Dead Inside

I don't know where to start, because it all feels so complicated and involved. I am a 41 yr old woman, who has been married for 22 years (if you do the math you will see that I got married at 18..he was 20). We were both too young and totally inexperienced when we got married and our sex life was good. It didn't take many years though before I started noticing my husband's obsession with ****. As time went on we came to the place where he would leave me ready and willing in bed, to go into the other room to ********** to online ****. I was angry and I was hurt and I felt rejected. This is a man who has never been super sexual with me...but it seemed like he had this whole other side of him that was super sexual. I have never turned him down...regardless of what he wanted to try, but it has always felt like sex was a burden to him. I blamed myself..I had gained weight, but he swore it wasn't me....said he just couldn't see me as a sexual being because I was his wife. For a while he tried to turn things around, and the marriage and sex got better for a bit. 4 years ago he had a bad bout with kidney stones and had to have surgery. Afterwards he had some issues with impotency for a few months and even now that the problems have stopped...he has totally lost interest. He has no desire to flirt...to play with me, and I have stopped feeling like a real woman. He has never given me physical compliments, but these days he is not turned on by anything I wear or do. I have just stopped trying, and begun to lose interest in him as well. I don't want things to be like this...but he doesn't want to acknowledge them. I am lost and feel numb.
Windyq Windyq
36-40, F
11 Responses May 7, 2012

"....said he just couldn't see me as a sexual being because I was his wife."<br />
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Long ago there was something call a "Madonna-*****" complex. Man sees his wife as a pure and good girl, but he can only have sex with filthy bad girls. I believe it's treatable.<br />
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Talk to an MFCC or Psychologist to help you resolve what you need to do.

Maybe I should clarify a bit. The **** issues have been over for some time. We went to counseling, and worked that issue out. The weight I had gained is long since gone..I am a professional ballet instructor, in class about 20 hours a week, in good shape though certainly not as tight as I was in my 20s. If I were to get a divorce suddenly there isn't much I would do differently...I am not a stunning woman, but I keep myself up well. Hair is styled, nails are done ect ect. <br />
Our sex life has never been fantastic..I was a virgin before him and he had very little experience..I am sure that weighs into the equation. He is no longer interested in sex period...with anyone it would seem. He has been to the doctor, the shrink...there have been no improvements in his lack of libido. He no longer wants to discuss it because it makes him feel like a failure...I don't see how we can NOT discuss it.

"I had gained weight, but he swore it wasn't me....said he just couldn't see me as a sexual being because I was his wife."<br />
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It sounds pretty clear that he doesn't find you sexually attractive any more. But he's avoiding saying so directly to you. No doubt to spare your feelings. I'd be willing to bet that even if he wasn't looking at ****, you'd have the same issues.<br />
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I can think of several cases of married female friends, who I would consider to only be marginally attractive, suddenly became stunning after getting a divorce. Its amazing how marriage can breed complacency. Giving up is easy, and both partners can fall into the same trap.<br />
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So ask yourself this question. If you were suddenly single tomorrow, what would you do differently? Would you improve your wardrobe? Perhaps get a new hairstyle? Would you eat healthier and exercise more? Maybe you'd take up some new interesting hobbies.<br />
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OK, so forget your husband. Why not just do those things right now to be happy? You may find that as a real and interesting person, you can compete with a fantasy. Married or not, you have to continuously work very hard to keep romance and sexual interest alive.<br />
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At some point, you'll have to confront your husband about how he feels about you, and how **** should or shouldn't fit into your relationship. If you ask right now, it appears that you already know the answer. You have to give the **** industry credit; they are professionals. Change what you can, and then see if your relationship improves. Insist that your needs must be met. Life is short, so don't put off making changes.

Welcome to ILIASM. Stick around, and read as many stories here as you can handle. The more you read, the less complicated you'll see your situation. Many here have been in your shoes. We understand. <br />
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Summary: We haven't seen any member who left their sexless marriage ... regret leaving.

I know this is mostly about him, but there is something you can do that can only help and that is to loose the weight you've gained. Obesity can really put a wet blanket on sexual attraction and this is something you can control. Anyone can lose weight by eating less food energy that you expend in physical energy. <br />
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You are a young person and have a lot of life left to live. Whether you get your sexless marriage under control or not, you will become more sexually attractive and self confident if you get your weight under control. <br />
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Sexless marriage is bad enough. Don't fall into a state where you have a sexless life.

I used to look at ****. I've written extensively about this but I will give a short summary. <br />
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I grew up looking at it on and off, and continued to do so after I was married. Eventually I stopped because of stories I read on the internet like yours. Once I did, it became immediately obvious how little my wife was interested in me. **** was picking up the slack, basically. <br />
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I don't think this is the same as your situation. I would have preferred sex with my wife EVERY time rather than look at stupid videos. <br />
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I do think you should put your foot down and insist he stop looking at ****. <br />
And insist he give you some love. <br />
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He can't see you as sexual because you are his wife? I say that is a bullshit answer.

I've been sexless for almost 1 and a half years and still haven't resorted to **** as an acceptable substitute. It's the connection that goes with the act that I need.

A lot of people find that the dealbreaker is that their supposedly loving spouse isn't willing or able to help them get what they want, with a high priority.<br />
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And it sounds like you feel you marriage was a youthful mistake. Now you can change that.

hi, the issue is that he is in a fantacy land and he need to come down to reality. I think things can work out and it needs time, patient and hard work and a reality check.......dont give up, there is always a way......

Wish I could come to a clear understanding of what choice I need to make. Is it worth it for me to trade off passion and intimacy for stability, companionship and comfort? Of course I know I am the only one who can answer that...but I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

Often, if you apply the blowtorch of truth nto the situation, the level of stability / companionship / comfort ain't as good as you think. Yet another school of thought holds that the lack of passion / intimacy is a deal breaker all on its' own. You'll see these viewpoints as you read on here. And, they don't matter a damn. YOUR choice is the only one that matters.

**** looks like an appropriate hook to hang this on - though it doesn't greatly matter "why" he is intimacy averse to you.<br />
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The fact is, that he is intimacy averse to you. End of story.<br />
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There is nothing you can do (or not do) to change his choice to be intimacy averse to you. That is completely his choice and is not a matter you can do one damn thing about. That is HIS baggage, and any resolution to it resides with HIM and HIM alone. <br />
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The only person you can control in this dynamic is YOU.<br />
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And that will come down to YOUR choice about whether you are going to remain in the dysfunctional dynamic, or not.<br />
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Choice is a *****. He made his choice, and you are collateral damage to that. When you eventually choose, he may well be collateral damage to that.<br />
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But you don't get a pass on choice. No-one does.<br />
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Tread your own path.