All I Get From My Wife Is "your Not Getting Any"

I feel absolutely alone. I try to have sex with my wife and she usually replies with "your not getting any". We have been married for almost 16 years. We have two children age 14 and 5. I am 36 she is 38. When we were younger it was about twice a month (not even close to what I would like) I figured it would get better. Now in the last two years we have had sex four times. And when we do it truly sucks, no foreplay, no kissing no caressing no touching and absolutely no oral sex. We are in good shape physically so no medical problems. I feel so alone and resentful towards her. She has every excuse in the world why she doesn't feel like having sex. The last time we had sex she told me we have eight minutes, turned out she only wanted four minutes of sex. I have not (trying not to be to explicit here) ********** while having sex with my wife for about two and a half years, she always says she's good and then she says were done. We have argued about this a lot and she always says if I cleaned up more I'd "get some" I do need to do more housework, but its not as if I'm leaving a landfill lying around. I try and talk to her about it but she just yells over me and then starts to cry like I am attacking her. I thought it would get better but its only gotten worse. It's affected me so much that I get mad at the tv shows or movies that always portray the man as not wanting sex. I fear we will get a divorce and that's not what I want, j just want ti have some great sex with my wife.
peter341griffin peter341griffin
36-40
10 Responses May 5, 2012

I stopped reading after the "she says were done and she good"<br />
I'm sorry but what a *****!<br />
Why even bother, you leave feeling worse and with blue balls, i'm repulsed by her behavior.<br />
And you could clean till her little hearts content, you'd still get none.<br />
Sorry

You are dealing with a Master Manipulator. Classic response, in her trying to manipulate you with "If you cleaned up more you would get some". I truly dont believe this to be true. <br />
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Refusers use any excuse that suits them. In this case its the "you dont clean up enough" Even if you kept the house sparkling clean, did the laundry, ironing, vacuming, mopping, etc i would bet you still "Wont Be Getting None". There will most likely be a new excuse for why you ain't getting any. And hypothetically even if there was some truth, to her reasons of why "You Aint Getting None", which i do not believe she is resulting to manipulation and bribery towards you in forcing you to jump through her hoops and carry out her wishes, like some sort of circus dog. What she is doing is cruel.<br />
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I think you would be best served to seek out some legal advice and see where you stand regarding your rights on a divorce.<br />
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I understand your resentment of her. Once you find out your rights you might be in a better position to ***** things and take action. You might then decide to draw up the bill for her actions and hand it to her.<br />
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Alternatively if you choose to stay you need to take action and take back control. You cant control her but you can certainly control your destiny. <br />
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Either way the choices you face wont be easy.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Well I went the cheating route, and yes it felt beyond great. Now after getting busted I'm left with negative nothing and a sh*tload of counseling sessions,and now the only thing cuddling me at night is one of many self help books I've been assigned to read.<br />
I've learned two things from my SM. 1. Don't get caught cheating. 2. Sometimes not knowing so much about mental health is a good thing. I feel like I married a fraud.

You hit the nail on the head!

Refusers love to blame the lack of sex on the refused. It is SOP - Standard Operating Procedure. The blame game only makes things worse and the more you try to talk, the more everyone shuts down.<br />
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Unfortunately, I can't offer any magic pill that will fix your situation. If there was a magic pill, we would have all paid very good money to get it.<br />
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She is shut down for some reason and if you turned into Martha Stewart, it wouldn't be enough. At this point, her reasons don't matter anyway unless SHE'S willing to work on them for herself. It sounds as if the problem has been part of your relationship from the beginning. She brought her particular issues to the marriage just as you did. <br />
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The key to your happiness rests with you. Start telling her the truth - "I want intimacy with my wife and if we can't work on it, then I'm done." This type of ultimatum might prompt her to seek help. It worked for me. My H who flatly refused therapy for many years was quite motivated when I told him I was done. <br />
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So, a very iimportant step in your journey is to decide what YOU want the marriage to include and tell your W it's a deal breaker if those items aren't present. Of course, you must prepare yourself for her response which may be , "Fine."<br />
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It's a tough road, but I can tell you now that I'm almost to some resolution, the landscape looks much better from here.

I last had sex with my husband about 5 years ago on holiday. Since then we had sex one night when he was drunk and said to me "come here I want to feel your t****" I was so shocked that I froze. I lasted about 3 minutes. Since then , nothing. I hate this. I have a 6 year old, I can't just walk for her sake but if I could I would. I have decided that if this marriage isn't mended, at the end of October I'm taking my daughter and leaving. Don't stop where you're unhappy! Leave if you can!! Love and hugs xxx

I wrote this a while ago in response to another story here. Reading your story, I had the same feeling that this could be where I was when I was your age. Maybe you'll see something here that helps in some way. <br />
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This is from April 9, 2012 in response to another post. <br />
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I may have had a few good years at the beginning, so long ago now that I'm not even sure what I mean by that but I don't remember being hysterical in the first few years of marriage because of the lack of sex so I think it was probably good for a while. I seem to be about 20 years older than you. Married in 1970, two kids born in the mid 70's. When more and more and more of my attempts for intimacy were rejected - touching was met with a stiffening of her body and a "no, go to sleep", I attributed it to the fact that the boys were growing up a little and their bedroom was a little too close. I believed that for a few years until one day when the boys were 10 and 8. It was a Saturday in the summer. The 10 year old had been invited to a sleep-over at a friends house that night. I remember that day so clearly. I was thinking, "now we only have to get rid of the 8 year old." In the early afternoon, he came to tell us that he had been invited to stay over at a friend's house, too. I was so excited. That was the best news I had ever heard. I was sure that this was the moment that my wife and I were both looking for.<br />
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I can still see the scene and it still hurts. My wife turned to our younger son and she said, "No, you can't go. The notice was too short. We need to know in advance."<br />
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What? We needed more notice before we could put the kid's pajamas and toothbrush in a bag and drop him off somewhere? That was when I realized that she and I didn't want the same thing. She knew that I would think that we would have a night of love and sex and cuddling and she wanted to prevent that.<br />
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I spent several more years trying for intimacy. We had sex an average of 12 times per year from 1985 through 1993, then it dropped to 6 times per year (with 300 or more rejections each year) from 1994 through 2002. Of course, by this time, I knew it didn't matter where the boys were but the latter period included their college years and grad school and moving away.<br />
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Aside from frequency (or lack thereof), over the years she removed parts of our sexual ex<x>pression from the approved activities list. Without being too graphic, something tasted bitter once so she was never going to do that again. Then she blamed me for giving her a yeast infection - I looked it up in medical literature and couldn't find any evidence to support that contention - but I wasn't going to allowed to ever do that again. I guess I once had a fingernail that scratched her so there was another prohibited activity. Then, she complained that when I touched a part of her body (that I enjoyed immensely) she felt a tickle instead of a more pleasurable sensation so I was no longer allowed to touch that area. So, with 300+ attempts each year I was allowed to have intercourse with her 6 times, as long as I didn't touch or lick anything.<br />
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I finally decided that it wasn't worth the effort since it was just leaving me bitter and angry and I started seeing her as just a roommate. I no longer found her attractive (although I can see that she still really is) and I completely stopped thinking of her in a sexual way.<br />
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At the end of 2001, I was beginning to develop an emotional bond with a woman at work. I think that helped me realize that I no longer had any emotional bond at home. My moment of clarity might never have come without finding what I found with someone else. At first, she and I didn't think our relationship would become sexual but, eventually it did. It's now a little over 10 years since that first time that we went off together to be alone.<br />
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Last two times for sex in the marriage were September 20, 2003 and July 26, 2005. Other than those occasions, there's no touching, no holding, not a kiss. We never discuss love or sex and because I've stopped begging and don't get rejected, there's no anger, no frustration, no harsh words between us. I wait until she's asleep before I go up to bed and I almost always get up first. We take care of the house, see our kids and grandchildren, see some friends and that's all. Occasionally, on my way out of the bedroom, I look back at my sleeping roommate and I have a moment of sadness that this is not where I will have the love and affection that I need but that passes and I go on with life as it is, not what I wanted but as it is.<br />
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Later today, my lover and I will make our 435th trip to a motel. We'll spend three hours together and I'll get back here in time to make the house look lived in before my roommate gets home.<br />
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I'm not sure why I wrote this but since I have written this, I'll post it.<br />
Maybe this isn't the path that you're on. Seeing where I ended up, maybe you can avoid it or embrace it, as you wish. I wish you well.

Great points in the comments here. I'd also add:<br />
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Read the stories in this place. You won't believe it...and then you will. Then you prepare yourself for the road ahead. Exit plan. Lawyer consult. Then, <br />
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You tell her what's up. She either becomes a full partner or you are gone. The trick is you have to mean it. This is called "the talk." It rarely works, but you need to know that you've made the severity of your needs very clear.

There is no context for your story, whether there was ever good sex or not either before marriage or shortly thereafter. It does matter as far as advancing your understanding of the situation is concerned as I am sure you know.<br />
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It does appear that as of now your wife is not a sex person whether she has always been a non-sex person or not. She also has very little liking for you for whatever reason. It is hard to believe that is solely because you don't do enough domestic tasks around the house, there is more to it than that.<br />
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You say you want to have great sex with your wife rather than to make love to your wife. That is a bit of a shaky cliché, but there is still probably enough of a truth in it for it to be of a concern. Maybe your wife just thinks you want to have sex and whether it is with her or anyone is but a mere detail. Maybe you don't like the sound of that but if she thinks that way then that is a problem.

What don't you believe about "you are not getting any"? When people tell you who they are believe them! This woman is using hostility to keep her body away from yours, she is fighting contact with you tooth and nail. Is this how someone who loves you treats you?

Yes! Take her at her word.

You just want some great sex with your wife.<br />
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Yet from your story the two things "wife" and "great sex" are mutually exclusive. There is no factual link between the two.<br />
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So you'd figure that any "great sex" in your life is going to involve a person other than your wife. But you are married.<br />
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Your choices.<br />
1 - bust the marriage vows and cheat. Probable consequence = you getting caught and that precipitating a divorce at her instigation.<br />
2 - bust the marriage. Same consequence as above, but YOU drive the process.<br />
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It would seem that you consulting with a lawyer in your jurisdiction would be really wise, to see how a divorce would shake for you. From this knowledge you will establish that such a move is do-able, or it will drive you back into continued misery if it all looks "too hard". But at least you'll KNOW if that is a viable option for you or not.<br />
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In your future sex life - if any - you can discount your missus as being an enthusiastic participant. She is out of that picture.<br />
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Tread your own path.