Husband Told Me He Is Not Attracted To Me Anymore.

So here it goes; My hubsand and i have been together for 4 years next month married for 1. I have been sick since i got pregnant with our daughter who is now 2,5 years. I have had multiple brain surgeries and stays in the hospital and due to being bedridden alot of the time i have gained some weight because of being sick.

My husband has been there for me during this painful time.
And he has done maybe 60% of the things that needs to get done (house,shopping etc) and i have done 40% ,
but with our daughter its been split 50/50. It has been hard and stressful on us all.

We have gone to counselling and that has helped. Then a few months back i had my last surgery which was the BIG one make it or brake it. And it worked! Ss of now i am tumor free and hopefully it will stay that way. I had to cut my hair/lost it from medication which of course was not the best thing that could ever happen to me but i was not to bothered about it to be honest.

In my mind i thought PHEW! I am finally healthy we can finally embark on our lives together and live like a 23y old and a 24y old with a beautiful daughter should.

Boy was i mistaken. After i got the doctor saying "YOUR HEALTHY"!!!! My husband slowly stopped hugging me,kissing me, telling me im pretty or beautiful or anything. He says himself he thinks about sex so often it drives him crazy. Yet whenever i come on to him now he rejects me. It feels horrible. We do have sex dont get me wrong but it went from 5-10 times a week before and while i was sick to now maybe once a week.

So i finally decided to ask him. Just be honest with me i told him. And he was honest allright. He told me straight out he is not attracted to me anymore at all. He said he still loves me but you cant be INLOVE with someone your not attracted to thats for sure.

I dont want to sound ungratefull but i really dont want to start my "New" healthy wonderful life (IM ALIVE! ) like this. My confidence is dropping and today i just feel like crying constantly. I should be happy. Not feel like this. I have to talk to him when he gets home from work about this, but i honestly do not know what to do. I have been through SO much the past few years that i cant stand feeling sick or miserable anymore.

And i do know he has been through alot aswell but we have been lucky and had both his and my parents fly in or stay over whenever its been surgeries ,doctors visist etc. So he and i have gotten ALOT of help. We do not struggle financially or anything so its not that either.

Should i stay or should i go?

He clearly is not attracted to me as he said and to me that must mean he is not in love with me either. I do believe fullheartedly that he loves me. And our daughter. But should i settle for not feeling attractive or never feeling like hes proud to bring me anywhere. What he told me will stick with me forever.

I would also like to add that i am dieting and growing my hair so he knows i will be back to my normal self in notime. And he was attracted to me when i weighed more then this. So it cant directly be that. And if it is my hair falling off/being cut off due to medication then i cant do anything about that. I HAD NO CHOICE!.

I cant stand this feeling. I couldnt help becoming sick. I feel like i have ruined his life or something. But i know within me i would have gone through this with him 10 times in a row if i had to.

I love him i am in love with him and i am very much attracted to him. I deserve that to dont i?

SORRY for the long post <3
marie231 marie231
22-25, F
17 Responses May 8, 2012

Again THANK you to you all! I would really want to answer on all the lovely advice but i am unable to sit here any longer! Im sure ill get the time to tho, but since things are working out it feels kind of stupid to rehash this issue by going here all the time if it stays good. Bless you all.

Alot of lovely advice =)! Thank you all <3<br />
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I actually chose to talk with him when he came home because he wanted to, we talked and talked (our little girl took a trip to grandma), and he finally opened up about his feelings. I knew he had been feeling down for long but he never wanted to talk about it. Our talking and crying and talking and crying was REALLY needed. SO NEEDED! He never ment what he actually said and i think someplace inside me i knew he did not. He's still living with a constant fear of "what if she gets sick again", me and him just need to work on that! He has lived with the fear of me dying for a while. He is the type of person who hides his emotions well. But i know him so i have known but have not wanted to push him. But finally! <br />
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And after our talk he nearly attacked me in bed later (in a good way), and this morning i woke up to him having taken our daughter to kindergarden for me as a surprise and flowers in the livingroom and a lovely good morning msg on my phone. Then he came home we ate dinner baby to sleep, and sat down to talk but ended up doing something bery different :p <br />
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Im so happy and relieved, of course i wish he would have open the dialogue abit differently but he did it the way he knew how to. He isnt much of a talker and he just really needed to vent. I have asked him many times of course how he feels and we have gone to councelling but its just not his "thing". But finally its all out. <br />
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Thank you all again <3 <br />
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I even showed him this because he thought i was hiding something from him, we had a good laugh at the ones thinking he was cheating. :D But i knew he was not cheating that was never an issue. Oh and us taking up a swingers lifestyle :D hehe<br />
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Lovely advice <3

As usual Bazz, Enna and the others have covered all the salient points. It honestly sounds like you've got a hell of a man there. It really takes love to go through all that with a spouse. Remember, he didn't have a team of doctors trying to figure out if HE was alright through all this. I imagine he was just being honest, albeit at a time when he shouldn't have. When you spend that amount of time and energy looking at someone you love, who is essentially a victim of disease and medical proceedures, it doesn't stir up a stiffy. He had to honestly look at the possibility of you not being there; of his daughter not having a mother. The last thing he would feel confident about is you as a sexual being, and his statement reflected that. Your lines of communication are open, almost to a fault. Try not to take anything that happens too seriously in the first year or two. Both of you have been on a hellish ride. It is going to take far longer than you think to "get back to where you were". I know you've been waiting for this victory for a long time, and it doesn't taste as sweet as you would like. Give it time. There's too much shock to wear off to make rash decisions now.

I hate to go against the tide of opinion, but your husband sounds like he's doing a pretty good job to me. Sure you used to get daily sex, but in the midst of having a child, coupled with multiple brian surgeries and weight gain, there is certainly going to be some loss of sexual appetite. Given what you've been through together, once a week is pretty good.<br />
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I'm sure things will improve as your health restores. Will it get back to once a day? Maybe, maybe not. Having children takes a toll, both physically and emotionally. Given your husband's age and maturity, he may have some reservations about rushing back into an activity which leads to having more children.<br />
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I'm sure your husband still loves you. Heck, he hasn't left yet, and he's still having weekly sex with someone who probably isn't in the peak of physical health and attractiveness. Telling you that he isn't 'physically attracted to you' is brutally honest. You did ask for it, but he should have muted the message a bit. OK, he should have muted it a lot.<br />
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Before you make a rash decision, let things return to 'normal' for a while. You'll probably need at least six months before you can gauge if this is a lasting issue. In the mean time, work on your health and try to restore your appearance. Keep communicating and keep having sex.<br />
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If you find yourself back here in six months, and the sex has fallen to once a month or less, then you'll have your true answer. Enjoy life. Don't focus too much of your attention on what isn't perfect.<br />
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Good luck.

You have lots of issues, so get counseling if you can. As far as fitness goes, do the best you can but don't ignore your health. Babies are stressful, and sometimes that can stress relationships. There's an ebb and flow in any relationship, but for a partner to say they don't love you is totally insensitive. Still, that doesn't necessarily meant what it says. I'd say try it some more since you're committed to the relationship, but devote time to yourself. Take care of you and he will see you as less needy and clingy and that could change how he views it.

You do not know what love is.<br />
Your husband went through your illness and did not leave you .<br />
If he says he is not attracted to you in your state perhaps you need to work on your attitudes and try to improve your general appearance.<br />
How many men would stand by in the worst of times.<br />
He may not find you attractive and is being honest.<br />
Would you prefer a man who lied to you about how he feels.<br />
He probably said that to you so you can improve, not only on your appearance, but, your complaining attitude.<br />
Love stands by in the worst of times. <br />
Wake up!

Fvck off!

Your judgemental and patronising comment is not even close to the truth. I can only echo Ron's sentiments!!

Using vulgarity is a no no.

Patronizing is not part of my nature, I call it as I see it.

How many men? Here is one.

I cant tell you anything but you are terribly wrong. I have never doubted how much he loves me and our daughter as i also wrote in my post =) I just would never ever want to live in a relationship where both him and i "settled" because its all we knew and felt comfort with.

yes, he might love you. but not the way that you need or want as a woman. thats the issue

Some people have to learn the hard way.

5 More Responses

Marie, <br />
I want to say that I am sorry for what you are suffering. <br />
You are rapidly coming to the realization that your husband simply does not love you anymore. We all know how you feel. <br />
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Now for a positive spin! <br />
IT DID NOT TAKE YOU LONG TO START FIGURING THIS OUT!!!! Be grateful for that. Most of us losers in this group spent years and years struggling in this same soul-destroying limbo.

Your husband's name isn't Newt Gingrich by chance, is it?

First, it is ridiculous for people to infer an affair because your husband made a insensitive and unloving comment. It might be that after the stress of your illness, the increased responsibility, and the continual sacrifice of putting your health needs first, he is feeling emotions he wouldn't allow himself during ur illness. It also isn't surprising that his attraction to u has ebbed, but that does not mean he does not love u or it will always remain that way. You both need time to heal and regain your strength. You have both been through hell. And, as tough as it may be, I bet if u express empathy for what your husband has been through and understanding of how such a situation would decrease anyone's attraction and allow him to have emotions outside of protecting u and keeping u well, I would bet he rescinds those remarks and opens up about what this experience has been to him. The good and the bad. He was there for u, he had to put his own needs second, and some belated resentment may be leaking out. It doesn't mean he is awful, it means he is human. Approach him in love and allow him to have feelings without recrimination from u.

You have every right in marriage to have your desire for intimacy and sex to be met! Congratulations for your full recovery and for being interested in meeting your needs for sex within your marriage. Please don't let your husband's unhealthy disinterest in you to go on unresolved over future days, long lonely nights, months and years. I am in a 24 year relationship, 22 married, 10 with seldom sex, 5 with no sex. The last straw was when my wife told me bluntly 5 years ago "find someone else" (to satisfy your needs). I have faithfully been there for her and my stepdaughter, and waited days and nights for her to change. So, I snapped and did a stupid thing. I approached a platonic friend from work who was single and asked for sex and she kindly made herself available. She had all of the qualities of a soul mate and afterwards stayed in contact for one year and offered herself in marriage - if I were to divorce. When I stayed in my marriage out of guilt over marriage vows, my friend wisely moved on and married. Fast forward to now. My wife has lost her job and is away in rehab for being busted on the job for drug abuse (and alcohol abuse). I never suspected the drug problem, because drug addiction has not been part of my background or life experience. Even though my wife had a poor self image over gaining a few pounds, I always adored her and very much enjoyed intmacy with her during the honeymoon phase of our relationship and rare occasions after. Please don't put off meeting your needs to love and be loved. It is as much your right as access to air, water, food and security! Sure - listen to him when he wants to talk. After he is done talking, bring up your desire to share great sex. Have a game plan to get him screened by his physician and go to counseling. There are weekend couples retreats to rekindle intimacy and sharing great sex. Don't let him live in denial tonight, tomorrow - and end up waiting like I have for years. Don't blame yourself! Believe me, if he ends up continuing to starve you for for sex - he has serious other issues. HE has broken your wedding contract. Life as we know it is too short to be deprived of happiness. There are other men who would be thrilled to be so fortunate to be married to you. Find a way to enjoy great sex within a long term relationship! Wishing you the best!

This sounds very recent, very raw and you are still in the trauma, chaos and turmoil stage of digesting this information. As Baz says, it sounds as if you need further time to digest and assess it. It is possible that he has had an affair. It would not be the first time that the partner of a seriously ill person has lent on someone else to steer them through the anxiety and stress of dealing with the situation, to discuss their fears that they cannot discuss with their sick partner and then something more develops from it. Could you envisage something like that happening with you, if he had been the sick one?<br />
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Also, when someone is sick like you have been you are revealed in all your glory, warts and all, both in terms of physical appearance but also in terms of your psyche. That can be an enormous jolt for those close to you if they have even a partially idealised vision of you. That would be naive but not unusual. Think of it like someone watching you have a crap, perfectly normal and something you know must happen but nevertheless it is hardly an endearing thing to contemplate.<br />
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All you can do is to wait and see what he reveals. Whatever it is, try to remain calm, but don't hold back on how you articulate, word, your feelings. It will help you to keep your thinking as clearly as possible but at the same time clearly get your feelings over. Don't be afraid to say that you both need to take time to think whatever it is through, to not rush into decisions. If he has been having an affair he does need to recognise that a relationship under those circumstances is not built upon the normal parameters that apply and that as a result he may be misinterpreting his feelings. That does happen too.

Yea i agree with alot of what you all are saying. He came home today and said "You look pretty and i mean that" then he continued on saying "I am not giving up on this and i have not at any point" i just did not even know what to say so i said me to. I do know he is not cheating tho, well not for sure of course but me and him have always been open, we know eachothers facebook pw,uses eachothers phones and email etc so i really doubt that is the case, but he might be entertaining the idea of cheating by now i guess. I just want my "normal" family. Thank you for your advice !

As Rosedl says below it would be presumptious to say that he has either had an affair or is contemplating one. I would assume that he is not unless there is something substantial to corroborate it. I suggest you do the same. Suspicion, especially without foundation is poisonous, and as Rose says just because he stuck his big foot in it doesn't mean that he is making any sort of confession. At least he appears to be prepared to be candid with you which has a lot of value with folks here, for better or worse. You both are still pretty young and you have been through a lot already with pregnancy and then the tumour. Now that the immediate health crisis is over he has maybe started contemplating and reflecting on how he felt during that period rather than just getting on with things on a day-to-day basis. Maybe as a result he now has all sorts of fears and apprehensions and is psychologically withdrawing a bit. If you have strong emotions about something one way to defend yourself is to withdraw to protect yourself emotionally. We all do it all the time. Sometimes it last minutes, sometimes it lasts forever. If that were the case all any of us can do is to come to terms with the simple fact that whatever fate slings at us we can only do so much to avoid it and the rest we just have to deal with as best and as positively as we can, to fight as best we can against our natural inclination to withdraw into our shells. If you have been clear for 2.5 years you will presumably have other health clearance checks to go through in future years. Maybe he is pessimistic and worried about that? Is he pessimistic by nature at all? You sound like an optimist. Maybe you have to sell the optimistic story. You are alive today as much as any of us are and will continue to be as much as any of us. You realise you have been given a second lease on life and want to take nothing for granted and to live it to the full. Tell him you would be in his debt if he can find the means to just do the same. We are all on borrowed time and most of us don't even know how much or how little. Encourage him to just go for it, to value it, to cherish it. He may be worrying about the cancer returning and taking you, but he could have a stroke tomorrow, ending all such fears. Such is life, such is fate. Of course, this is all sheer speculation and may be totally irrelevant. All I can suggest is that since he raised the bogeyman that you encourage him to talk about and do your best just to listen to begin with. Resist filling any awkward silences unless you do so with another question to tease information out of him. At the moment it is about how he feels, not about how you feel. You want answers now, you can make your own position clear in due course and what he may say will inform your own feelings further. No point in jumping the gun. Help him to reveal his thoughts, fears, whatever. Good luck!

I love this ^ &lt;3 You should write books or something!

You and your husband have had more issues than most couples deal with in a marriage. Give it a rest! It takes years to recover from the fallout caused by childbirth let alone all of those surgeries, tumors, hair loss, medication etc. You can not expect miracles to come to you, one after another. Spend some time digesting the biggest miracle here, you are alive and you get to be a mother to your daughter. Don't just keep escalating the trauma, divorce, screaming and crying about attraction and sexiness. You need to settle down, heal, give your daughter some stability. Be happy your husband still loves you after all of this and later when you are all well and over the trauma you guys can evaluate the marriage, don't mix it with recovery from brain surgery and health. One thing at a time. Maybe you need counseling to walk you through all of this.

I am taking counseling weekly. I get what your saying but i dont think being sick or going through things makes what he said right. He should have kept it inside or just told me in a different way. And sick people need to feel attractive then more then ever. As do they need sex aswell. Your human needs dont go away just because you are sick. They become even stronger. Now i am healthy and to be honest had he told me while i was sick i wouldnt be surprised. But now im not as appriciative of it. And i concider me being well a miracle but not my husband wanting sex with me. Thats no miracle thats a normal healthy thing a young couple like us do. So its not that im asking for more miracles, i just dont want me and him to go downhill when i am finally well again.

It would be wise to let the dust settle after all the trauma you all have been at least 6 months to a year, the world make look different then.<br />
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On the hand, if Filtermachine is right, you may not even be voting...and there is a chance his gut feeling is right..<br />
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Whatever it is, stay close to yourself, and be grateful for what you do have, to keep you distracted from what you may be losing. You have overcome something huge, you are young and you have a beautiful daughter. That's more than a lot of people ever get...

But that is the thing tho i have been "Healthy" several months now, but i guess giving it a few more wouldnt harm. I just never expected this NOW, maybe when i was sick or became sick but not now. After all of it and after becoming well. Im just abit shocked still i think.

And yes i need to focuse on my daughter in all of this. So dinner is done and the house is cleaned, i have washed my face and today will be as normal as she knows a day to be.

She is everything right now. Thats all that matters as of now. And yea i feel this amazing love for life after being sick like i have and im not letting anyone take that away. I need to LIVE my life now. I know far to well it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

Thank you. =)

He didn't leave while you were ill because he is decent person full of humanity, at least, at the bare minimum. And probably he stayed for the affinity and love he has for you, unfortunately, that could be a sisterly love, and not the passionate love. Who knows, only he can say. To you the timing doesn't make sense, but to me it makes sense, it is what decent people do. Only really undecent people leave someone when they are down and out.

I think has a girlfriend. Just a gut feeling. <br />
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I could be wrong. But you should question him heavily on this.

I really do not believe that is the case, it might be tho. When he stopped being loving or attracted to me that was also a big shock so you never know.

It could be. Know this though - even if he is not attracted to you, it does not mean you are not attractive. That is important.

I think you should leave it for a while. People react to stress differently. You've been thru a lot. Some people act like a trooper during a crisis and then collapse after. Sounds like this may be your husband's reaction. <br />
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If you're still in counseling, bring this up there. Talk to your cancer counsellor. I bet this happens a lot - from one side or the other. <br />
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I can't tell you if it will get better or worse. Only time will tell. But you're young and you have time. Don't squander your pressure life and sexuality on someone who doesn't want you anymore. But I think there's a chance that desire can return to your marriage.

Yea i know, it does happen alot. Couples either get through it stronger on the other side, cant get trough it together at all or some stick with you for the fight but then leaves. I just dont want to start my healthy life like this. We are not doing councelling anymore because we where doing great until about 2 months after i was declared healthy. I cant live my life with someone who says i am not attractive i think. I dont really know much right now to be honest. I guess ill take it and hold it in and see if he ever finds me attractive again or.. I just dont know.

Look, I'm not saying you should stay there forever with someone who's not attracted to you. Goodness no! But I do think you've been through so much that rash decisions wouldn't benefit you. You guys need to talk and maybe go back to counseling. Maybe set yourself a deadline. Six months. When your hair grows back, I don't know.

yea i know. I never ment to make it sound like you did either! Sorry! I think my feelings are abit to raw. I need to take a step back. And a deadline sounds really smart. Thank you=)!

Yea i have read here before i posted, reading other stories is what made me post. Well i might not want to talk to him after work or even see him for a long time, but he wants to talk. <br />
Should i hear him out? <br />
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I really have no idea what to do, im crying to the point where i feel sick. <br />
I need some advice, any advice. I'll try to put off the conversation for a while. <br />
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But up until we talk. Should i leave for a while? I dont want my daughter to see me like this. I know she will notice even if i put on a smile.She old enough to notice when something is wrong between us. I can stay with my brother and come home to see her daily at times i feel good. I just dont know what to do.

You could hardly be any more unprepared for this conversation. Under such circumstances, do a lot of listening, and in whatever you do actually say, don't make any commitments. You need some breathing space. Bad. If you think that is best served by getting away for a bit, then that's probably a good choice.

Yea i think maybe i do. We where about to start planning our big wedding with friends and family,(we only had a courthouse one) then this bomb comes. I really need to rethink everything and step back. Everything i believed and thought of our relationship at this point feels a lie.

Darling.....what about sexless marriage honey? Sex is not everything in life. Your life and health are more important. Think about NOW! Seems like you are depressed and miserable hearing what he said. So what if you have lost hair and put on weight? There was a genuine problem with your health. Do not let your husband's words lower your self esteem and worth. Do not discuss it for now, especially after work. Listen dear, I have gone through a lot of health issues and suffered a lot. I can understand you. Focus on yourself and your daughter now. Get back your self confidence and set a goal for yourself, now that you are healthy. Give time...for yourself and him. Take a break honey before starting afresh. Goto your parents' place or brother's place. Stay, eat healthy, let your hair grow wonderfully, excercise - just as simple as walking. In some days, you will be attractive, if that is what he wants. But any marriage, the partner should support the spouse and love and care, irrespective of looks or condition. Thats what is true love and real marriage is all about. If not why do you say at the time of the wedding to be there during sickness and health....etc. Be yourself. Focus on getting more and more healthier and stronger. Lift up your spirits by yourself. Read something inspirational. Soon you will be back on track! May be your husband wants you to look like before, and sure you can be that! When you feel like crying - just say - STOP! No tears...its not worth it and its not the end of the world. And believe in yourself,your life is priceless. Involve your parents and in-laws when required. But for now, focus on yourself, sound happy and most importantly PRAY...for strength and peace. You can be anything. Just stand up, rise and get going without losing hope!

I'd shelve any plans of talking to him after work today.<br />
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This ain't going to be resolvable in a single conversation. It might not be resolvable, full stop.<br />
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Set yourself a target of reading at least 20 random stories in here, and the comments there-on before you do anything else.<br />
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You need knowledge (of what you are dealing with) and you want it quick. 20 stories in here will give you a jump start.<br />
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But shelve the conversation just for the moment.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Brooza Bazz is anything but a moron. Most of his comments make sense here and his advice is respected by the majority here. As for you whats your main achievement in life???

Frustrated1978, most of us Aussies here are awesome! You, Lao, Bazz, and the other regular Aussie posters. Guess there has to be one that doesn't make the grade . . . !!

Enna i couldn't agree more. Take Care