, I am happy to give my affection in abundance. And I have. In return, I am not shy to soak up all the intimacy and passion that the right woman in my life would give me. I've been that way all along since probably when i was a teenager. However, in my daily dealings with w, i have forced myself to shut it all down. Completely shut off. No passion, no affection, and no emotion. Like a light bulb that went off in my head, I finally understood why I feel like a part of me is dying every day when I am with w. I told myself I cannot live like this. For a person of affection and emotion, I am being suffocated by the environement which disallows emotions and intimacy. That is the grind that w is putting me through day after day. That is why I feel like I am a fish that's been kept out of the water for too long and it's just a matter of time when I would waste away.

The exit sign is flashing red and it's very inviting. I know I will take it sooner rather than later. I just hope that I can do so gracefully while making it tolerable for the kids who I love so much.
DolphinSmiles DolphinSmiles
41-45, M
11 Responses May 4, 2012

You put words to my feellings.<br />
You call yourself walk dead, i call myself an anesthetized woman :(

I have also found peace in myself from having an 'exit plan' whilst feeling that till my daughters older she's better with her dad as child carer than after school club and or a child minder. At the moment this is good enough. I'm much less unhappy. <br />
Step by step I'm trying to get him to be involved more in family life...who knows I may get him through this but at least now I have my sanity! Love and hugs to you Dolphinsmiles. I understand how you feel and why you're doing what you're doing! Xxx

I don't have an answer for you but I will say that my parents divorced when I was 3. I went back and forth between parents for years after. My parents had girlfriends/boyfriends. My dad remarried. My mom had another kid with a man. Do you know what sticks in my mind? The crap they said about each other. The battle in court and child support. Going back and forth wasn't the hard part. It was the words and love loss. I didn't feel like I was their center at times. In fact, according to the marriage counselor I saw this had a huge impact on me. it wasn't that my parents split, it was how they handled the split and what they said and did in front of me. <br />
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My advice to you, is that you do not stay in an unloving environment for the kids. And if you do leave, do not get angry in front of them, do not "lose it" do not blame her. Kids know and see and feel everything. They are very smart. You think they may not know or understand...they DO. And this may impact them for the rest of their lives. Even what you are doing now or not doing is affecting them. <br />
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You cannot control what she does and how she reacts but YOU can control YOUR part and do what is best for your kids. <br />
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Hugs Smiles :-)

Dolphin, youtr kids will never be the right age. The younger the better in most cases, as the child/ren grow up thinking of this as the "norm". <br />
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Can you plan for a future where you will haver optimum contact with your children and thus be a constant and positive part of their lives, without needing to remain in your current situation? Of course I have no idea of how feasible this is for you, but I urge you to think through every possibility to achieve such an outcome. {{{Hugs}}}

I love your desc<x>ription of your soul searching - your "thinking". You have beautifully articulated your need for intimacy...<br />
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"I am a person of affection. To the right person, I am happy to give my affection in abundance. And I have. In return, I am not shy to soak up all the intimacy and passion that the right woman in my life would give me."<br />
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This is part of your resolve. You are wanting and asking for something that is normal in the context of a marriage relationship - what you have is abnormal. If you give up on this, you give up on yourself. <br />
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The other thing you have discovered is the peace of true acceptance. Once you've made a decision, no matter when the execution, you no longer have to engage in things the way you did before. If she acts bad or stupid or thoughtlessly, it has nothing to do with you. Acceptance is so difficult for the refused because most of us are classic enablers who have devoted ourselves to the belief we could love someone enough to help them change or heal. <br />
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Thanks for sharing this...your growth will continue to be exponential!

You are correct. After years of struggling with this, I have finally reached a much calmer place emotionally after I have accepted the situation. The anger is replaced by peace, and the questioning is replaced by an execution plan. Thanks for your support.

I feel for you, and I feel like you do, and I probably have the same fears as you.<br />
good luck

I pray you do not find out in the future your wife has a physical or mental condition that is causing her behavior or even that you needed to change your behavior.

People who do not understand the sexless marriage syndrome are not in a position to give advice. I suspect you are a "refuser" in your marriage as you are so quick to defend the Refuser viewpoint. Furthermore you know nothing of this poster who has tried excessively hard for many years to resolve the issues he has in his marriage and has met with NO cooperation from his wife.
I striongly advise you not to offer your biased and judgemental opinions on a topic about which you have no understanding.

In love with your comment Enna, since I cannot like it

Thanks Enna.

I am no expert but, having been through a divorce myself which was according to some "better than staying in a bad marriage" , your kids will feel very abandoned and depending on your ex wife's attitude they may be much worse off. I might suggest you perhaps ask yourself different questions like Why is this a sexless marriage? Seek help in resolving the issues between you two (since at one point you must have been having sex to have children with her). You may find out you may find out you threw away a diamond as well as the lives of your children when it is to late. I have had my issues in my current marriage and I can tell you from experience, the tougher the going the better the reward. Your family will be much better off to work through it than to throw it away.

She already threw it away. He's just, finally, realized this and is acting accordingly. There's nothing to salvage. (from what it sounds like). The refuser breaks a couple. The refuser throws it away, long before the refused admits it. See?

Well, I can only guess that it was thrown away for some reason. Perhaps the rejected is rejected for a reason that may or may not be their own doing. This situation can be a matrix of varied situations of cause and effect. If a person sets their mind to staying or leaving either way they can find reasons to justify their goal. If the writer is truly looking for resolve he may want to start with the only person he can control is himself. Perhaps the writer may want to see what he can improve about himself or his action and behaviors that may ignite or defuse the situation.

Hi 56 - Thanks for your comments. I am sitting here, in my 5th year of my SM, trying to find a way to not get into a debate with you who argues that perhaps the rejected is the one to be blamed for their being in an SM. I came to a conclusion that it is probably not the best use of my time.

I am not making any judgment just an alternative thought. I hope the very best for you through the struggles and what ever decisions you make or actions you take. I am sure it is a best not what you would desire in life and a marriage.

1 More Response

3 years eh.<br />
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Wonder how much more damage will be done to your self esteem and mental well being over the next 1,000 days ? By May 4th 2015, your capabilities to perform the departure may be nowhere near as solid as they are today.<br />
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Likely, your life will be MORE complicated in 3 years time than it is today, and that fact alone diminishes the likelyhood of a departure at that time.<br />
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Point I am attempting to make here is that if the strategy of departure on May 4th 2015 is a good idea, it is still a good idea TODAY.<br />
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The "college plan" usually falls arse over head when the time for execution arrives. Often, the deferral of the departure results in another deferral when the time comes, then another, and another.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Hi Baz, I hear you loud and clear. It's not the "college plan" that the 3 years are meant for. My youngest one is only 5, and I am staying to hopefully to have the oppotunity to make some childhood memories with her. Maybe I am too naive.

There is a school of thought that the younger the kids, the better they adapt. And you'd actually be a regular part of their lives as a responsible co-parent would you not ?

Tough choices. I'm sure you've looked at all the literature on what benefits the kids most; a toxic marriage or divorce. Kind of a toss up but my belief is the toxic marriage will leave the kids worse off long term. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. People need to be happy and they have to make sacrifices in order to do so. Part of that is ponying up to the attorney and paying the price for the ensuing years until the kids are grown up. If you don't make the move you'll never know what you're missing. Sometimes the grass never is greener but at least you'll have done what is right for you and the kids. Good luck.

You know how you said originally that your plan was to exit in 3 years, does your wife know this? Or are you going to drop it on her when the time is nigh.

Well, I don't think it makes much sense to tell her outright that she could have 3 more years to torture me. So, "no, she doesn't know" would be the answer.

So you'll get to drop it on her out of the blue when the day comes, and watch her face? Good good. Stay strong.