Selfishness, Codependence, Insecurity, Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

I started reading here 18 months ago. 12 months ago I joined and wrote my first story. I've learned a lot since then and I have gained a ton of confidence. I realize that I married a poodle when what I really wanted was a hunting dog. I realize that good deeds will not earn you a desiress spouse. I realize that neediness and jealousy is not a sign of love but a sign of insecurity. I realize that I was enableing a codependent relationship and that I was always optimistic and definitely gave her the benefit of the doubt.
now a lot has changed. I changed jobs and got a promotion in the last 12 months, after spending the previous 9 years in the same job. that helps my confidence because I actually felt appreciated somewhere. I met new people I did a great job, I felt successful. How did this make her feel? Insecure, not sure, slightly out of control.

I realized that I use to tbe scared of her. Yeah scared. Scared of not doing something she wanted, or spending money in a way that she didn't want to. I hid things from her because I never felt like she really wanted me so I can't tell her "THIS" (whatever this is) because she will react poorly and that will make things even tougher. Also all the guilt she would pour on would make me feel like everything was my fault. I hid me to win her approval.

That was my biggest realization over the last year. The other huge realization is that I can't change her! This is who she is and I can't change it.

Here is what makes me mad though. She doesn't make any changes to try to keep me happy. she only put effort in when she realizes have 1 foot out the door. Tell me, who is that effort for? It sure as hell isn't for me! At that point it just looks self serving, it looks like she is trying to preserve her perfect little life! Lately she has been pouring the guilt on me because I've been withdrawn....I just laughed inside because I realize that no matter what hoops I jump through, what things I try it will never make sure desire me.
everything is much clearer now, after 18 months of reading stories and 12 months after writing my first story. The choice is mine.....I have small kids or would be done already.....I am still navigating that part.
I love you all, thank you for an enlightening year!
31-35, M
8 Responses May 6, 2012

Is it not possible that you're a hunting dog behaving like a poodle?

That is entirely my analogy it simply means a hunting dog enjoys the hunt (sex) and the poodle does not..(would rather mope around the house)

So the conclusion is..... whatever happens, don't submit to that horrible coiffure.

"I married a poodle when what I really wanted was a hunting dog" LOL that's horrible, and awesome. Looks like you have a lot of work ahead of you still but it's inspiring to hear that some of us are figuring our sh*t out with the subtle reminder that it does take time for that to happen. Thx for the post!

Making different choices to those which have been proven to not work WILL shift the marital dynamic.<br />
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It usually takes a little while to see "where" the dynamic shifts to.<br />
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Your signposts seem pretty clear.<br />
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Tread your own path.


Good for you. I take my hat off to you. You have managed to describe your situation in a way that most here can relate too. It felt that you were telling my story.<br />
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You have managed to outsmart a manipulator and things seem to be working out for you. Stick to your guns and dont give in. Either she will change or you will grow the confidence to leave.<br />
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In time you will soon work out if she is genuine in changing or putting up an act so her perfect little world doesn't come crashing down.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Congratulations! It sounds like there has been growth on your part. Wish you all the best in the future!

Do yourself a favour and try not to be too mad. You are married to someone who can't manage their own behaviour alone, never mind the further complications involved in being married to someone. The anger will only deflect you from your course, your purpose. Try to park it in an appropriate place and get on with improving you and your situation. That is all you can do and that is all that is worthwhile.

That is really good advice. If I could let go of some of the anger it would save me a ton of energy.

Anger is fine - IF - you use it as a signal that action is required. If left to stew, it festers you.

Some time ago Baz would often tell people "it is a process". He started doing this because so many people would simply advise "Leave!" - and that advice is too harsh and too soon for most posters when they first start their journey in ILIASM.<br />
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As you have so rightly pointed out, the process of learning about sexless marriage and understanding how this affects you is not one that happens overnight. It takes time to move from the "everything is great bar the sex" position (that most of us have on entering ILIASM) to a position of seeing things as they truly are.<br />
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Your ability to recognise how your behaviour was also part of the problem is a HUGE sign for the the good of your future, IMO. I truly believe that those people here who can recognise and understand how they have played a part in the dynamic are the ones with the very BEST chances of making a new and satisfactory life for themselves when the time comes!<br />
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Every best wish for the rest of your journey - you time IS coming!!