Karma Will Get The Best Of You!

I wanted the DOMINO EFFECT to change directions…….I grew up in a dysfunctional family and my mom became a single mom of four.  Being the oldest I grew up very fast, but not by choice.  I learned at a very young age that I didn’t want to become my mom.  I made the decision to become a professional and have kids after I was economically independent.  I also wanted for my marriage to last a lifetime and for my kids to have the opportunity to grow up in a household accepted by society as “correct and normal”. Whatever that is at this point!!!!!

Well…..Long story short it didn’t work for me and I’m still trying to find happiness…..I don’t think I will ever have that and I need to learn how to be content with who I am and what I’ve become.   I had a boyfriend for 10 years and he didn’t want to marry me.  We were college sweethearts, graduated, lived together for some time, started a successful business together and then I got pregnant after all those years.  When I was seven months pregnant he decided he had enough of me and left. I was toooo fat and ugly for his taste.  I had always been very skinny and petite, but I was pregnant.  Five months later I was back to being my skinny self, to this day. He couldn’t understand it was a temporary state!!! I was devastated and very, very depressed. I didn’t know how much verbal abuse I endured while pregnant until I matured and understood the signs of depression.  I became what I was always scared of becoming “My Mom” a (single mom). 

I didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself; I had a little person that depended totally on me.  That became priority #1!!!  A love that lasted ten years was automatically substituted by my newborn “Thank God”.  My focus was being the best mom I could possibly be and providing a lifestyle that I didn’t have growing up.  I didn’t go anywhere without my child and didn’t go on a date for two years. 

One day I decided I needed a well deserved vacation and went on a cruise with my then 15 year old sister.  I meet a very persistent man that I was definitely Not attracted to by any means.  Short thereafter he started visiting me and my son.  I was very hesitant and I really didn’t like him, but he is a great man.  I really saw a perfect DAD, not a lover.  He knew I was not sexually attracted to him.  I felt I needed to be honest, but he really didn’t care.  After four years of dating, his family wanted us to get married.  His family was very religious.  He helped clean the house, he took excellent care of the baby, he was a good provider, very respectful, and although I never asked for anything he gave me everything I wanted.  We never argued about anything because my needs were always met and since he knew I was not sexually attracted to him, he never asked.  Basically we had a perfect marriage with NO SEX.  He wanted to get married, but I felt guilty.  I wanted him to know that I knew I could not be the lover he deserved and I wanted him to find someone that could reciprocate the love he gave me and not be selfish.   He didn’t care so we got married. 

No one ever knew we lived like roommates and I really cared for him very, very much.  My sex drive and passion for love was turned off like a circuit breaker after my son’s dad left me pregnant.  I really had everything I thought I wanted…a great husband, a wonderful dad for my son, and beautiful and peaceful home.  I really thought I could live the rest of my life like this.  Only one thing was missing SEX, “Who really needs that right??????” I think the reason I said my marriage was great except thee sex is because sex is only thing I didn’t have, so I thought I could brush it off. Well it is one thing, but it is a huge thing!!!! And now I know that.

Well here is the main problem……..I traveled a lot and meet a man at work that I fell head over heels for.  When we meet my breaker automatically turned on.  I have to confess I had an affair and everything I had known and worked for went down the drain.  Long story short I divorced my husband and married this person.  "I know!!!" At this point everyone who’s reading this is going to hate me, I HATE ME.  I thought for the first time I wanted to do something that would make me happy and not live my life making everyone else happy. 

I broke my husband’s heart.  Even though I really didn’t love him he willingly knew and accepted the commitment.  It’s not an excuse and I will always feel guilty for it.  He is and will always be a GREAT MAN.  I really hope he has found what he really deserves.  I had to tell him how sorry I was and ask for forgiveness and I did.  Thank God he accepted the rest is on me…..

On the other hand life always makes sure you get what you deserve.  I do have a very good husband, but believe it or not I’m back to square one.  “I have a second roommate”. As much as I love him and try, what we had when we first meet is over.  I know that I deserve every minute of it and KARMA is out to get me.  Rejection can be very overwhelming.  I know I’m bound to live a sexless life with no passion and I’m literally dying inside.   I’m living a lie all over again and no one knows.  I forever have to hide my true feelings and this is the way I feel nearly every day.

I’m in my mid thirties and for the sake of my son I will not have a third partner as a step dad.  I’ve made my fair share of bad choices and we have to live up the consequences.  I do live a very bitter life with my current husband, feeling that he didn’t give me a choice and sold me a lie.  I gave my former husband the choice to marry me knowing I could not give him that part of me.  I was not given the choice this time and he is really not interested in me anymore.  We have only been together for three years and it feels like forever.





board2deathwife board2deathwife
36-40, F
7 Responses May 5, 2012

I'm very grateful for everyone who took the time to read my story and comment on it. Believe it or not at this point everyone of you has become my counselor. It was a lot easier to tell my story "anonymously" and have people look into my life from the outside in. I will take any and all opinions as constructive criticism, whether positive or not, and apply what I believe will help me move to the next chapter. <br />
<br />
I will seek counseling and "Yes" I do have a lot.....of baggage, but because of it tend to attract men who are needy. Men whom I have to take care of, more than they take care of me. I'm at a point in my life where for once, I want to be taken care of and be somebody's priority #1. This may or may not happen, but in the event it doesn't, I'm sure it won't be the last time I fall and have to pick up the pieces. <br />
<br />
Not being a selfish person at all, I would have never thought in a million years looking back that wanting "Passion and Sex" would be so detrimental to my happiness. I guess that's what being a human it's all about...... <br />
<br />
Thanks again......

You would benefit enormously from counselling. NOT because there is anything "wrong" with you, but your early life experiennces have certainly damaged your life in many ways. You consistently make poor choices because of your early conditioning. I suspect that, at bottom, you have serious self esteem issues. Children raised in dysfunctional families almost always do.<br />
<br />
Counselling will help in many ways. It will help you better understand yourself and thus make more informed choices about your life. It will assist you in figuring out what you really need and want, and how to get it. It will help you recognise the "authentic you" and to value and appreciate her.<br />
<br />
All of these things will be of great value to you as a person, and even more, to you as a mother. "Fixing" your own issues is the greatest gift you can give your child. By being a healthy fully functioning individual in all aspects of your life you have the best possible chance to be the mother you truly want to be - and the mother your son deserves.<br />
<br />
Please give my suggestion consideration - for your son as well as for yourself.

Do you recommend seeking counselling for only me or my entire family?

Well, personally I believe EVERYONE benefits from personal counselling. In your case I would think all of your family desperately need it! But as you are writing the post, I onlyt addressed my reply to you. Also it requires a level of intelligence, maturity and self awareness if you are to make the best of counselling. You seem to have those. Only you will know if that also applies to your other family members.

Isn't life a queer business, as they say. Some people say that you shouldn't diagnose or dissect love because the wonder of it is that it just is. When I read stories like yours and a lot more else besides I just think "What a load of bollocks" because when it all goes **** up that is all there is left to do.

I am not going to say it out loud.

I personally do not see karma as some misty floating thing that comes along and bites you hard - it often is your own consequences for decisions you have made. I think marrying the man you married was cruel, but hey he was a willing partner (makes you think hun?). Something else about breakers turning on - what feels most familiar to you, will also turn you on - you have no idea what to do with a safe reliable guy who loves you hence no breaker - my most familiar man who was an absolutely electric relationship - was also the same man who tried to kill me. That is what I know - I don't know what to do with normal. Just some food for thought....

wow, so that's why some women keep picking the kind of men they do. I never understood that dynamic until you explained the "breaker"....thanks.

WOW!!! That's really amazing. I guess I don't know what's normal either. Didn't grew up with normal and I don't know what normal looks or feels like.

Morningteatime thank you for those kind words. After weeks of reading everyone’s experiences I finally found the strength to write my own story. It's very hard to live day by day just pretending to have the perfect marriage, having no one to talk to and being embarrassed of the situation. Someday, somehow I will find the strength to pull the plug, but as of now I’m not ready to give up.

Karma can be changed. I think it may be time to change the course of your life.<br />
<br />
You have consistently picked men who were wrong for you..why? The pattern repeats. But, karma doesn't lock you in if you choose something different. All the lessons have brought you to a place where you are now willing to look hard at the choices you've made. <br />
<br />
It would take tremendous strength and belief in yourself to pull yet another plug on a relationship, but I've discovered it's ultimately impossible to live without what you need (especially once you arrive in ILIASM land). The choices are had, but your child would be better seeing you happy and strong than watching you wither away in a bad relationship. <br />
<br />
It's time to work on yourself...seriously. Give yourself a chance to know what you need and to seek it. You missed the part of your childhood where you got to find out what you need and want. It's never too late, and the time may be now.