Sexless But Not Loveless...

I am 39 years old, a divorced mother of two, who is engaged to the love of my life. I live in a sexless relationship.
Of course, going in, I had no idea that I would end up loving a man who, despite his love and devotion to me, has no interest in me sexually. To be fair, he didn't know, either, although he'd admitted to me from the first time we met that his antidepressant made it hard for him to climax, so it would probably take him longer to get there. "All the better!" was my somewhat naieve response at the time. Little did we know, that first time would end up being probably the best time we'd have together sexually, as his interest waned just as it would seem that it should be at its highest. What we also didn't know at the time was that his lack of drive and eventual erectile dysfunction was the result of almost an entire lack of testosterone, not the anti-depressant like he had initially thought.
The lack of interest on his part was crushing to me, because only a year earlier, I'd finally gotten out of a sexless marriage. There were plenty of other reasons why my marriage failed, and the lack of sex in that relationship was a symptom of a much bigger problem, not the cause. Still, I have to admit, that once my marriage finally ended and I'd healed enough to feel like dipping my toe into the dating pool, I'd allowed myself some degree of excitement and anticipation over the thought of having the opportunity to be involved in a relationship that included sex a healthy sex life. I'd looked forward to maybe finally having someone who wanted me like I wanted them.
It's not like I wanted to get involved in a purely sexual relationship-I knew enough about myself to know that wouldn't fulfill me (which is one of many reasons I never cheated on my ex-husband, even when an incredibly handsome friend suggested that we consider adding benefits to our friendship). I was completely convinced that sex without love just wasn't for me when I had a very brief post-divorce fling with a jerk who it turned out wanted just that. I knew that what I wanted was for sex to be secondary to love-a way of expressing and enforcing love-not the primary focus of the relationship.
Given that, it may seem out of character that I slept with F on our first date, but we had already established a relationship by way of phone calls and hours long internet chats, before we met in person. I don't buy into the concept of love at first sight, because love is so much bigger than that and true love takes time, but with F, I came pretty close. I think he'd say the same about me. When he asked me, that first night, as we sat on his couch making out like a couple of giddy teenagers, whether I'd like to move into the bedroom, I hesitated-that wasn't the kind of thing I did. He told me he wanted to make love to me right then, but if I didn't feel right about it, we could wait, and that did it for me-the fact that he referred to it as "making love," grabbed my heart and never let go.
We did make love that night, and it was beautiful. Unfortunately, as far as our sex life together goes, that was the apex. Rather than re-gaining his sexual drive as he adjusted his anti-depressant and changed medications, his drive continued to decline. Along with that decline, he lost his ability to attain an erection, which was not that strong to begin with. We have been together slightly over an year, and probably have had intercourse a total of six times in that year. We've fooled around a handful of other times, with him trying his best to stimulate me through other means.
We are happy in all other aspects of our life, which may answer the question some readers might have as to "why are you going into a marriage that is going to be sexless, knowing it is?" I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.
I know how destructive a sexless marriage can be to the soul-my first marriage is prime example of that. But, that experience is nothing like my experience with F. It was the lack of love, not the lack of sex, that killed my first marriage. F loves me and does everything he can to let me know that, and that makes the world of difference.
Still, it is not always easy to deal with. I have finally ventured into this forum because I need someone to talk to, or somewhere to talk about my feelings on this matter. The communication F and I have with one another is another positive that I think will help us stay together. My ex always tried to pretend like there was no problem when I'd bring up the fact that it had been months since we'd been intimate; F talks about it, listens to my feelings, and tells me about his. Still, we are both suffering through this, and it becomes painful for him to hear how sad I am over the situation. The last time we talked about it in depth, he seemingly shut down. When I confronted the fact that he'd just quit talking, he told me that he just didn't have anything new to say. Then he told me he knew how sad I was, but asked me to think about how he felt-to imagine that he was in a wheelchair, and I kept telling him how much I wished we could take long walks together, knowing there is a physical barrier to that happening.
So, I live in a sexless relationship, and it causes me and my partner a lot of sadness, but it is something we are trying to deal with together, because I don't live in a loveless relationship.
browneyedsadgirl browneyedsadgirl
36-40, F
17 Responses May 5, 2012

browneyedsadgirl,<br />
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I can wholly appreciate the quandary in which you find yourself. I can see that your fiance can give you a very great deal of the things that you want in a relationship but that the problem, at the present, is his inability to make love to you. <br />
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At this point in your relationship I think that you are saying that the pluses far outnumber the minuses. In balance you are prepared to manage and sacrifice a satisfactory sex life in exchange for all the other wonderful things that your fiance can provide. This is a logical approach to the problem and indeed is one possible answer in your decision making process. However you have only been with your partner for just over a year so you can appreciate that your views may or may not change with time. <br />
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If you still find that the good outweighs the not so good over the years to come then you will maintain your relationship, if not then you will separate. This leads me to my take on your story. Is it absolutely essential that you make the commitment of marriage right away instead of waiting for a bit longer? If you are both good for each other then things will only get better with time and every passing week you will be more sure that you are doing the right thing in getting married. If nothing that you or he tries to increase his libido actually works do you think that you would be glad that you had not made the commitment prior to that knowledge? Once you are actually married it will be far more difficult for you to separate so why not wait until you are absolutely sure that it will be the right thing to do for both of you? <br />
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You are the only person who can judge whether your partner is capable of giving you the full, happy, wholesome life which we all deserve. All I am suggesting is that you carry on trying to resolve any problems you have now before you make a decision which will affect the rest of your lives.<br />
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My very best wishes to you both for the future on reaching a mutually satisfactory answer.

Browneyedgirl-<br />
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This is not the wrong place for you. I feel this is exactly the right place for you. People here are smart (for the most part). They may not always have the best or most user friendly presentation, but their sentiments are usually dead on.<br />
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It is not time for you to hear what people are trying to tell you, and that's ok. I have posted things here and gotten responses I didn't like at the time, but the reflections are simply an opinion - albeit a highly educated and experienced one. When I read them at a later time, I found they were spot on in more ways than one. People here heard what I was saying when I didn't know myself. The interesting thing about our writing is it's ultimate purity - it's hard to hide when you write what you feel and there's plenty of feeling on this site...including yours.<br />
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As a "mom", I would tell you that you don't need to settle - not on the big items. I have lived with the most wonderful man for 25 years and believed the sexual stuff would get better. Sadly, it doesn't get better usually. It's very, very rare and if you know it's a problem going in, then you are making a significant mistake. If he can get better, let him do it before you get married. What's the rush?<br />
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If you could fully accept his sexlessness and be happy, then I'd say...go for it. But you are hoping he'll change. That's not fair to either of you.<br />
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I also wish you the best and encourage your participation here. The wonderful thing about anonymity is it's hard to get hurt feelings. Be happy dear girl.

How long did you know him before you advanced to a level where you felt you want to spend the rest of your life with him?<br />
Before you came along, he had absolutely no clue about his physical state?<br />
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Every situation is unique, and so is every person. You are 39, have seen life enough and are not at a tender age where you get swayed by rash decisions in matters of relationship. I am sure you are quite discerning. What "if" the treatments don't work? Are you ready to live the rest of your life with him, without sex, ba<x>sed purely on affection, love, bonding, mutual respect? If yes, it is just magical.<br />
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Just take your time in deciding and ensure that you do not take a decision out of sympathy, but as you said, affection, bonding.<br />
Take care.

What you're perceiving as attacks are actually frantic warnings. Many of us here have suffered the pain of sexless marriages for years, and it's heartbreaking to see someone voluntarily choose what we know to be a difficult path. We're shouting 'fire' in a burning building. Try to look past the tone of our collective voice and understand that we're trying to help and protect you. <br />
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I think the comparison to someone who's paralyzed is flawed. ED and low T are real, but ED has a huge psychological component too. Regardless, you've only been together a year and you have serious concerns and guilt about a big issue in your relationship. As a grown woman and a mother, that should be enough to make you slow down and work this out before you go any further. You owe that to yourself, your guy, and your kids. <br />
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Ultimately you'll make decisions that you'll have to live with.  I wish you much wisdom and strength in doing that. 

Read your story through a couple of times. I hope you will hear what us readers heard.<br />
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You left a sexless marriage - you say the sex wasn't the only reason to leave...it never is.<br />
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Now you are here on a sexless marriage board saying that sex isn't important. <br />
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All of us come on this site saying "My relationship is great except for the sex." But, if you want sex and like sex and possibly even need sex, then it is important. I feel as though you are trying to rationalize your decision. <br />
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Your words are clear...sex is very important to you. I'm sure your fiance is a wonderful man, but the sexlessness is a problem and I encourage you to be honest with yourself about that. <br />
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It's much easier to call it quits before you get married than afterward.<br />
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Blessings and clarity to you!

Thank you for your post. As I said in an earlier response, I think that this is perhaps not the right board for my issues. I do appreciate your response, though-it is thoughtful and compassionate. And, for the pain you've suffered, I am sorry. I did go through that in my previous marriage, and it is horrible....in that relationship, though, it was not just sexlessness-it was a complete and lack of affection. My fiancee is extremely affectionate. Only time can tell, and, contrary to what some of the posters (such as the guy who said I need my head examined because if I had my **** together I wouldn't even be in this kind of relationship), I am very introspective, and have given this a great deal of thought. If I didn't believe my man was committed to trying t make me as happy as he can, I would be running in the other direction as some of the posts suggest.
Thank you again for your comments.

Like Gibby, I'm going to have one last effort at helping you.<br />
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You love him; he loves you. He is a good man. Much about your relationship is very good. BUT, when you say it is all fine except for trhe sex you are making a fundamental error that many of us make in the early stages of learning about sexless marriage. The truth is that the absence of sex is the BIGGEST problem, so other problems are more or less hidden behind that.<br />
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THINK about these statements you have made:<br />
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1 "The lack of interest on his part was crushing to me"<br />
And has he done anything to fix the fact that you felt crushed? No. I think if he told you that something YOU were doing was crushing him, you would do anything you possibly could to fix things, wouldn't you? So what does this tell you? It tells you that the fact his behaviour was "crushing" you was not enough to make him take any action . . . . <br />
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2 "I know how destructive a sexless marriage can be to the soul."<br />
You are choosing to believe that, because this guy is so much better and nicer than your first husband, you will not miss the sex. In fact, it will be WORSE! Why? Because you LOVE this guy and love wants to find ways to express itself. In your first marriage, you probably told yourself "I don't want to **** you anyway because you are so nasty to me". But this time you will feel the opposite. You will want to seal your love with intimate sexual relations.<br />
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That is why sex is called (by the Church) the CONSUMMATION of marriage - it consummates the loving relationship ,. . . .<br />
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3 "asked me to think about how he felt-to imagine that he was in a wheelchair, and I kept telling him how much I wished we could take long walks together, knowing there is a physical barrier to that happening."<br />
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Actually, your partner "gets" it. He knows there will be NO sex and he's trying to get you to accept that. You on the other hand are deliberately choosing to think that talking to him will change things eventually . . . it won't. This is who he is.<br />
NEVER marry anyone whom you think you want to change . . . you cannot change another person.<br />
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4 "The last time we talked about it in depth, he seemingly shut down."<br />
Read and re-read MVC's comment - it says exactly what you need to know about this. <br />
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5 ""Wow, not one positive or supportive comment."<br />
You are making a mistake that many people make. You think if people are not agreeing with you, they are "against" you. Not true. <br />
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Ask yourself this question:<br />
"If someone I knew told me they were going to do something that would make them seriously unhappy for the rest of their lives, would I tell them to do it - because that is what they want to hear? Or would I be a better friend and warn them of the dangers ahead?"<br />
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You are not yet forty. You may want children - that is your decision. But in all likelihood you have at least another forty, probably fifty, years of life ahead of you. Choices you make today will bind you for those years. And they will bind him too. How fair is it, do you think, to marry someone who already knows he is a disappointment to you? Can you say nothing about sex for the next fifty years? Can you ensure that when you feel sad, angry, depressed, frustrated you will not let these feelings affect how you behave towards him?<br />
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HE deserves a wife who wants to be with him AND does not want sex. You can only do half of that - is that going to mean that in years to come he will seriously regret marrying you?<br />
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This board does not exist in order to help people remain in their fantasy worlds. It exists to help people see the TRUTH and the REALITY of their actions, decisions and behaviour. You can choose to be an adult and to do these things - or you can choose to be a child and remain living in a fairy tale. The choice is your's.

Thank you for your very well thought out post. I wanted to respond particularly to yours because of the time you took to go through my post, as well as some of the responses, to pull it together for what you want me to see.
What I should probably clarify--and what I thought I'd included in my post but hadn't--is that he has taken action to help remedy this. It is a sadness we SHARE. Some of the language used in these boards speak to a situation different than ours, because I don't perceive him as my "refuser" as I have seen some call their partner. He doesn't refuse me sex-he is having difficulties due to a medical condition. In terms of making a change, taking action on his part-some of the responses I got clearly misunderstood the situation. He has taken action-lots of it. He is being treated for low testosterone, which he didn't discover right away. (from other posts of people dealing with this issue of LowT, the degree to which he has tackled this medical problem is extremely encouraging because it sounds as if some men avoid the issue for a long, long time.) He has been extremely proactive in dealing with the issue, so the comments wherein posters cited him as not doing anything, lacking motivation, not caring to "change," etc., to me were just off the mark. As far as the paralysis analogy goes, I honestly don't think that his point is that there's never going to be sex and he's trying to get that across to me...the context in which the comment was said was that I told him, again, how sad I am over the fact that we can't have sex. He expressed to me that he is sad over that fact, too, that he is very hopeful that his testosteone injections will soon help change that, and that he wishes things could be different. Then he didn't say anything else, and I pressed him-which drew the response about being paralyzed. He was trying to share with me how it made him feel to know that he was making me sad. In other words, he felt powerless over my sadness, an analogy I got.
I perhaps did not get across clearly enough that the sexlessness in our relationship is the product of a physical issue. I DON't think that it is a psychological one, but I DO have a concern that it could be...that is one of the issues I was hoping finding a forum with others dealing with this issue could help address...My concern is that even once the physical issue is better (god willing!) that I am putting an enormous pressure on him to perform, and I want to know how to keep the lines of communication open, let him know how I am feeling, but not make him feel as though our entire relationship is riding on whether or not he can get it up.
I agree with you (or whomever said it) that the lack of sex in an otherwise great relationship does hurt even more. Yes, honestly, there have been some nights, particularly before I knew there was a medical reason, that I felt MORE lonely with him than I did when I was alone-because it felt like, "so close, but yet so far away.." Knowing that there is a physical reason has helped me come to terms with that.
I appreciate what you said about the responses I got coming from a place of support, but in reading them, I don't get that vibe with ALL of them. Re-reading them, after I took a beat and tried to be more objective, I can see that some are indeed coming from a place of concern. But., there were responses in which I was called "insane" for wanting to marrying the man I love despite this issue; and there were several responses that seemed to want to blame him for being selfish, not attending to my needs, and several of the posts were just so extremely negative they were hurtful. Some jumped to conclusions that I didn't think were fair based upon the information I provided.
I think that perhaps this was not the right forum to post in, because it does seem, from reading the posts of the others, that "sexless marriage" really means that the marriage is just in a place of hopelessness and pain. If anyone knows of a forum that deals with the issues in the context of a loving and caring relationship, please I'd appreciate being directed there. I posted on the low testosterone forum after posting here, but haven't gotten any responses yet.
Again, thank you for your response.

It is encouraging to see you are taking the time to think about the answers you are receiving. At this stage I think nothing will stop you from marrying him, so I can only wish you both the greatest of happiness together. Sadly I fear we will see you back on this board (in a year, or three, or ten, saying you simply cannot survive in your marriage any longer. I sincerely hope I'm wrong about this but both pewrsonal experience and statistics suggest it will happen. Good Luck!

Low T-levels is a highly treatable problem and so is ED. Perhaps with a little counseling and a dr visit you can have a healthy sex life. Eventually sexless issue will drive you apart. Fix it before it is too late, even better, fix it before your marriage. Note that men can avoid talking about ED for years, with counseling he may learn to deal with it in a mature way. Make sure your F knows that sex is imprortant to you. He should read stories on this forum as much as yourself.

Thank you for your reply, which is perhaps the only one so far that wasn't hateful. What I was looking for was someone to talk to-or at least commiserate, about a relationship in which everything is good except the sexual issue. I'm hoping you are right about Low T being "highly treatable;" his response so far to the injections has not been spectacular, but given that he had practically 0 testosterone in his system, it may just take some time to level out. To clarify, he does talk about his ED as well as his low T, and we're trying to fix the health issue. It is a serious health problem with implications beyond the low libido. I just need someone to help ME deal with the situation in a mature and caring manner. The last thing I want is the sexless issue to drive us apart---he is my soul mate. Thanks again for your words of support.

My H also has ED and marginal T-levels. I lived in a sexless marriage for many years. Trust me, this issue if not resolved will poison the air in your house. And sooner than you think. With medical help and counseling we were able to get back to a healthy intimate life that is not devoid of sex. Since he suffers from depression perhaps he will consider sex therapy; is he seeing a counselor?

He is not seeing a counselor; we suspect that his depression was actually misdiagnosed because the physical symptoms (and even emotional ones) are very, very similar to those of Low T. Nobody checked his testosterone levels at the time he was put on antidepressants; it was just assumed that depression was the problem. He got a mental bump from the antidepressants, but the other physical problems got worse (the particular antidepressant he was on is notorious for lowering libido. He and I were not together when he first went on it, and there was no sexual partner in his life at the time, so he didn't initially see that side effect as a problem.) I don't know that sex therapy is required yet-he is trying to get his T levels up to a "normal" range. As I think I said somewhere else, he has shown some improvement after starting the injections, but not a marked improvement in libido, from what I can tell.

Wow, not one positive or supportive comment. I'd wondered whether this was the right forum for me, because having read a few of the other user's comments/posts before posting mine, it seemed like there was just SO much negativity and bitterness in here. Understandably so, because all of you seem to be just miserable. I am not. Since you took the time to comment on my post, I am going to address a few of your questions/comments, but then I suppose it will be on to another forum to find support and not judgement. <br />
First, he IS addressing the issue. He had no testosterone in his system when he had his bloodwork done. He goes in once a week for injections. I think I mentioned, he is also exercising more in hopes that will also help his general energy level.<br />
My narrative may have left out some important details-such as the fact that he does stimulate me manually, we do use toys, and, as I believe I said, he kisses and hugs me all the time. He is trying-he is trying very hard and I love him for that, too.<br />
As far as him "shutting down," he hasn't shut down entirely-that was just in the context of that one conversation. We still talk about matters and still communicate over it. The point of that conversation was his comparison to being in a wheelchair--this is a physical malady, not simply a situation of mind over matter. <br />
One of you said that you've had problems with ED and testosterone and still had a healthy sex drive, so clearly that's not all that is going on with him. Unless you are a doctor,you have no business shooting off your mouth with your clearly uninformed opinions. I have researched this issue independently and with F, and although it is rare to be present to the extent it is in his case, it is a very real condition. Indeed, flagging libido is one of the first signs of low T. How dare you sit and judge him. <br />
Many of you suggested I run in the other direction, that I don't get married, that I am in denial, etc. It makes me wonder if perhaps that is why you are all so miserable. I am truly sorry that you are in the situations you are, but I cannot believe how small you people are that you would jump on me and essentially attack me when I am looking for someone to talk to and commiserate with. <br />
Me in denial? One of you even suggested that I insist on an open marriage so that I can have my physical needs satisfied. To each his or her own, I suppose, but what exactly is YOUR idea of intimacy? For me, it is being with and loving ONE person. <br />
I am not in denial (although I am sure some of you clever ones out their will suggest that this is the first thing someone in denial might say). Yes, I was hoping to find a supportive community for people who loved their spouses very much, were actually committed to their marriage and wanted to help foster intimacy in the marriage. What I found was a bunch of bitter a**holes who, honestly, seem to be too self-centered to ever be in a marriage-regardless of the sex issue. Like I said, this is clearly not the forum I was looking for, and I am sorry that you are all so miserable. In light of the topic of this forum, please take me seriously when I tell you to go F*** yourselves.

I read your story and feel for you. Genuinely. But all the loving in the world does not replace intimacy. And all the intimacy in the world, at least from my point of view, does not replace the act that makes you one - intercourse.<br />
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Has F checked into the various remedies for ED? I don't know of them, I have never had to research them, but I know they are out there. And are there testosterone replacement therapies available? I have to think so - I am sure they are given to those who want to be men but are in a woman's body.<br />
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I do think F loves you; I also think F is looking for someone to accept him the way he is and love him back. Perhaps he overcompensates for his "lack". I don't know.<br />
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What I DO know is that sex is important to you. Now, certainly, you can use toys that somewhat imitate him being inside of you - with him as the "holder of the toy". And if he is intimate with you on a regular basis and will do any of the things you need to attain your sexual fulfillment, great. If, however, he allows you to do that on your own, THAT is a huge red flag. Because he is saying, in effect, I love you and I want to be intimate but I can't because of my ED, but oh, not really, that is a convenient excuse, and since I can't "get it up", I don't want to be part of it 'cause it hurts me to not be able to fulfill you.<br />
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I'm glad that you talk - so very important. But like a couple others have suggested, you seem to be planning on marrying a friend.<br />
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My marriage of 20 years has been good, sexually, until the last 3 years...at least that is when I started noticing because with the onset of menopause, my libido turned into high-gear. There is so much more to what we have than sex that leaving him is the absolute last thing I would do. But I have 17+ the unmarried years of really good intimacy and physical love to fall back on. And I have those same years of this man being all that he can be to me, in every way. He is everything to and for me, except sexually, but not because he wants to keep me, and not because we are friends (tho we are) but because we have formed a bond that is inseparable.<br />
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I agree - there is no reason to marry this man. And I believe you should keep your options open. Ask him for an open relationship so that you can seek and find the sexual fulfillment you need.<br />
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And good luck, though very little of this has to do with luck.

Get a tattoo. <br />
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"Sexless 4 lyfe!"

Yeaahh, no. I don't buy that you are happy and looking forward to marrying someone who you know damn well is not going to **** you on any consistent basis. If you were truly happy about it, you wouldn't have sought out a forum to spill your guts about the situation.<br />
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Considering the length of lifespans, you are still quite young. You know how painful a sexless marriage can be, and you are going to knowingly enter another one for potentially another 40-50 years?<br />
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You're insane.

I went and read some of your past posts. I am sorry that it sounds like you are so miserable. I am not insane. I'm sorry things worked out so horribly for you but I wonder whether your inability to believe that I am happy in relationship comes from your own pathetic existence and not from what I wrote. Perhaps you are even jealous to hear that a man can LOVE a woman even if things aren't perfect in the bedroom. I'm insane? It sounds like you are a royal, hot mess. How dare you sit in judgement of me.

Why did you delete my other reply?

Shame on you. As I have already replied, and will do so again, I have indeed been unhappy for quite some time, but that does not mean my husband does not love me. Things have changed because of the sexlessness, and leaving a 26 year relationship is not easy, and yes, it's very scary. I'm not one to make rash decisions, so I am still here working out my plan. I am telling you exactly what everyone else is telling you. It's just that you don't like the way I'm telling you. Stop being a childish brat by trolling my stories.

Okay, but you stop being a miserable hag trying to pull me down to your miserableness. I posted my story, period. I didn't invite responses or comments from you. You want to pretend you are being helpful and not childish, but you called me insane and you have no clue who I am. You are the one who is too scare to leave your marriage. Maybe, just maybe, you resent the fact that I DID leave my first marriage and overcame that fear. My point is you have absolutely no place judging me, calling me a brat, calling me insane, or anything, when your own life is clearly so screwed up. Your posts even indicate your husband doesn't love you-that's where I got that from. Unlike you I don't make stuff up and then jump to conclusions about others.

As I said already, I am telling you the same thing everyone else is. We think, based on experience, that you are headed for much frustration and unhappiness if you marry a nearly sexless man. And no, sorry to break it to you, but I am not jealous of you in any way. You have experience in a sexless marriage also, so you should probably realize that eventually al the other good stuff in the marriage won't make up for lack of sex, if indeed you are a sexual person. I see you changed your user name from "sad girl" to whatever it is now. I think you are the one who isn't facing reality.

I didn't change my name-I don't know where you got that from, but typically, you don't seem to be reading my posts very clearly and reading into it whatever it is you are going through. I think that's called projection. At any rate, I never asked for your opinion. As I said, I don't think you're really in the position to be giving advice considering how screwed up you seem to be.

3 More Responses

You say you're in sexless marriage not a loveless, fine what ever, but in all honesty, you are NOT ok living like this, or you wouldn't bring it up every time you want sex, you want intimacy that he can't give you, and as understanding and caring as he is, he can't change that, you bringing it up constantly is like pouring salt on his open wounds. <br />
Why are you doing this, get out, just because your previous relationship was the opposite and didn't work, doesn't mean you should go in this direction, this wont work either. <br />
Stop torturing the guy, I can almost hear his pain when after talking and talking he finally says " I have nothing new to say", why are you trying to change this so bad, he's not the man for you, accept it now and save the both of you more heart aches.<br />
I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Wear the pain of withdrawing from this relationship now - or wear even more pain later when you have to leave an unsustainable situation.<br />
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I'd suggest that you pay the pain bill NOW, rather than the growing pain debt and interest there-on later.<br />
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But it is entirely your call.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Don't marry this man! Wait until you can have both love and a satisfying sex life. I think you know that this is a bad idea. Sounds like this guy just wants to be friends.

It sounded better the second time I read it, glad you repeated your self lol

Don't marry this man! Wait until you can have both love and a satisfying sex life. I think you know that this is a bad idea. Sounds like this guy just wants to be friends.

Yes. It sounds like he wants to be friends. You can remain friends without marrying each other. Sex is what differentiates a marriage from other types of friends.

With all this talk on this forum about problems over ED, depression, lack of libido, and so on, there is one factor that is rarely, if ever, mentioned; motivation.<br />
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He presumably had that depression and libido issue before you moved in but despite that he found the motivation to at least temporarily overcome them by sheer motivation. But since you made that semi-permanent commitment his motivation has waned. That motivation is important even if you have no countervailing issues and it is so easy to forget that the motivation is an ongoing requirement until effectively death does you separate.<br />
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I would contend that it is his major issue in principle, irrespective of what else he tries to tell not only you but himself. He isn't determined enough, about whatever.

Brown, just don't do it. I think in your heart of hearts you KNOW this isn't going to work - you are just trying very VERY hard to persuade yourself that what you have together is "enough".<br />
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Please believe me when I say it is NOT enough and it will only get worse as you get older. My marriage situation is similar to your's. My first husband was abusive and our relationship was wrong on so many levels. But the sex was great!! (Go figure!) I then married my second husband who sounds a LOT like your guy. And before very long our marriage was almost sexless. For the last thirteen years there was no sex at all. (We were together twenty two years.)<br />
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I finally left my husband (altho I still loved him and he still loved me) at age 57 and am now in the healthiest and happiest relationship of my life (I am now sixty).<br />
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You are currently in a state called "denial" which is very common and does not mean there is anything "wrong" with you. But you certainly DO need to get to a state where you can clearly see what you are so keen to avoid recognising - that this marriage is a mistake.<br />
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Not only is it a mistake for you, it is a mistake for him too. After a time your own resentment, frustration and misery will build up (it may take a few years - or a few months) and you WILL find that affects your relationship. He does not deserve that - and neitrher do you.<br />
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The two of you can remain good and loving friends for life - but you are NOT meant to be marriage partners IMO.<br />
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Please read carefully what Mvc has said - her advice about counselling is spot on. And read, read, read on this forum - stories and forum posts. You really NEED the information here before you make decisions that will affect two people's future lives.<br />
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You already know how painful sexlessness is. CHOOSING to undergo this again is to choose to suffer. No matter how good your husband to be is and how much you love each other, NOTHING will compensate for this,