Endless Nights

Every night I  lay in bed, I stare into nothing and think about my entire day,
what could I have done better, what can I improve, where did I screw up.
Did I raise my voice at the kids?
Did he hear me?
Did I forget to put salt in the food?
Was dinner not served hot enough?
Was dinner good enough?
Did I look like crap?
I should have worn my hair down.
I should get out of these PJs more often.
After changing my clothes,put on bronzer and mascara and giant smile, did I look like I was trying too hard?
Did I hug him too much, maybe I squeezed too tight?
Did I bring it up again?
Did I say the word we are not allowed to say in this house?
As I lay here I'm trying so hard to not cry or punch the wall.
I want to just break everything around me.
I could blow this house up and he still wouldn't hear me.
Tonight I told him

Sure he'll throw me a bone soon, and I'll get my hopes up and thank God I got to hold him again.
This will only make me kick my self for doing so a few weeks or months from now.

I guess this post is meant for those who still love their spouse and have no way of leaving for the moment even if they wanted to.
There is no light at the end of this tunnel, unless you die a little and give up, THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

Thank you all my friends, you know who you are.

oceansun oceansun
36-40, F
16 Responses May 8, 2012

I know the very same nights very well.Very sorry he does not want to show you intimacy or any passion.<br />
I hope some positive things happen for you in the future and you end up happy for the res of your life.<br />
Thanks for sharing.

I think we all have hope that things will get better. the hope that if you try harder, be more patient, loving and take care of them maybe just maybe they will see how good we are for them and change how they feel about us....<br />
<br />
I have that hope but it gets smaller and smaller with every rejection...<br />
<br />
I got told by my wife that she has no interest in sex and intimacy at all...but she left her laptop for a few minutes and i had a quick look. And guess what...she was chatting to a work friend about sex at work and ********** and how good it would be if he could slowly move his fingers up her thigh. <br />
<br />
So tell me this then....how can she not want sex but think of thise things and even chat to another married man about it....

....Ouch, Thats sad, knowing this though you can stop her from hurting you any further, not that it's any easier for you it never is, me I'm trying to remember why I am hanging on so hard.
Thank you

No disagreement FOP. What I will point out is that advice on how to save the marriage is also flatly rejected in favor of doing the same thing over and over again. I do not usually write blunt comments out of the blue. Much advice and ways of perceiving the marital issues has been given and leaving has not been the only pathway offered. This is where I start wondering about authenticity of intent. If salvaging or recreating the marriage is truely the intent, then I wold have thought pride and the need to feel one is right comes second. I have read so many stories of how people have bent over backwards to save their marriages, twisted themselves into pretzels to no avail. So all I have stated is that doing the same thing and expecting something different ain't gonna fly.

Like, like, like.

My comment was by no means specifically directed at you, Lao... and I do believe that you don't write bluntly out of the blue...

But, sometimes... a story, or a comment, hits a trigger for us. And then the response is not necessarily correctly targeted.

I don't completely disagree with you..., but I am surprised at the degree of thumping going on here.

Not so much, enna... I was here when you were new...

Never mind all that, I'm still trying to wrap my mind around my new found knowledge of men preferring **** to their wives, who the effe prefers their own hand to a warm luscious body rubbing against them. <br />
Now I'm wondering if my husband is that man too.<br />
<br />
I have been illiterate (naive) and have been slapped in the face with a BIG book (reality) and I'm desperately trying to figure out what all these lines and circles mean.

but yes I love it when I do have it. not supposed to eat it though

And I thought I was doing good.<br />
I think this entire sexlessness has a process, and I am well on track with the program. <br />
I went from having a normal healthy and very fulfilling sex life to having kids and a house and being jobless, in a matter of weeks.<br />
All along I thought this was a "normal life process": <br />
**** hits the fan, <br />
stress piles up, <br />
things slow down and <br />
eventually it's the "new normal".<br />
I had no idea you people even existed, I though "I" was the only one, honestly I did.<br />
Then I found EP, and I have learned that this "isn't normal", <br />
and that it doesn't have to be this way, <br />
that things can change and be done and <br />
that I am not alone, and I did ALL this in a matter of seconds.<br />
I am still grasping everything, I am still trying to understand why, what, where, and why the **** me?<br />
I am taking it all in, I haven't even wrapped my mind around this, I'm still in the wtf faze.<br />
<br />
There is no fast and quick "rip the band aid" and get it over with solution here.<br />
But I am well on board with what has happened, and that this is no way to live and that something needs to give, I have taken advice, listened, thanked and apologized, and I am doing everything to understand, because i still DON"T UNDERSTAND.<br />
This is a process, You all know this better then me, you have all been here much longer and have probably suffered a lot more than I have,<br />
but it's part of the process and I am not going to skip any steps.<br />
Thank you.<br />
<br />
>>>If you take the time to read my story and give me your thoughts I appreciate and thank you, as it is the right thing to do. But just because you did that does not mean I have to fully agree with what you said, so instead of saying "effe you and how dare you, and you don't know me" and so on, I respectfully plead my point of view like an adult, and I apologize for not seeing it your way, again because it's the right thing to do.<br />
But then I get bashed in the head for being an adult!

...Thanks for your thoughts.

Oceansun is Canadian... we say thank you, and I'm sorry more than any other words in the language. In a world that tends to see that as accepting culpability, when it's really just, for us, good manners... it tends to get us in trouble.<br />
<br />
Be that as it may... <br />
<br />
So many of us here were never going to leave, and just came here to vent... some of us for years before finally leaving our spouses. ...and then like reformed smokers some immediately begin to condemn those who are doing just what we did.<br />
<br />
Everyone makes the hard choices and does the changing in their own time. This is becoming less a place of support, and more a place of expectation that our advice will immediately be taken, and agonizing choices will immediately be made.<br />
<br />
Has it really become necessary to make admissions of pain, fear and immobility in anonymous confessions... or do we still offer support and understanding here of just how brutal it is to have to make these choices, and how long it takes to wrap our heads around the cruel realities of our situations.<br />
<br />
Most of the people here that insist the most fervently that everyone should leave at all costs are the ones that found love here, and had someone to go to... and even then, in some cases, had to be pried free...<br />
<br />
In ocean's case, the sexlessness does seem to have a why, and like situational depression, it may be possible to turn it around if she acts quickly enough. Our collective experience does not bear that out, but it's not a complete impossibility.<br />
<br />
...and disinfecting things has become a passtime in our society... just look on the supermarket shelves at the number of types, forms and flavours of disinfecting hand gel... and the jugs of it on the wall... She wipes things that her very young children are likely to put their mouths on... that other people have had their hands on... not particularly OCD...<br />
<br />
I have seen this OP get clobbered pretty hard here... and I'm not sure why that is... <br />
<br />
Where is the sympathy, and the empathy folks...

....I couldn't have explained that better myself. Thank you

Oceansun, you display a consistent pattern of thanking everyone for their comments and then disagreeing with them. Just as your spouse does not feel the need to change anything so do you feel that same need to do nothing. I mean no offence but you assume the mantle of victim quite readily, bemoaning your situation and yet refusing to lift a finger to do anything outside your comfort zone which may actually help you. Read your stories and see how many times you disagree or refute the suggestions and advice given. It is amazing how you acknowledge how similar all our stories are and yet how impossible it would be that even a handful of the steps we have taken to mmove forward would work for you. Like your spouse, you ave chosen to do nothing different. To keep doing the same thing and expect something different to happen is a best illogical and at worst, a form of madness. I hope you look past the bluntness of this commment and see some truths here.

..Thnak you LaoTzu for your comment, But I completely disagree with everything you said, sorry.

Ocean, Petrushka makes some very important points. I realise it is VERY hard to open yourself up to hearing these things, but for yor sake AND your children's, you do need to do that.<br />
<br />
You say you love your husband so much you get butterflies around him. In a healthy relationship this would be SUPERB! But your husband is not treating you in a respectful or caring manner. In fact, he does abuse you emotionally.<br />
<br />
I think Petrushka's concern - and certainly MY concern - is that your love for this man is such that even his treatment of you fails to affect how you feel about him. This usually happens when we lack self belief and do not love ourselves. It says: "You can treat me however you like and I will still love you."<br />
<br />
When you fail to recognise that healthy love does NOT include abuse, you fail to protect yourself from that abuse. And by doing so, you actually "give permission" for the abuse to continue . . . .<br />
<br />
You are waiting for "the resentment to build up and take over" - sadly, this is a very poor choice. Building resentment to a point where you feel you can actually DO something is a guaranteed way to poison all the people you come in contact with - especially your beloved children.<br />
<br />
The responsible thing to do is to acknowledge to yourself that this treatment is abusive and that, so far, you are powerless in being able to effectively confront it. Then seek help to do so. If your finances don't run to personal counselling, see the local Women's Health centre (or Women's shelter) for help[. They will usually provide you with assistance free or at low cost.<br />
<br />
I know you probably think I'm being unkind, but I hope you will recognise that I'm simply trying to get you to see the REAL issue here. You are a devoted mother and a very careful one. But the tragedy is that your children are FAR more at risk from the toxicity that exists between you and their father than they will be from super-market germs!

I agree with everything you said, so you are telling me to give up my battles and walk away from the father of my children and the man I've loved for 10 years and move on?
It's not that easy, i keep telling my slf it could be worse, like that other story we read about where the H gave his wife STDs and cheats and so on, I guess I'm in denial.
Weren't you when you went through this, or did you get up and leave at the very first time you got refused? I'm sure you put your self through some hell before you left.
anyways thanks, and I will seek help, I can't keep doing this, my kids are my world, and they come first, and I want them to get the most out of life and a relationship, I don't want them to think this is ok, because mom and dad did it. Thanks Enna.

Ocean, in no way am I saying you need to act instantly. I am trying to help you see that action is eventually the only answer. And that action may not be leaving! It may be that you decide you are prepared to stay in this situation. In which case, it would be wise to change your attitude to one of acceptance - very hard to do. Of course it could be worse! That is what jkeeps many of us tied in these situations for far too long - the thought that, compared with others, our situation is not as bad as some. But at heart this is faulty thinking - as you have so rightly said, it IS denial. I;m REALLY glad to hear you plan to seek help. It was only with the help of counsellors and ILIASM that I was able to end my marriage. Doing it by yourself is just too hard for many of us.

I just don't see how taking my kids away from their father as a loving act towards them, I keep telling my self how the **** do I answer the question wheres daddy, to a 1 and 2 year old.
Thanks Enna, always enlightening, and I appreciate.

"I just don't see how taking my kids away from their father as a loving act towards them, " - take this question to counselling.

1 More Response

Hi Oceansun - this is a classic feeling among us SMers. The constant questioning, doubting, wondering, and resenting. The worst part of it is the hoping that comes with that occasional bone we get from our refusers. That hope would eventually get dashed again and the vicious cycle begins anew.<br />
<br />
The one point most of us have at one point or another struggled with is why and how would the person who has vowed to love and cherish us constantly makes us feel unwanted and rejected. This is normal in the many stages of ILIASM and most of us have walked that plank. The bright side for you is that not long from now you will find the strength to persevere through the vicious cycle and one day you will not buy into that manipulation. When - NOT if - you do, you will be able to see far enough to form your exit strategy.<br />
<br />
Hang in there. We know exactly what you are going through.

I know and thank you

As you lie in your bed, going through this process, has it occurred to you that your view is entirely retrospective ?? 2nd guessing events that have happened.<br />
<br />
And not a thought, not one, concerning YOUR future. YOUR aspirations. YOUR life and what you want from it. How you might achieve the things you want. What sort of choices you would need to make. What sort of strategy you need to develop.<br />
<br />
Your retrospective thinking will likely not help you move forward. Your past has been written. Your future, YOU can write.<br />
<br />
Tread your own path.

I agree Baz, I am consumed with fear, guilt, anf hurt and instead of focusing on what do to about it, I beat my self up. Question....Is it actually called "exit plan" or is my lawyer going to look at me like, wtf is this lady on?
Thanks B

Lawyers tend to refer to it as "Divorce".


I feel your pain. I feel OUR pain. <br />
<br />

This sucks!

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I really do sympathise and can relate. I have felt like you have. <br />
<br />
You really do need to take action and start respecting yourself more. Clearly your attachment to him is not helping your cause.<br />
<br />
I hope you find the strength to start formulating an exit plan. It wont happen straight away but you need to begin somewhere. <br />
<br />
Just remember you cant change his attitude but you can change the way he treats you ba<x>sed on your actions. The choic is yours.<br />
<br />
Good Luck you have a lot of support here

Thank you, yes the support is great here and I do need to change many things in my life.

I remember those nights almost like yesterday. You question everything, but this is unhealthy mentally and physically. You need an exit plan, even if your exit isn't tomorrow, it will replace those other thoughts of of inferority.

I agree. It's a terrible constant torment.

Much like the questions I have everyday...when will it by my turn is the only missing. I completely understand your thought process there, waiting to receive the 'gold star' (of sex) for a job well done. Doing everything just to get the refuser to notice you... Surely it is nothing in your control, but I think that leaving is. I'm stuck in the same situation, so this is like the blind leading the blind here, but hey everyone gives me the same advice so I figure they must be on to something. Keep doing what you do, but do it for you. Maybe get the that guy at the drive-thru window to wink at you, or the grocery store clerk to compliment you...get someone else to notice you, I'm sure it wouldn't be difficult. You don't have to act on it, sometimes, and I know this is terrible, but I like to know that someone finds me desirable, even if it's not my wife, (sometimes especially not my wife). From the sounds of it you are doing everything you can and more than you should have to...my 2 cents, you may have change.

Thanks, it's true, leaving is the only option other than a miracle, but it's not in my cards right now.

Should someone pop along and give you a sharp clip around the ear for thinking like that or give you a good shaking over your perverse infatuation which he uses against you? He has everything he wants, pity it does not include you. Oh dear, I'm not exactly sure whether I meant it that way.<br />
<br />
I don't think I could ever be that infatuated with anyone. I don't know, to be honest, whether that is right or wrong, good or bad, or it just is.

I don't know..... it's nice to give it all and lose your self for someone you love terribly hard and especially when you get it back.
We weren't always like this, it use to be great.
He just fell off the wagon, I haven't yet as I am hanging on by my teeth.
Soon enough I will too, I know it.

U don't have to live that way. It is a choice, albeit a tough one. Google the term codependent and read. You are making the terms of your own behavior and happiness contingent upon him. Yes, it sucks that he won't have sex with you. But, it is his issue and you driving yourself nuts trying to figure out how to get him to act like you won't work and takes the onus off you for not changing the things you do have control over. I did that dance for years, and it wasn't until I stopped and focused on me that it changed. Finally left, and now have beautiful lovemaking with a incredible man. No one can do it for you but you

I know I don't have to, and I don't want to.