How I Got To Be In A Sexless Relationship

I am responding to So Cals story and I have posted on here before about a sexless marriage but he said something about looking back and seeing how long he's been in this situation. Mine has been going on for about 4 years, that's when the sex started fading and it was only very rarely when we used to have a great sex life. Now it has been a year and a half since any sex at all for me and in retrospect I wish I would have left when it first started happening but I kept hoping it would get better and in the beginning there was still hope but for about 3 year there really hasn't been any and now I am leaving. Thats why I tell people on here to do it now or be prepared to be in the same situation in five years and then ten. There were many reasons I didn't want to leave. I loved him, didn't want to leave my home, I prayed it would work out, but when you have a selfish person who thinks only of themselves and not you; it isn't going to change. Since then, just this year I have fallen out of love. How can you have love if there is no physical contact at all? There is none here and yet he says he loves me. Really? And just what are you basing that on? I cook, clean, handle business matters and at the end of the day I go to my bed alone. Sounds like he's taking advantage of me, doesn't it?

He is. He doesn't care about my feelings even though I have tried to talk to him. I am 56 years old and have spent ten years with this man but not all of those years have I lived with him. When we moved in together things fell apart. No arguing or anything, he just drank and stopped having sex with me. I was looking forward to moving in with him because before that it was motels. Little did I know that was to be the best time of our lives. About a year after moving in the trouble started, the sex stopped and it was the beginning of my nightmare. I came on here to see if anyone else was going through this and I was surprised by how many were. So I have decided to waste no more time but where will I go? What will I do? I don't know, but anything is better then being made a fool of.
jankathleen jankathleen
56-60, F
7 Responses May 5, 2012

Sorry but I just realized that this was an old thread. Still interesting though!


ITS A UP DATE ON MY situation had no reflection on you at all!!!!!

I don't know, you'd think that everything would finally fall into place when you move in with someone you love, but its like you never really knew them before, no matter how long you've known them. Its when you move in with them they show their true colors or something. I'm sure it isn't like that for everyone but its been like that for me. I want the man who doesn't change when you move in with him, but makes living together special.

I agree. Perhaps it because we expect things to go great because we finally have the man we want, I know that I can say I was expecting something entirely different. The passion before moving in was great and at the very beginning it was and then something happened and now there is no passion at all and he quit sleeping with me with no explanation at all. For a long time I just couldn't wait to move in and have marital bliss. What a disappointment.

I have always been single in this relationship, I was engaged but of course now I am not and plan on moving out in a few months since I now have a good job and a new car. I can' wait. 5 years of no intimacy is a bit much for me!

>>> knows someone that you could move in with & thinks the both of you would be veryy happy with each other :) & he;s 62 & still love sex specially oral & a lot of it :) all his parts work fine & even his tongue is good to go :) lol hasn;t drank or smoked in 12 & 1/2 yrs. loveee to french kiss & likes foreplay ,holding hands, playing kissy face in the stores :) , gets off trying to cop him a feel id he can :) lol

ok, ok, got the picture. Jesus.

nope not into any 62 year old man.... my guys is all ready 63.... next time around im going back to men that are younger.

I agree with you, westsideblues, mine is 68.

Interesting story, and one that is more common than many suspect! It sounds as though you're well-grounded and rational about how you must handle this!
However, that being said, and in reference to age, I am a good looking 61 that is very vigorous sexually. It isn't always the age that causes such maladies!

why do men think its all about sex ??? as if sex is what a relationship is all about.!!! as if they are going to be in bed all day ******* !!! not!~

no you are soo right ,its not all about sex ,but sex is a very important part of a relationship & with out it :( theres nothing :( why do you think that guys & women (& if u don;t believe me just look around on here ) start to look else where ?? >>likes to do lots & lotss of other things .go for walks, go to concerts, work in the yard , hang out at the river , buy my lady cards or grow some nice flowers to give her .

you must think sex is main theme in a relationship, since that's all you spoke of in ur first comment. im sick of men like you, who think with their **** !

you act all sexual to hook a woman into ur deceiving ways! Then once things settle down Mr. limp **** shows up.

and oh yea EP is not a pick up site for horny old geezers

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wow! You're my hero.

Thanks, but unfortunately I am still here. Waiting for a money issue. There has been no change in the relationship except I told him I would be leaving and why and he said things would change when our financial matters got better and I told him money had nothing to do with our problems. We are like roommates and I have no anger against him anymore. I plan on leaving in the next couple of months, there just wasn't anything I could do to leave sooner, but I will and maybe it will be to another state. I went to seattle recently and loved it there.

You're still my hero! I have never been to Seattle, but heard it's a wonderful place. I have a feeling that everything will work out for you just fine. Please let me know how it works out or email me if you just want to talk.
My situation isn't at the same point yet as yours, but you're an inspiration.

Thanks and here it is September and I am still here. There is nothing between us. Last sunday he got drunk and started yelling at me, saying he didn't like my attitude and all I did was come out and ask him if he wanted the air conditioning on. He was yelling f__k you Jan! over and over again so I packed a bag and walked out the door and went to stay with a friend. I came back the next day to get some more clothes because i'd had it and he apologized and hugged me and so I decided to stay because I still have that hearing to go to over disability. My attorney was late an hour for our hearing and now its another 2 months before I can get another one. I asked for another attorney. I was really upset and now I have to stay here until November. I really wanted to leave but I have to be close enough to go to this hearing since I have waited over a year for it. He hasn't drank at all since then, I think it scared him but he knows I will eventually leave. I finally told him that him getting drunk and me not isn't working for me at all. What I can't figure out is why didn't I leave when the problems first started years ago? This October will be 2 years since we had sex.

I have an update on my situation. I am now working. the disability fell through and out of nowhere came a really good job so now I can save to move out. I want to move closer to work. I've never lived by myself before but in a way its like i'm by myself. Nothing has changed here with him, we get along okay but no effort was made even after I told him I was leaving a few months ago. He said i'd never leave. I'm trying to figure out why he'd think I'd stay. He thinks I've changed my mind because I haven't mentioned it again. There is no point in telling him again, I've already told him 3 times and why and it still makes no difference. He is a nice enough man generally speaking but of course now I pay half the rent. I'm feeling a lot better since i've started working. I can get out of here during the day and I've lost more weight too. I want to be out of here this year depending on how much I can save and how much it is to move in.

reason why he believes you wont move out, is because after telling him numerous times ur still there.

your right to not tell him again. its just throwing spit into the wind. it ant going to stick.

I got a job 1-03-2014 and 3 days later i was gone, been gone for 14 months!

Well, that's great for you but I have a home that I have built for years and I am not losing everything yet again. I don't know where you went 3 days after you got a job or how you managed it financially but I have to do it all myself and save the money and the first thing I did was buy a car because I need a way to get to work instead of taking 2 buses there and back, I am also 59 years old and can't just pack a bag and leave. I have to leave a notice for the apartments so I will have a good reference and then I have to save to move because it is expensive . This is a big decision and in the beginning I didn't have anywhere to go, I will not go to friends or family, I will either make it on my own or not do it at all.

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The time is now. There is nothing to wait for. You have clarity and resolve...getting there is the hardest part. The next step won't be as hard.<br />
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Blessings to you!

Sounds as if his first love is alcohol which is a real deal-breaker there and then. Expecting someone who has no libido or probably any prospect of one is selfish, as well as unrealistic. That is not criticism, it is just a fact. Despite what some may have you believe you can't raise the dead, literally or figuratively. You have no choice if you want or simply need something different. There is no point wasting time or energy on the supposed unfairness of it.

He satisfies himself in the front room apart from me. I don't want him anymore so he can go at it

Wow. That is so sad. I always figured that if he wasn't having sex with me...
it was this or another woman.

Good for you my dear, it can only go up from here right?

Rated up! <br />
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I am glad it took you a very short time between your discovery of this online group and your decision to leave.