Why Do Refusers Put Up The Good Fight?

Every couple of weeks in therapy I hear the same thing, I do love you, I dont know why, I want to be with you, we are going to talk this out when we get home. I want you, all of it empty bulls*t week after week. Does he say this stuff to make himself feel better? Why do they do this...why do they make it look like they care in front of everybody but you? It's sadistic...and its killing me.
I learn today that in one year I've gained thirty pounds. Is is right to blame that sexless man of mine? Yes I think so! Why does he insist on holding on to me when he never wants to be with me! Wouldnt it be easier for them to go be sexless with all the other detached perverts of the world and leave people like me to heal and carry on.
Sorry...its been a long day and I wanted to vent.
TN76 TN76
36-40, F
8 Responses May 7, 2012

It's not a good fight. It's a down in the dirt rolling in the gutter fight. My husband insists he wants to stay married - but doesn't seem to care about ME. I suspect he just wants to keep seeing his son on easy terms (my son is a handful!) and someone he can blather on to.

zsuz.....my refuser sits in his big chair all day watching tv and trolling on p/c for the last 3 and half years. <br />
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i cant even get him to walk around the block or walk out to the patio for fresh air .... <br />
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it took me 5 weeks to get him to look at the lawn mower, which turned out to be only a 5 min job .... he is nothing but....TICK TALK - TICK TALK

when i stopped listening to his words and started listening to his actions, i finally saw the truth.<br />
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yes i have heard all of this too, for almost a decade. with no positive change. <br />
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listen to his ACTIONS hon.

zsuz amen!

That is a very excellent question, I wish I knew the answer.

I hear you. Can write the same story. Can validate every thought. And I am just starting to understand my own *whys*, as bazzar speaks of above. <br />
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I haven't got the answers, but you're not alone.

You have taken a pretty full inventory of your intimacy averse spouse.<br />
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Comes a time when we want to move things along that we need to take our own inventory.<br />
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Whereas his "why" he is intimacy averse appears to be unknown and probably unknowable, how about your "why" ? "Why" you have stayed.<br />
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You might get a lot more mileage out of examining that "why" rather than his.<br />
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Tread your own path.

The same reason for most bad behavior: because they can!

They fight because they can't lose. I had exactly the same scenrio. I wish I could tell you it will change, I heard it over and over and over and over. It hurt, it hurts. You need to write, and think about this for yourself.