It's My Fault...sex Can Fix Everything?

It’s my fault. Well, at least I think it might be. We haven’t had sex since January and the year before maybe 4-5 times (maybe 6). After a sexless 10 year anniversary and a sexless 30th birthday I decided to quit trying. I have told her before, on several occasions, that I’m tired of always being told no so I am not going to try anymore, that usually lasted a few weeks to a month before I did try again. Like I’ve said before, my success rate is less than 5%, (if that sounds unreasonable, like it did when I first thought of it imagine this, 365 nights in the same bed of course I’m going to ‘try’ every 3ish days or 100 times a year so if we only had sex 5 times last year…well you know that I tried more than 100 times). Back to the point, it’s NOW my fault. I do feel bad; honestly, I feel like not trying is almost like telling her “I don’t want you.” She has recently become more verbally affectionate and we’ve had amicable conversations. Aside from last Friday when we were running behind an hour (and then she added 2 stops), we haven’t really fought. Admittedly, I did let into her about it, I voiced my frustration about being late and tacking on tasks (which she always adds “one more thing” as I have been saying for 12 years), she yelled back, defended herself, but in the end no one really ‘won’ we just kind of stopped worrying about it when we got there.

So, here’s the REALLY WEIRD thing…the last few nights (since Friday night, come to think about it), she has not come to bed when I’ve gone to bed and has slept on the couch. Right now she is asleep on the couch, I do plan to ‘wake’ her and tell her I’m headed to bed when I go. Maybe she’ll come, maybe she won’t, I don’t know…I don’t know if I care either. So, I guess maybe she’s either catching on, or maybe she’s done with me?! At this point it would be easier if I came home one night and her car was gone and she left me note that she was staying somewhere else; or if she was the one that went to a lawyer first and sprang divorce on me, I’m better on the defensive anyway (at least it’s ‘easier’). So again, maybe me being COMPLETELY uninterested in her has made her upset with me, maybe it is now my fault that my marriage is doomed to fail. I guess it’s at a point where I don’t really care about my marriage anymore, I just care about me…(well and of course my son, but that’s a given even before me).

Enough of me for now; this is my personal journal. I come back and read these when I ask myself why I want to leave, and think about ‘trying’ again. Even now I’m second guessing myself, there is so much more than a Sexless Marriage that’s wrong, but at the same time there is so much that Sex in a Marriage can make right…
inmytime inmytime
31-35, M
5 Responses May 9, 2012

She is now sleeping on the couch as well. Your marriage is done. Seek legal advice.<br />
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Take the initiative and move her stuff in the spare room if you have one or in the lounge room where she now chooses to sleep. Tell her that it is obvious she no longer requires the bedroom so you need the space for your belongings.<br />
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Present her with the bill for her actions and demand she pay up.<br />
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Stay Strong & Goodluck

Get a divorce. <br />
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Sorry, I had to stop reading your post when I got to the word WON because it is clear that your marriage is total dysfunction and you are in denial. <br />
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We all know how you feel. We are all watching a slow train wreck and you are riding it!

I have a hypothesis for you. It hinges upon the whole dysfunctional marriage indeed being ALL YOUR FAULT. That it is YOU who have run it into the ditch, YOUR actions that have driven your poor spouse into her intimacy averse position.<br />
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Let us assume that this is indeed the "why". YOU and YOUR behaviours.<br />
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Think on it. <br />
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Think hard on it.<br />
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You might conclude in this hypothesis, that the key outcome remains constant. That being that she is intimacy averse to you. This is, of course the exact same outcome as we have explored before. And, it will be the self same outcome when you look at it from any angle, any viewpoint, any aspect. SHE IS INTIMACY AVERSE TO YOU.<br />
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That is the fact of the matter.<br />
That is what you have to deal with. That is the key driver to your obligation of choice.<br />
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Your spouse is intimacy averse to you.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Exactly! If it is indeed "all your fault" then you are being remarkably foolish in nt doing "anything" to fix it! Does that sound absurd? It should! Because it IS absurd!
IF you could "fix" it, I'm sure you would - or at least give it a red hot go. So why, if this is happening, isn't it "fixed"? Could it be because it is NOT "all your fault" . . . . ?????

I have a question - if the sexlessness never changed, would you still stay? If you lived in this marriage with no sex for the rest of your life, what would that do to you over time?

it would probably make me a cheater

As a kid, did you ever watch Tom and Jerry or Wile E Coyote and Roadrunner? Your evolving story, journal, somehow reminds me of those. Ignoring the fact, of course, that all the character protagonists were male and not being able to figure which character you or your wife fits into best.<br />
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Under different circumstances it might even be funny. Instead, it sounds sad for both of you. I hope you get things sorted out one way or another, sooner rather than later. If there is nothing else figuratively left at the end, your sanity would be a nice thing to keep I think, both yours and hers.