Am I Blowing This Out Of Proportion? Is There Another Way?

I am confused. I’ve been married just short of 10 years, and have been sexless, completely for the fist 6. After that was sporadic because I pushed the hubby to get medical help, was determined to make this marriage what I wanted and to have a baby. We have a beautiful 2year old. Over the years, my hubby has been inactive, if he did not want to do something, like get off the couch on a weekend, he would not. I either stayed there and was miserable “but at least we’re together” or left and did stuff on my own. What stuff? Grocery shopping, sheet shopping, hardware store runs,. Errands, swim classes with our toddler. I did this alone, and I had been doing it for years.

I was always so proud of my independence- but really al I did was enable the hubby- and we grew apart. I had 2 affairs, strictly physical ones- when it felt like I was reborn. Like the colorless lifeless me a=had hope. This year, when affair #2 crept up and surprised me, I demanded change. Hubby swore up and down he would change- yup, 2 appts with a counselor and 1 30day rx for ed meds. The problems are so much more than sex- its now estrangement, and I honestly want peace. Recently, when he realized 3 months ago I was serious, he said he would try, I must support him. But all I feel is pressure- why don’t I call him more? Why am I not crazy in love anymore? Can nothing be the same as it was?
I have been unhappy for 9.5 years now- when I told my hubby in Feb 2012 he said he never guessed- he thought we had the perfect marriage. I guess he thought those yearly fights, the crying and begging from me that marred every date night, every vacation over the years was just a phase- like a mood that went away.

I told him I am done, no more trying, just get on with it. He is my best friend, and I want it to stay that way- nothing will change, but we will no longer call it a “marriage”. We’ve been roommates for so long, that’s really what we are. And now he’s sad, and withdrawn and angry- am I right? Am I blowing this out of proportion? He’s a good guy, and a good father, though I have to push him to do stuff- he’s just not for me and I don’t want to waste another year or 2 in sham like this. I honestly dream of killing myself sometimes so I would not have to deal with this- it can’t be healthy.
Sillydaisy Sillydaisy
31-35, F
7 Responses May 8, 2012

Your story sounds so familiar except that my hub NEVER sits down and we have no children. <br />
Why would your hub watch **** and yank when he could have had sex with it laziness or control issues or what? <br />
I think you seem to be realistic and he is living in denial.

Laziness- we're also Asian, and without getting very specific, our culture frowns on divorce. While neither of us are particularly traditional, since we went to university and live here in the US, we do keep our religion etc. I guess he assumed I would never act on my threats, I would never really walk out on him. He doesn't realize, even now, that I never chose him due to lack of choice. After we had our son, he believed even less that I would walk out. It is denial.

There is contradictory evidence in your stories about him being a great parent. He seems to have been quite inert in that part of the situation.<br />
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Applying the blow torch of truth to what he truly IS bringing to the table often results in the realisation that it ain't as much as you may have been led to believe. It is highly likely that it ain't just the sex that he ain't bringing to the table.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I need to "sell him" on something to get him going. With our child, he said he wanted kids. I was adamant and did anything and everything to have a child, and I was stuck parenting alone. I insisted he do baths, just to give me a break, so that's all he would do. I have to tell him every sat/ Sunday I want the tv off, and to play with his child rather than with his phone. He will comply. When I told him I was done in January, he started taking our son to daycare at least in the am so I could get to the office early. My point is I have to spell it out and get upset to get cooperation. I travel every couple of weeks for work, just 1-2 days, and he takes care of our son, bathes, clothes, bedtime, taking to and from daycare. It's. Ot above and beyond, this is basic dad stuff. He seems to enjoy it once he's doing it, but I have to demand it gets done- he nevere just volunteers.

That blowtorch is revealing isn't it.

Yes, very. This isn't normal is it?

Daisy, everything you say about your husband convinces me he is totally self centred. It is all about HIM. I once had a therapist who told me that the biggest of red flags was when one partner has "no clue" the other is unhappy. He told me it means that person is utterly unaware (despite everything they see, hear and experence) that anyone else actually exists!!<br />
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You ask if you are blowing this out of proportion, and as others have already said, the answer is a resounding "NO!"<br />
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Your husband may still love you, in fact it is quite likely IMO that he does. But this is a love ba<x>sed on how you can meet his needs - not on a love where both partners have equal rights.<br />
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I expect he likes all the trappings of marriage - the care and support of a loving wife; the societal approval; etc. etc. without having any real interest (or possibly even understanding?) that marriage is a two way relationship.<br />
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As my partner Bazzar says, some people like to pick and choose which bits of the marriage contract they like and will adhere to, and which bits they don't like and thus will ignore. Seems like he wants a housekeeper, a support person and a friend - so having a wife on hand every day to do these things is a good thing. But he does not like intimacy or sexual relations with another person, so he chooses not to recognise these.<br />
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I doubt he is sufficiently self aware to be able to recognise these facts about himself - self obsessed people are NOT self aware by nature! This would explain why he doesn't understand that you have rights and needs too.<br />
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Take his anger, his distress and his sorrow with a LARGE grain of salt! None of this is about you - it is all about him. You only matter in the sense that you provide him with what he wants. Once you withdraw that, he is upset. This type of totally self absorbed distress is NO reason for you to feel guilty.<br />
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Feel sad that it didn't work out between you. Feel sad that he will never know the joys of a truly intimate relationship. Fewel sad that you have spent so much time and effort on a cause that has ultimately proved to be untreatable. But do NOT feel sad (or guilty!) about leaving him!

Enna, thank you, you've given me so much to think about with your insight. I do think he loves me too, and honestly that's why I think I decided all of a sudden to act- It hit me that maybe what I am asking of him is something he is not capable of being. It's baffling to me how he did not know how lonely or frustrated I felt. Just tonight he said I "should have done more" if sex was so important to me. All I did was talk to him and cajole, convince, beg, plead him to change this area and focus in his good side, all the wonderful things about our life. I worked hard alongside him to build this beautiful life and beautiful child and now he throws in my face that it all means nothing if I don't let him fix it. But in 3 moths, when I told him all he had to convince me of was that this will be different, and all he has 2 lousy counseling sessions and cialis? This is not different at all!

One of the things I am most amazed by, at least in my case, is the total lack of any realization on the part of my W that there could be anything wrong with not having any intimacy in our marriage. "What's the problem", she asks. "Are you really going to destroy our marriage over this", she demands? "There is not a problem, so no, I will not go to counseling with you", she screams. Really?

Ranfar, please read my reply to Daisy.

So similar to what I hear Ranfar: as if asking to have a real closeness or intimacy is asking too much. But I must call right after a flight and every few hours to check in and I must give a standing ovation that the dishwasher is loaded and he cooks since, duh, he works from home!

If your question is a poll question then the simple answer is "No".<br />
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Your relationship has to be exactly on his terms or not at all. That is just unfeasible, period. You are upset and he thinks you are being unreasonable. Oh the irony!<br />
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As an aside I wonder how many men out there are going to their doctors asking for presc<x>riptions for Vi*gra or Ci*lis for ED they don't have? Do you know for sure whether he has ED? Do you know whether he masturbates instead of having sex on tap?<br />
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Why ON EARTH does he prefer to sulk and pout and get angry instead of talking honestly with you? Can we have another poll? "Is SillyDaisy's husband a clueless or wilful plonker?" 😃

Haha, I needed the laugh. He does not have ED, but they are not sure what he has. He's never wanted sex, but yes, he watches **** and he does **** off.

There's your answer then. He doesn't have ED - he just has a basic lack of desire for you - maybe any real person. It's item #368 in the Refuser's Playbook to claim the ED excuse when it doesn't exist, nor is it even relevant.

Call a divorce lawyer. <br />
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I have a question: Does your husband know about the affairs?

No, he does not. He knows both men are friends of mine, and honestly, one was an affair, and other was a sometime hookup. Both these men are friends of mine, one has been for a long time. Why do you ask?

Oh and yes, we have consulted lawyers, we have a basic agreement on how to divvy up our assets and he is going to move out. He does sleep in another bedroom right now. The sad part was it was the being kicked out of bed part that bothered him the most.

I never wanted to hurt him, and I guess I shield as much as I can: I handle all ten bills, because debt and paying bills, deadlines freak him out. Seeing him in pain hurts me, but it seems he willfully ignored my pain for so many years. I am not a quiet person, so it's not like I kept my agony bottled up LOL.

I ask because I am always amazed at the people who cheat casually while simultaneously thinking their marriage can work. How do you know your husband does not know?

AS, I do not believe we are witnessing testimony of sincere efforts. You may be convinced but I am definitely not -- I am convinced of the oppostie. Once a person cheats, everybody in the sane world knows the marriage is dead and the couple must split. ---- By the way, when a married woman secretly has sex with someone other than her husband and describes it as striclty physical and expects the reader to brush the infidelity under the rug as part of her rebirth -- whatever that means, then casual is a polite description of what transpired.

Thank you! I was faithful for 6 years- in which there was No sex at all. Not Even once, it hurt him too much. My affair, with aman who is one of my best friends in the world today though we are no longer sleeping together, is what gave me the fire to push the hubby to the doctor. I took him there myself on the 3rd try and made him admit the truth to ten doctor to finally get help. But while the body can be cured, if he does not want me, I cannot make him. That's what affair #2 this year taught me. #2 also had a SM and he helped me recognize things that I avoided looking at. I am an optimist, in everything, and I actively manage my own happiness- ignoring my SM and focusing on the good in hubby and the life we built while I squandered my youth.

I wish I could "LIKE" this comment!

In any event, the marriage no longer exists with that scenario. He divorced her a long time ago, and did not inform her. Finding some happiness for fulfillment of a basic need is not "cheating".

I must say to some extent I've always believed that- that people cheat when there is something missing, and often it's stuff they can't even articulate. I was impulsive, then I convinced myself I was just scratching an itch. But the feeling of being valued, and being attractive and sexy became unbelievably addictive. I thought I could somehow transform the hubby into making me feel that way. Instead this year when he finally started making an effort, 9.5 yrs later, I felt repulsed. All that pent up resentment etc. and the fact that there is so much more wrong with us. I honestly believe we would have had more of an emotional connection and would not have drifted apart if we had been having sex. And now it feels too late: as he just said to me in one of our long, interminable nasty fights laced with insight "you had already mentally moved on. I just have to do the same now" .

Love the parade part especially

5 More Responses

You're NOT blowing it out of proportion. <br />
Welcome to ILIASM. We understand. Stick around, and read as many stories here as you can manage. Things will begin to become clearer.

Thank you, it means so much to know that I'm not being unreasonable and asking for too much. Everyone I know keeps telling me that chemistry and sex etc. is short lived, and friendship sustains a marriage- but we never had chemistry or sex. And I miss it, I want it and all this trying can't fix it, it just feels like more pressure.

Taking a line from Yoda, "There is 'DO' and there is 'DO NOT'. There is no 'TRY'."

How is he "trying" to fix the sexlessness,which has become intimacy-less, and even interaction-less marriage? Does he sit down and talk? Cuddle? Even if ED is a real problem, there are plenty of things he and you can do that do not require an erection. Is he bothering with any of that, or just complaining or making excuses, with the claim of "trying".

Cuddling is not an issue, nor is being held- it's just a lack of chemistry or attraction. It's like being held by your best friend. Talk, yes, sometimes, but it's mundane stuff. We don't share interests, and talking about this? Yeah he does not "want to talk about the last 9 yrs" talk about how we fix it now. I'm no expert but if you don't know what wentbwrong how do you undo the damage?