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I Am Getting Closer To The Door

Just and update.  A couple of weeks ago we had a big blow out.  I was out the door but came back.  He knows I am about done.  He tried to get me to say I would never leave him.  I told him I can not make those kind of promises.  I told him exactly how I feel and reminded him that he chose to end our sex life long ago.  I am no longer obligated to accept pity oral sex just so he can feel like he has done his duty.  I told him all that does is shine a light on the gaping hole in our marriage.  He took some money against his 401k to catch up bills.  Didn't really want him to do this as I am not out to screw him out of anything.  But we were behind in bills as he keeps spending and truth be told most of the debt is caused by him.  I am done feeling bad about it.  So I caught everything up and paid off a few things.  That makes it easier for us to live separate and clear up our credit.  I have been looking at apartments online seeing where I would want to and could afford to live.  I also started squirreling away apartment money.  I think I am going to get all my kids important paperwork and mine and put it in a folder and lock it up in a desk drawer at work.  He gets crazier by the day I think.  I hope to have a discussion cry and agree to divorce but can't really see that happening.  More than likely I will leave during one of his melt downs sleep at someones house until I can get an apartment lined up.  But I am trying as hard as I can to get things in order.  I really don't care about material things just want my laptop, clothes and car, and my photo albums.  Problem is I will need some of the furniture to set up an apartment not sure how that will work out.  But if I can not get what I need I will do craigs list for furniture it is not as important as my sanity.  Anything anyone can think of that I am forgetting?  I am letting him have the house if he sells I want my half of the equity.  He can keep his 401k as we have loans against it which come out of his pay check.  Our kids do live home that will be an issue as neither want to stay with him and I can't afford to get a big enough place but they are grown.  My daughter could get a place but tight with all her college loans.  Son is not working fulltime and is immature not sure what he is going to do but he needs to grow up and figure it out.  He takes us for granted anyway and adds to my stress.  If they both moved out my exit would be easy.  Also have issue with animals we have two dogs two cats.  Most apartments only allow two animals.  I will try to take one of the dogs and both cats and leave him his favorite dog.  My son has a husky that will be an issue whether he goes with me or finds someplace to go.  At the moment I only access the bank account online and pay the bills.  We have a joint account both our checks get direct deposited somehow I am going to have to separate the accounts out.  I have the bills set up online but not sure if he logs in as him if he could see that?   He has never paid the bills or grocery shopped in 30 yrs of marriage should be interesting.  When I walked out a couple of weeks ago he was screaming at me "Yeah who is going to fix your car when it needs it?"  I said really you think your mechanical skills is enough reason to stay with your crazy ***?  I am not nice when mad and he heard a lot of hard truths that day.
I think he knows the end is near.  He did try to play like he was going to kill himself but no one reacted we are so tired of his meladrama.  Hope he doesn't go that route as no one would rush to save him as he has cried wolf too many times.  I told him I don't play emotional black mail no more he will do what he needs to do that is on him not me.  He also said if he found out I left him for another man he would kill me.I said whatever either way I am out of this hell.  I am not leaving him for another man I am leaving him for my sanity.
sweetnfeisty65 sweetnfeisty65 46-50, F 7 Responses May 5, 2012

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You are considering your options. Thus you are formulating an exit strategy. I would recommend you see a good divorce lawyer to at least find out your rights. <br />
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You sound like you control the financial commitments so things should be easier for you on that front. When your ready to move just direct your work to send your paycheck to your new account.<br />
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Finalise your plan and seek out your rights. This way you would be better prepared to face what already is a tough situation.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

It's time to save yourself. Do whatever you need to do to get out asap. You are not responsible for him - what he does or how he behaves. You are also not responsible for your kids or their pets.<br />
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You are responsible for you. You've come a long way and it's time. You'll be amazed at how well everything turns out...just do it.

I will sympathise in the only way I honestly can and say I am ever so glad that I am not in your shoes. Between threatening to kill himself and kill you that is pretty grim even if he is only making noises. Don't be afraid to record some of that **** using a mobile phone, MP3 pla<x>yer or whatever and using a button microphone. It might be useful. Are there any charity groups in your area that can give an hours advice to a woman such as yourself under duress?

pretty sure it is all drama, but will say threatening to kill himself did make me question leaving for years. I figured his family and my kids would blame me. His psychiatrist said he doubts he would but can't say for sure but either way it is not my problem that is on him. I also talked to my kids when they asked why I haven't left already they are 24 and 28 and they say they would never hold me responsible for his actions. The killing me and the guy is new...but think it was just out of fear when I explained that basically he stopped our sexlife years ago, and now has nothing to offer and putting me in a position to think about how things used to be and how bad they are now just makes it worse for me. His thought is yes I screwed up and didn't care forevery but now after you have fallen out of love with me I have ED I am trying to give you something and if you choose to cheat over excepting my scraps than.......my interpertation not his exact words but close lol

One thing that I have noticed is people trying to save money on legal fees on one hand, while on the other, not caring about the money, just wanting out. I suspect this paradoxical goal set comes is from years of living with a manipulative spendthrift. That is what I have seen in other situations that sound like this one anyway. May I suggest getting a lawyer, getting the house and keeping it till the kids are out. Then give him half the equity when you sell. Your misplaced guilt about doing what needs to be done is not your friend. Imo. I wish good things for you and your children.

I know we will eventually need a lawyer, really there is nothing to get except material positions, tv, furniture ect. We have no real money, I don't expect any kind of support as I work fulltime and make good money. My kids are 24 and 28 so no child support. While keeping the house would be easy because of the kids and animals truthfully I could never afford it. And I never wanted to live out here. We built a big house in the country on 3 acres close to his work far from me. We have a first and second loan and the yard requires lots of mowing and we have to plow our driveway and road. I neither have the time or inclination for any of that plus drive over an hour to work. I really want an apartment to myself close to work so i can enjoy my life. Or rent a small house with fenced yard for animals.

Yes I totally know about living in someone elses dream house. Its ok and all, but if it was just me in this place I would move.

You need legal counsel - immediately.<br />
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-----"He also said if he found out I left him for another man he would kill me."<br />
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This is a threat to be taken seriously. Ensure you tell the lawyer of this threat - this will help the lawyer understand what they are dealing with here.

Oh hun, I wish you all the best, where do you live? maybe we can help with the furniture thing.

Thank you that is so sweet, I am in Missouri but I will work out the furniture thing. Plenty of stuff in the house and if not like I said craigs list, friends and goodwill will get me by until I can get better. I am not a materialistic person. I can even take off work and move out what I want while he is working truth is until we divorce its all half mine.

I get the vibe, by the question(s) you have raised, that you haven't consulted a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce will shake out for you.<br />
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It would be a real good idea to do that.<br />
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Tread your own path.

No I haven't. Honestly I was hoping to save legal fees and just have someone help us. There is no custody issues as my kids are grown. I expect no financial support from him. And the vehicles are paid off he has his I have mine. I will have everything paid off but the house and one bill which I will happily pay half of or default on depending on his attitude. My problem is we got a loan modification on the house so to get it out of my name he would have to refinance so the house payment would go up. He will barely be able to afford it as it is unless he takes on a boarder but it is a big house. I would be willing to let him keep it in both names for a year to repair his credit than refinance as long as I have an apartment. If he defaults on the house I will just have to claim bankrupcy I guess and like I said if he sells I would like half the equity up to this point anyway if he sells after 5 yrs he can keep the equity.

It is entirely possible that you might be severely dudding yourself by foregoing legal advice. Reckon it could well be worth your while to reconsider.