15 Questions...what's The Answer? [What am I missing]

These are the questions and concerns of a genuinely caring person:
A:
1. Will she break down?
2. Does she see it coming?
3. What will she do next?
4. Will she be better off?
5. Will she be a better person?
B:
1. Will I be able to live alone? (I’ve never really been alone before)
2. Can I manage on my own?
3. What if she goes crazy and starts accusing me of things that are not true?
4. What will my family think?
5. Do I delete her and her family from my Facebook?
(yeah, that one seems dumb, but in all actuality, Facebook is the way most of us connect with people we don’t see on a daily basis)
C:
1. When do I break the news to her?
2. Do I tell her at home or in public?
3. Who should be watching our son at that time? (My mom is pretty much the ONLY babysitter we have, her family is insane…you’ll see in a second)
4. Who leaves? Her or Me?
5. What if I want her to leave and she doesn’t? (or vise a versa)


So I’m scared…but I’m ready. Our lease is up, we are now going month-to-month and that tie is gone. Our student loans, well they’re up there. Hers are more than double what mine are, yet I make more than double than her. Will I be stuck with ALL the debt? I know that some of these questions seem dumb, but they are what they are. What I’m really worried about is, what am I forgetting? I know I missing something. I’m not concerned about custody of our son, I would think she would be reasonable and rational, I would consider 50/50 the right way to go. Of course writing that makes me think otherwise, reasonable is probably out of the question once divorce is out there. There are soooooo many what’s and a whole lot of worries. Let’s nit pick…

So here is the story…
Her mother is a narcissist, not in the “I look in a mirror all day” way, in the psycho way…seriously, this is a real issue. (Google it, really it will blow your mind the way these people are). Now, I’m starting to see some of the same traits. Not only that, but the lengths this woman will go to in order to “win” insane. Example, she took 2 kids away from her other daughter (in court) because she gained control of her own finances. (This is a game for keeps, I am not even kidding). However, I can play that game if I have to, I know enough about some ‘shady’ dealings that could at least make things amicable. (You really have to fight fire with fire with this one). So, my wife, she’ll use this crutch she doesn’t want to…to destroy me. Then again, probably not. I don’t know to be honest, my wife is trying to be free of this control, with a little prodding from this side. But to be even MORE honest, if I had to fight a legal battle, of course I’d want the nastiest boxer on my side to do all the dirty work.

This is not a mother-in-law bashing post… Anyway, there are signs from the ‘future’ about what I could be dealing with. Again with the mother-in-law, divorced (I think4 times, maybe as much as 6 but she isn’t completely honest about all of this), which tells me this is what the example has been. Now, my parents too were divorced when I was a kid, things happen. I’m just worried that ‘she’ will turn out just like her mom. (dangerous words) My concern is that when I do this, I want it to be reasonable, not illogical. I don’t want fighting. I’m willing to bend on what needs to be, and I want to be fair about dividing what needs to be divided. Property, easy (If I don’t get what I want that I think is mine, I’ll be pissed…but guess what… I have a job, I can buy it again), my only real concern is the 50/50 custody. I don’t want to keep my son from his mom, and I don’t think she would want to keep him from me…but you just never know, really. I could be a better dad…sure, and she could be a better mom; but the fact of the matter is that our son will never have a better mom or a better dad than what he’s got *(no offense to any of you, I just know that I am a better dad to my son than anyone else in the whole world could be, that term unconditional love, well that’s for the birds, my son is EVERYTHING to me…[there is another story behind this too])…

So, back to the story, (I know I write too much)… I don’t know how to deal with my questions…have any of you been able to answer those?
inmytime inmytime
31-35, M
3 Responses May 7, 2012

Go with what is in your heart, the rest is details, most of which can be corrected after the fact, or will abate with time, or will never actually ripen into the sort of grave concern you envision at present. An unquiet heart will dog you for the rest of your days. Do not get bogged down in the minutiae. I will bet you did not apply anywhere near this rigorous an analysis to the decision to get married in the first place or have kids. Those are the kind of life-altering decisions that one would never choose after trying to work out all of possible outcomes and permutations on paper first - this one is no different.

There is a key element missing in your story, namely, what your lawyer said in response to these questions you raised that involve matters of fact.<br />
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And the ones raised about various personal reactions to the circumstance are unaswerable, as they involve people, and people are notoriously complex creatures.<br />
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Anyway, as a guideline, take what your lawyer says as gospel as regards the facts.<br />
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With the human element, make your own best guess (you know them) and assume worst case scenarios. (They are highly - I stress HIGHLY - unlikely to be as bad as you anticipate, but they'll be bad enough)<br />
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And, if you haven't actually seen a lawyer yet, do it.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Yes...I can answer my own question... "Print this out, take it to a lawyer"... <br />
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............... Yeah... I know....<br />
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....but what else? Guess maybe that's the question...