I Am Getting Closer To The Door

Just and update.  A couple of weeks ago we had a big blow out.  I was out the door but came back.  He knows I am about done.  He tried to get me to say I would never leave him.  I told him I can not make those kind of promises.  I told him exactly how I feel and reminded him that he chose to end our sex life long ago.  I am no longer obligated to accept pity oral sex just so he can feel like he has done his duty.  I told him all that does is shine a light on the gaping hole in our marriage.  He took some money against his 401k to catch up bills.  Didn't really want him to do this as I am not out to screw him out of anything.  But we were behind in bills as he keeps spending and truth be told most of the debt is caused by him.  I am done feeling bad about it.  So I caught everything up and paid off a few things.  That makes it easier for us to live separate and clear up our credit.  I have been looking at apartments online seeing where I would want to and could afford to live.  I also started squirreling away apartment money.  I think I am going to get all my kids important paperwork and mine and put it in a folder and lock it up in a desk drawer at work.  He gets crazier by the day I think.  I hope to have a discussion cry and agree to divorce but can't really see that happening.  More than likely I will leave during one of his melt downs sleep at someones house until I can get an apartment lined up.  But I am trying as hard as I can to get things in order.  I really don't care about material things just want my laptop, clothes and car, and my photo albums.  Problem is I will need some of the furniture to set up an apartment not sure how that will work out.  But if I can not get what I need I will do craigs list for furniture it is not as important as my sanity.  Anything anyone can think of that I am forgetting?  I am letting him have the house if he sells I want my half of the equity.  He can keep his 401k as we have loans against it which come out of his pay check.  Our kids do live home that will be an issue as neither want to stay with him and I can't afford to get a big enough place but they are grown.  My daughter could get a place but tight with all her college loans.  Son is not working fulltime and is immature not sure what he is going to do but he needs to grow up and figure it out.  He takes us for granted anyway and adds to my stress.  If they both moved out my exit would be easy.  Also have issue with animals we have two dogs two cats.  Most apartments only allow two animals.  I will try to take one of the dogs and both cats and leave him his favorite dog.  My son has a husky that will be an issue whether he goes with me or finds someplace to go.  At the moment I only access the bank account online and pay the bills.  We have a joint account both our checks get direct deposited somehow I am going to have to separate the accounts out.  I have the bills set up online but not sure if he logs in as him if he could see that?   He has never paid the bills or grocery shopped in 30 yrs of marriage should be interesting.  When I walked out a couple of weeks ago he was screaming at me "Yeah who is going to fix your car when it needs it?"  I said really you think your mechanical skills is enough reason to stay with your crazy ***?  I am not nice when mad and he heard a lot of hard truths that day.
I think he knows the end is near.  He did try to play like he was going to kill himself but no one reacted we are so tired of his meladrama.  Hope he doesn't go that route as no one would rush to save him as he has cried wolf too many times.  I told him I don't play emotional black mail no more he will do what he needs to do that is on him not me.  He also said if he found out I left him for another man he would kill me.I said whatever either way I am out of this hell.  I am not leaving him for another man I am leaving him for my sanity.
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6 Responses May 5, 2012

You are considering your options. Thus you are formulating an exit strategy. I would recommend you see a good divorce lawyer to at least find out your rights. <br />
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You sound like you control the financial commitments so things should be easier for you on that front. When your ready to move just direct your work to send your paycheck to your new account.<br />
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Finalise your plan and seek out your rights. This way you would be better prepared to face what already is a tough situation.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

It's time to save yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get out asap. You are not responsible for him - what he does or how he behaves. You are also not responsible for your kids or their pets.<br />
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You are responsible for you. You've come a long way and it's time. You'll be amazed at how well everything turns out...just do it.

I will sympathise in the only way I honestly can and say I am ever so glad that I am not in your shoes. Between threatening to kill himself and kill you that is pretty grim even if he is only making noises. Don't be afraid to record some of that **** using a mobile phone, MP3 pla<x>yer or whatever and using a button microphone. It might be useful. Are there any charity groups in your area that can give an hours advice to a woman such as yourself under duress?

One thing that I have noticed is people trying to save money on legal fees on one hand, while on the other, not caring about the money, just wanting out. I suspect this paradoxical goal set comes is from years of living with a manipulative spendthrift. That is what I have seen in other situations that sound like this one anyway. May I suggest getting a lawyer, getting the house and keeping it till the kids are out. Then give him half the equity when you sell. Your misplaced guilt about doing what needs to be done is not your friend. Imo. I wish good things for you and your children.

Yes I totally know about living in someone elses dream house. Its ok and all, but if it was just me in this place I would move.

Oh hun, I wish you all the best, where do you live? maybe we can help with the furniture thing.

I get the vibe, by the question(s) you have raised, that you haven't consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce will shake out for you.<br />
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It would be a real good idea to do that.<br />
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Tread your own path.

It is entirely possible that you might be severely dudding yourself by foregoing legal advice. Reckon it could well be worth your while to reconsider.