What Would Make You Refuse?

I started thinking...what would make me refuse? So, I thought of a few things:

- If I have the flu. Well...if we both had the flu that would be ok.
- If I were exhausted...wait...never actually been too tired for sex.
- If I am already sleeping...er, um, well, actually I could wake up out of the deepest sleep and go for it.
- If we were fighting...mmm, scratch that, no, I'd still be game.
- If you cheated on me...wait no, I'd be quick to reclaim my territory. Unless you caught an std while cheating on me. Then you're out.
- If you were really stinky...mmm depends on the kind of stink.
- If you ignored me all the time and only talked to me when you wanted sex? I'd still be up for it, but that would get old fast.
- If I had recent surgery...oh, wait...been there...and I had sex. Yes, it was painful...but I'll never forget it, I don't regret it!
- If we were in public...well...so long as no one is around, why not?
- If you were a total b*tch for reasons of your own, and by some strange twist of sexuality, you still wanted me? Yep, I'm game.

And some true refusal generators:

- If I was driving at the time. Yeah, no sex while driving.
- If I was working. Yeah, I'm a school teacher. Some things you can do in an office that you can't in a school. Sorry hon.
- If you were REALLY drunk. Kinda drunk, sure. Puke drunk? Pass.
- If you were using IV drugs. And unless you are supermodel hot, any drugs, even pot. So, if you want to do drugs and still want me, you have to only be smoking pot AND you have to be super hot.
- If we already had sex three times in the course of an afternoon. That is enough for me and after that it is not really all that fun.

That is all I can think of. Oh wait one more...

- If you refused me 80% of the time for years, then turned into a total refusing badger for four months, would not sleep in the same bed, etc...And the reset sex didn't actually reset anything...

Then you get none. Because I am leaving your ***.
FilteringMachine FilteringMachine
31-35, M
11 Responses May 7, 2012

As soon as I figure out why my husband refuses me everything- conversation, intimacy... I will let you know. Until then a part of me dies everyday. I am afraid that soon I will have nothing left to give anyone.

Hi lonly,

Be strong. I know this is impossible - but try to lessen the importance of the 'why.' I about cracked up trying to give more and more and more...it is a losing battle.

I did try to give up on the why and i still get rejected. I really think it is too late. In order to have a relationship of any type two people need to be involved and he shows no interest in being involved. I hope everything works out for you. People deserved to be loved and feel secure in their lives. Unfortunately I am unable to find that with my husband.

Take time to read the many post here. It will NEVER give you a why because refusers don't even know themselves. Any reason they do give is just another in a long line of excuses. It is called self deluision. But at least you can make an informed decision as to what action to take. Be it stay or go at least you will know what you are dealing with.

Best of Luck
NSH :-)

Aaah f@*k it you make A point male or female sex is part of A marriage if you can't get it then what is wrong.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch.<br />
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I was a refuser in the last years of my marriage.<br />
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It was a deliberate (and theoretical !!) position I took to reclaim my own sexual autonomy. I figured that if there was to be no sex, then I'd make that call for myself, rather than her make it for me.<br />
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As I say, it was largely theoretical, because I got no chance to "refuse" because I never got an invite during that period. Bar once. I only ever had to refuse once over those last few years.<br />
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My reasons were to take control and responsibility for my own life, rather than have my refusive spouse run it for me.<br />
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Tread your own path, and "hi" Destiny.

Filter, all valid points you make. Unfortunately at the end of the day the reasons for rufusal do not really matter.<br />
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Stay Strong

Filter, good post and very amusing … BUT, whadda ya mean no sex while driving? You never had a BJ while in rush-hour traffic?

mmmm...no. Did once get one once while driving...while memorable, it was not exactly something to write home about.

Come on folks! We aren't supposed to text while driving but somehow manage to drive safely and ****** while driving!?!? WITH all the idiots texting and driving on the roads at the same time??? I prefer to live to experience the next ******, thanks. :)

Lets see. If my STBX were to drop on her knees naked & BEGGED to give me a BJ & promising the hottest night of my life then maybe I would give in....<br />
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Naaaaaaa...... I would still say NO!! Besides I met somebody who does that better...HA!!!!<br />
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Bang Away<br />
NSH :-)

FM<br />
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You present a very pragmatic approach to sex. I guess there is nothing wrong with that. However, I am sure you can easily recognise that not every one will feel that way. Does that make it illegitimate? VB and others talk about sex people being attracted to other sex people. It would seem that he has arrived at that point and is happy. Lore would have it that men are sex people and women are not but the stories portrayed here suggest that is sheer nonsense unless there are a lot of blokes masquerading as women for whatever bizarre reason. The problem is how do you get over the notion to the opposite sex that you are a hornball but not just a hornball without it all seeming somewhat tacky and unseemly? Even on websites like Illicit Encounters or Ashley Madison most people are circumspect if not downright coy about what they are looking for, e.g. "I am not interested in one night stands". Well does that mean you are into sex, not into sex or sort of into sex under certain circumstances. And when do you reveal your 'true' self?<br />
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As an aside, I suspect your dignity could launch a surprise attack on your horny self and reject an offer for sex in a lot more situations than you have conceded in your post. In fact, if I remember right, it already has? Nothing wrong with that, is there?

I would not say a no one night stand stance is coy. I love sex. But I don't want a one night stand with someone I don't know...ickky.

Hmmm, I suppose that is true. Dignity is important, you have to have respect for yourself.

- I do get occasional migraines 2-3x a year. They make me feel dizzy and nauseous for a few hours. Probably not the best time to feel the motion of the ocean. What calms them most is a hot bath in total darkness and after that I am usually good to go. <br />
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- I have been too tired for sex, but tired mostly because I've already had it one or more times that day. There's just only so much even I can muster sometimes. <br />
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- Conjugal visits because you are in prison. Not going to happen. <br />
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- while sharing a hotel room with a third party. Well, while sharing a room with my grandmother as a third party. I've messed around while a third party was slumbering peacefully in my past and it was quietly stupendous. But not with my grandmother or parents, that's just weird. <br />
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- my body doesn't respond as quickly in the morning as during the day or evening but with a little bit of effort/interest I can have a fantastic time no matter morning noon or night. In general I am not a morning person.<br />
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- If I no longer trust you on a basic level. If that's the case then the relationship should end because it is over and that is why sex shouldn't happen. <br />
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- Sex is a high risk because of std and so on. That is a given I think for most people.<br />
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- I expect that for some reasonable amount of time (weeks not months or years) after childbirth, sex would be off the table as hormones settle down, the body heals and sleep deprivation gets sorted out. <br />
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- abuse. Towards anyone. After the other day I realized I was physically turned off towards ex-loverboy when he was verbally abusive to that woman. Apparently after my abusive marriage that **** makes my panties cling to me like superglue.<br />
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As for your lists:<br />
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- at work... Having been a teacher also that is a line that shouldn't be crossed. However there is a place for flirtation within that setting that can be foreplay.<br />
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- public... Semi-public, discreet not a problem. The middle of a busy mall food court is out of the question for the simple fact that I don't like conjugal visits. <br />
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- No sex while driving. But while the car is parked is fair game - hood of the car is doable but see public places for stipulations. <br />
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- if we are fighting and it's gotten worse than a disagreement with yelling or disrespect. That abuse thing is really a big one for me now.

Never thought about the prison scenario. Yeah...if you are in prison the relationship is going to take a serious downturn!

Unfortunately I had a flirtation with a guy about a decade ago that later went to prison. Charges were pending when I knew him and when I found out the reason I suddenly was extremely uninterested. Dodged a freaking bullet on that one. He was wrongfully convicted and it was overturned and he is free now but not before serving 6 years at Fort Stockton.

Almost lost my front teeth in car with my H. when the back hatch decided to close as we were kissing, had his eyes been shut I'd be ******, explain that to my parents.

Nope, I'm 2000 miles away from my stbx, so no sex for me! It doesn't hurt so bad when she isn't around to reject you!

Are you answering your own posts now ? LOL

I was answering 'inmytime's question...I just put it in the wrong spot.

You know there is really no valid reasons, when you want something you WANT it, and thats just it.<br />
My H suffers from migraines and when they get really bad he lays in the dark and tryes to sleep it off and he is crankyyyyyyyyyy, but I have given him Bjs before and we had sex, so know when he says I have a head ache I say "what ever" but I know thats not it.<br />
So what ever.....in this case the "why" doesn't console me.

I think there are valid reasons...headache? Depends on the kind. A sleep deprivation headache is made a million times worse by any intense physical activity...all other headaches I've ever had would not deter me.

That is why I mentioned the gravity of his migraine and that didn't deter him sometimes, not when they got really really bad. And either way I say it's BS, I have never said no, EVER. EVER!!!!

Yeah. That's about it. Especially the 80%... are we living parallel lives in the same universe? Of course, I have said it before, my success rate has never been higher (by average) than about 5%. But did I read that right? Did you just have sex? (And it wasn't good, or good enough to keep you hanging on anymore?)