Crossroads

 
My story begins 11 years ago, when I was 24. Met a girl online, became friends and were chatting, exchanging mails. She told me everything about herself truthfully and I did about me. We had already agreed on getting married. We met after two years. She was overweight, average looking, but was a gem of a person. She was a virgin, didn't even know how to kiss, I tried to teach her.

We got married, I was the one who initiated sex, but there was little foreplay as I was in those days laden with testosterone and the thing got over in 10 minutes to 15. In short, we never had any passionate sex or intimate sex. I tried, but we were lacking that physical chemistry.

Her eating habits were bad, too much of fried stuff, chocolates, a very imbalanced diet which had its consequences. I tried my best to reason out with her that such a lifestyle would have damaging results in the long-term. But to no avail. Her life was work and TV and eating junk food. She became obese. I am a health freak, in to strength and bodybuilding. I tried motivating her, enrolled her in the gym three times, she quit saying that she finds it very boring. She wouldn't go even for walks, saying that she felt lonely, I volunteered happily to go with her but she refused. She used to leave her stained panties here and there. There were black stains, maybe some fungus infection. I explained to her not to leave them like that and to go and show to the doctor. The panties themselves were old and torn and she still wouldn't dispose them, saying that she felt comfortable. At times I saw her period-stained panties lying around, but I explained to her not to do that. After a year and half of marriage, I lost all the attraction (whatever little I had, physically) to her and spent my nights ************. Sex was once in months, and I had to tell her to get me hard and it was a process in the dark which I wanted to end quickly. Her nipples had hair, told her to remove them. She wouldn't. She won't dress up for me. To cut the chase, since last 7 years, the frequency of sex went from six months to years, and it has been 2 years since I had sex. The last time I had sex, there was a bad smell and I had to stop in between and she asked what happened? I told her nicely that there is a bad smell. But she did nothing about it. At one point, I took her to the gyna myself, who told her that the first thing she needs to do is lose weight as that is a root cause of several other ailments. But still, she wouldn't do anything. I have not kissed her on her lips since 8 years. 4 years back I want to divorce her, she promised me that she will take care of herself and pay heed to my concerns for her health and overall our sex life. Told her that she is the only woman for me, if she didn't look after my needs as a man, then who would....nothing worked, extremely stubborn. But yet she claims that this marriage and me mean everything to her. Two years back we agreed to have a kid and I begged her to lose weight as it could cause complications for the mother and child, she readily agreed. Two years have gone, NOTHING. Now, I do love her as someone who has been with me for 11 years. But it has been many, many years that I have lost all attraction to her and had told her so many years back in good way. Note, I have never been derogatory or made her feel low or hurt her ego or esteem.

I want to end it here. I want to divorce her. She will have a hard time dealing with it. She loves me, I know. She will not every get in to any relationship or marry. I know it. But, I have given her enough time and now I am going crazy without sex. I cannot keep jacking off all my life....I want to make love to my woman, have a kid and a balanced family.

But yet I am unable to muster 100% strength to leave her...find it painful to see her cry or hurt......I know that I have to take a decision at this point which is irreversible. I do not want to regret the decision.......

I am sorry but unable to regulate my flow of thoughts...have been spending sleepless nights and have lost 10 kgs in the past 9 months out of stress......
Thank you very much.

Maritaldilemma Maritaldilemma
31-35, M
11 Responses May 5, 2012

I do not understand....she still claims that this marriage and myself mean everything to her and she goes around still buying stuff for the house.....<br />
She knows that I am not happy but she thinks she can change herself. Since a couple of months she has started watching her diet and "occasionally" going for walks but while I still love and respect her but it is just not amorous at all. It's like we have lived together for 11 years, so naturally, the attachment, the bond will be there. Besides, as I said earlier, she is a gem of a person, but not a wife, hence, there isn't a single person who would harbour ill feelings towards her.<br />
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I feel bad that this is causing me and her pain, but I cannot keep on giving chances, none of us is getting younger. I am almost 36 now. I will remember her through life though....I feel very sad and torn....It is not the absolute lack of sex, but her ignorance towards my needs as a man, and my concern for her health.....<br />
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I do not know if I will be able to love again of find a woman again...

Seek out legal advice and then work with that advice regarding a Divorce. If the story has been described accurately you have given her planty of time to change.<br />
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Her habbits are disgusting and even had me cringing. I'm surprised you even sleep in the same bed as her. I can understand on why you want to leave.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

More testimony to the fact that prolonged exposure to a dysfunctional marriage does your head in. Gets you thinking weird ****, gets you tolerating weird ****.<br />
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Maybe you are coming out of the fog. Jeez, I hope so.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I have stayed away for 9 months from her. But, this was not any ultimatum or a threat. It was on the pretext of work. After 3 months, I called her for a week, but still the same, Pizzas, chocolate and coke.....

Read Too bad to stay too good to leave. Helps clear the mind.

I understand your point of getting tired of her, you have given her a lot of chances and still she didn't change. how could she be a good mother if she couldn't take care of herself? you are the total opposite, its good that you dont have children .it is much harder to decide on divorce if children are involved. but, why dont you try to live a few months away from her,, check if she'll really change. if not, then its about time,

NorfolkAndChance - Yes, I am sure. The irony is, I have helped a lot of people reduce weight and tone their bodies, except my wife! :-(<br />
I know that criticism, even constructive, rarely produces results in such cases...it might in fact have the contrary effect.<br />
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My wife is not at all under any depression. It is acute lethargy. She was always like this. People rarely change, and neither do their habits change easily. The best part is that she doesn't have to do any work in the house has we have a domestic help for that, nor does she have to cook anything, so she has ample time, but this is how she is. She is HAPPY, with her life. She has thoughts about losing weight, but they are thoughts and not strong thoughts. She wants instant weight loss. She doesn't want to work for it or even diet. It took me years to get her to brush her teeth in the night, but sadly, she still does it sporadically.....Hygiene, lifestyle, lethargy....didn't realize that these factors could be so fatal. At that point, I had promised her and swore that I loved her the way she is and accepted her the way she is....all that thing about unconditional love.....No...love is not like that...it requires many parameters to be in place to flourish and it takes two. I have been introspecting very intensely on all these 11 years and if there is something that I have missed, is the action of divorcing her the right thing to do...etc.. Maybe I am emotional or sensitive. But I have to decide. I came here, to perhaps find strength or support, or guidance....

It took me years to get her to brush her teeth in the night, but sadly, she still does it sporadically.------&gt;&gt; this is totally gross! my God! you have all the reasons!!! get a divorce!

"Note, I have never been derogatory or made her feel low or hurt her ego or esteem"<br />
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You sure about that?!?!?

Gibbysan, yes, your reasoning is sound. But I hope I am not letting just my loins decide here....

NO. You are NOT letting your loins decide here. Those are some seriously awful health and hygiene habits she has developed. That alone would be enough to walk away but there is also a lack of sex, lack of connection and lack of a real relationship. What do you think you are staying for?

I was in my early twenties and committed to her...yes, I was immature, I had no understanding of many things and relationship was one of them. I realized late that a very good person doesn't equal to a good husband / wife. I don't want to have sex with her because i have completely lost my attraction to her and I have got negative feelings as far as sex is concerned with her. It is so hard, living with a person for 11 years. Her taking me for granted and absolute neglect / ignorance of my requests, pleas and needs for her own health as well as as physical intimacy has pushed me on an edge. I told her many times that my sex life is screwed up, her response "I have never stopped you", "who says fat people can't have sex", told her that it is not a process, it is appeal, bonding, caressing...many things. Then, you start noticing small things, like how different we are in terms of many small things. I have learned, that there are no perfect relationships, but there need to be an equilibrium of a host of things for two people to see the beauty of their similarities and differences. <br />
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It is rends my heart to separate....had she been vile, spiteful or had other such vices, it would have been easier to leave her....

I don't want to sound mean here, but you knew going into the relationship that she, quoting you, "was overweight" and from the list of things you've mentioned it seems as though you didn't 'pick' your best match. If you are a health person then did you choose someone overweight so that you could motivate them to work out? OF course I don't think all the blame is yours, if there are some hygiene issues I can understand. It sounds like you are both the initiator and refuser in this case... you are complaining that you don't have sex, but then say you don't want to have sex with her...I'm no pro, and I've got my own host of issues with my SM but that advice given above by GibbySan... yeah, that's the one... no kids = RUN

everything else is bad but, whats wrong with not having kids? in fact watz right with it? whenever i hear parents talk all i hear is how sad and miserable their children make them and how much they regret they had children because they miss being young and single with few responsiblities