Just Need Advice From Either Women Or Men. I'm Thinking About Leaving, But I Don't Have A Way To Support Myself And Will Have To Move Back In With My Parents.

No sex, no friendship,, nothing.. Just going through the motions of a marriage. He was physically abusive in the past, but now he is only verbally abusive! It's not a healthy situation. He tells ms the only reason I'm here is so he can spend time with his daughter. He says otherwise he would throw me
Out, An update- I'm visiting family on may 20th... He will be joining me. He will be staying the weekend then returning to tx. I'm planning on staying with my family in Pa for a while, if not god good. This will be hard for me ... I have left him in the past only to end up returning a few months later. When I think back on the times where he physically touched me I cry. It makes me sad. If i ask him if he ever hit me he says no. He lies. The most he will admit to is that he tapped me in the past, but he says he was joking. I kow im not perfect. I can honestly admit that im a better mother than i am wife. The first time was back when We moved in together. He was Parking my car and i was explaining to him not to hit the tires.. I guess i was annoying him So he snaked me across the face... I cried and cried and cried... No one ever hit me in my face. I called my sister and she said she would kick his ***... The next time he choked me. We were lying in bed ibwas trying to tell him something... He was tired and asked me to stop talking. I continued talking and the next thing I knew he was imnsho of me choking me . I cried as he apologized. He went to sleep I stated awake thinking. There were a few more physical incidences afterwards. I'm not a fighter, but one time he made me so mad I kicked him back. He chased me down the street and threw me out of our apartment. The next thing I knew he was helping me look for my own apt. A few months later we got engaged... I was extactic . I was getting married! But it continued... Then I got pregnant, so we planned a wedding in 3 months. During my pregnancy he never hit me, but he got angry, so hit hit walls and kicked doors. After pregnancy, he only hit me one last time.. He is not that bad and I know things could be worse... We have been together for 5 years, this has been my longest relationship... We were in love .. There were good times in our relationship... Ever relationship has moments that are not picture perfect. I am very appreciative of the comments and concerns that I received. Sometimes it's hard to talk to someone you know because they will judge you.. My best friend know the situation, but she is going through her own issues too. Thank you all for your continual community love and support!
Littlefeet1 Littlefeet1
26-30
16 Responses May 9, 2012

hang on, you married him AND had a baby with him AFTER he hit you? ...why?

you 2 weren't in love - you may have been in love with him, but he didn't love you. if he did, he wouldn't have laid a finger on you, no matter how "annoying" you were being.

in addition to that, have you considered what effect this is having on your daughter? statistics show that children with an abusive parent are more likely to either become an abuser themselves or put up with abuse in a relationship.

& if that's not enough, it could get worse STILL - he could choke you for a while too long, or hit you a little too hard in the wrong place, & your daughter may be forced to grow up without her mother.

basically, it was a huge **** up on your part. but what you need to do now is get yourself & (more importantly) your daughter out of that situation - focus on the future. & the futures not going to be bright if you're living with him.

you're still young - you'll find your own feet!

once a abuser/refuser always a abuser/refuser...<br />
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they never change. <br />
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don't believe his lies..... oh ill change, oh I'm sorry,<br />
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truth is.... he could care less, and guess what?<br />
<br />
he does ! <br />
<br />
he wants, a volunteer to abuse, to project his anger upon... instead of him self... <br />
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<br />
GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE!

Sweety -Please get out now. Ive been there and abuse only gets worse. I hid out with my son, and my boyfriend took his life... he may have taken me our our son with him. Please put you and your daughter first.. It takes courage. I believe you can do it.

Omg. I'm sorry to hear that happened. Thankfully you were able To get out before he hurt you

I 've been in this situation a couple of times and the first thing I did was to make a plan to get as far away as possible. Maybe to another city or state, find social services and shelters there. It might be better to make a fresh start where no one knows you.

Yes I Definately need a plan. So far I know I'm leaving for Pa later this month. I will be flying with my daughter and husband. He will be staying the weekend in Pa for my sisters graduation, then returning back to tx. Since I'm not working I will be staying in Pa for as long as I want. I told him I want a divorce and some days he agrees other times he said you can't takenmy daughter away from me. I will try to make a life in Pa again and stay, but it going to be tough... I know he will beg me to come back for whatever reasons..

Also you are so brave to just leave and go to a new city. I would be terrified. I don't really have that independent personality.

oh he is also going to pa with u ? i thought u were leaving him ...

Yeah he is coming to Pa for the graduation. I am.. I'm planning on staying in Pa for good. He will be syating for the weekend then returning to tx

1 More Response

Seriously sweety run. You stated you have good parents. One day when he is out take your child and go to your mums.<br />
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From there visit a divorce lawyer and claim what is yours. You will have the support of your parents believe me on this speaking as a dad of two girls myself if a husband/boyfriend abused them the same way i would be ropeable. There would be no saving this loser. I bet its the same for your dad. Run to them.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck<br />
<br />
Stay

Thank you. I told my dad the last time he roughed me. Mt dad had a talk with him and he said he would never do it again. He hasn't hit me since then, but he has threatened. And punched doors. I just wish I never got in this situation in the first place.. Im going to leave in the near future, and I'm going to try and stay away.. I'm not sure about divorce though. He is from another country and I don't think he will be able to work here if he isn't married to a citizen or sponsored by a company.

I wish you all the best. Do it for your sake and your childs sake. Regarding Divorce that's up to you i however dont understand why its your problem to feel sorry for him if he gets deported. However the choice is yours.

Stay Strong &amp; Good Luck

if anything get some type of support from him or the gov. he has no choice but to support the child... its law... he may run off back to the country he is from to get out of supporting u and the child..

he turned to verbal abuse cause he got caught with the physical abuse,<br />
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he too is running scared...<br />
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that is why he turned to verbal abuse, it doesn't leave blk n blue marks on skin..<br />
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run, ur life..... ur child's life, depends on it ...

I'm going to Pa later this month....

oh good please keep us imformed (((hugs)))

Depriving your daughter of her father may be the very BEST thing you can do for her.<br />
These are the things that WILL happen if you stay with him.<br />
<br />
She will live in fear.<br />
She will learn to hate her father.<br />
She will disrespect you because you don't stand up for yourself.<br />
She will try to defend you - and thus get caught up in the fights.<br />
She will think all marriages are like this.<br />
She will learn to avoid men - OR she will use her sexuality far too freely because she does not attach its significance to love and respect.<br />
<br />
Things that might happen:<br />
<br />
She might get married - if so, her partner is VERY likely to be someone just like her Dad - so she will repeat the tragedy that is your marriage.<br />
She might develop depression or other mental illness from the stress<br />
She might get injured.<br />
She might get killed. . . . . .<br />
<br />
Liking Tx is not relevant. If you have to move to the North Pole you should do so! Your daughter is your first responsibility - and this is closely followed by your responsibility to yourself.

You have such good points.. It's so hard... I feel like I wasted the past five years of my life by being in this situation. I failed. And will have to start over. I want to leave.. I'm going to leave later this month. I can tell She loves her dad. Your comments are very true.. Sometimes I think I
Married my father. Although my father never hit my mother, he did spank me and my second sister. I remember being slightly afraid of him when I was younger. I don't want my baby to have to be afraid of anyone.

Go go go!!!<br />
<br />
If you can record what he is doing you will have evidence, particularly if he puts on a different face in public. Your best friend could get you a tape device, maybe. Or maybe the police can help.<br />
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Either way GET OUT OF THERE ASAP. You AND your daughter are in SERIOUS danger. Do NOT think he will NOT turn on yoru daughter too. He was good to you at the beginning too, was he not?<br />
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This man is severely abusive, and there have been women AND children killed by men like your husband.<br />
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Let us all know when you are in a safe place so we know you are ok.<br />
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And get that restraining order!!!! He may come after you at your parent's place!!!

Omg he was so kind in the beginning... Mild tempered.. Soft spoken... Just like he acts around others..,

Ijist don't want to get cops involved..

I'm flying home for my sisters graduation on may 20. My husband and my daughter will be joining me. I have left before... It's just that I came back.. I really want to leave and all of your comments are so helpful.. I am overwhelmed with the number of responses and concerned people in this community. I will definately be leaving. I packed my daughters things and I will be packing my things, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay. I won't have anything if I return.. No car, no job no apartment, so I'll be living with my parents... Also... He was not born here so I think if we get a divorce he will have to return to his country and I wouldn't want that to happen because he would never see our daughter.

Littlefeet, the why does not matter. The only thing that matters is THAT he is abusive, not why he is abusive. If the truth is he is abusive because his brain is hardwired that way, does it change the fact that he is abusive? No. Why doesn't change anything about what you are having to deal with. I will pm you more later.

I know... You should have seen him when we first met.. I think things were different because we didn't live together... But he also gave up talking to his father in order to marry me. Ever since we got married they haven't spoken... So I feel really bad our relationship has fallen apart

No, your situation is not normal. <br />
You are in danger, because he might forget or stop caring that he would be arrested.<br />
Research online for "verbal abuse" or "domestic abuse". <br />
Get thee to a shelter. <br />
Yes, if you blow the whistle, your child might be taken into care *temporarily* - that might be the safest thing for her. <br />
But if you do nothing, you are both in physical danger and being subject to emotional abuse. <br />
You don't want your daughter to grow up in this environment.<br />
Take care ...

Thank you. I think I will go to my parents. It will be difficult... I have grown to like living in tx. My daughter and I have our daily routine which we enjoy very much. But I think it will be best to leave

Sorry my dear for what you are going through but your first and last priority is your daughter<br />
A man who treats a woman this way cannot be a good father.<br />
Reach out to family and friends<br />
Protect yourselves by informing all of the type of sick man he is<br />
Let the School know that her father does not have permission to take her home.<br />
If he threatens you in anyway straight to the Police and perhaps-as was suggested-find a woman's shelter.<br />
God Bless you and your precious little girl..

Thank you. He is kind to my daughter when he spends time with her. He spends about 30 mins a day with her. Comes home from work eats dinner watches tv spends 30 mins with her then sleeps in the other room.

I want to leave.. I really do... I tried leaving before... And it's the same story.. I'm sorry I will never do it again.... I will go to counseling... But nothing ever changed.

Thats so sad, you need to go back home or a friend or try getting a job so that you can be independent. Good luck

I do need a job. I have been out since my baby was born

Tell me about it, I had one after the other and havent had a full time job in 3 years. part time here and there but its very hard to find a good paying FT job.

Thank you...i have a few friends. My best friend knows about everything... She wants me to leave. Parents are good too. I told them about him hitting me. They said if he touches me again have him arrested. The physical abuse stopped. But verbal continues.. Is this normal? Do other people experience being told "I'll kill you" you are so worthless, you are a loser, you are nothing, you aren't ****, I'll kill you, *****, ... Sounds crazy as I'm typing this... But do other husbands get mad and start screaming and shouting those words?<br />
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I know I can always go back to my parents, but I'd feel like I was taking mt daughter away from her dad. We live in tx and my parents live in Pa.

No. That is not normal. He is abusive. He needs you to leave him so he can stop taking his brokenness out on you and have to face being abusive so he can deal with it. As long as you are there he gets to keep abusing you and taking out his wretchedness on you. That lets him avoid having to deal with his own ****. You are his punching bag. Leaving him FOR GOOD and taking your daughter will make it stop. Nothing else will, no matter how sincere he sounds.

NO, it's not normal. A person you trust and love and reciprocates would not say those things, under any circumstance, ever.

I can't speak for other husbands. But I don't talk that way, and I don't hit either. WAY out of bounds. You should take your daughter away from him. He will simply teacher her to be attracted to that kind of man in the future. Get outta there!

Your daughter will learn that it is ok for women to be hit and yelled at if you accept it. Get out for you and your child's sake.

No. If he is abusing you taking your daughter out of the situation is the best thing you can do for her.

Why do men act like this? Is he cheating or something? It's like he walks around here doing whatever he wants and I don't have a say. If I say something he doesn't agree with he will instantly get upset with me and go in the other too
And lock the door. Or tell me to leave him alone or he will hurt me and I will regret it

This is my worst fear.. My worst fear

I know.. I'm going to try and do this

Ok thank u

I know... I just have to leave.. The last time he hit me (the time he was holding my daughter) i went to my parents. I stayed there for about a month, but went back because he said he would change and go to counseling. He never went to counseling, but he hasn't hit me since. He will still say hurtful words to me.

omg... why care if ur taking her away from a abusive father.....do it now before u file for divorce..... or u may find ur self having to stay in texas, since ur husband lives in texas

Yeah.. He says o just can't take her away.. But I'm going to leave

9 More Responses

Unless your parents are as bad as he is, I am not sure what your alternatives are. As Baz says search out support groups for abused women and single-parent mothers. Consider getting some game-plan together about your practical future that might help your parents accept that you are acting correctly and responsibly. You have a responsibility to your daughter as well as yourself. It's going to be tough, no getting away from it. Friends, other relations who you can share your thoughts with?<br />
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PS. If you have already contacted support services, don't be afraid of contacting them again. They have seen and heard it all and then some more. If you act demonstrably responsibly then your fears will probably prove groundless. However, you MUST demonstrate you can look after yourself and your child, no matter what help you get in doing it.

RUN!!!!!!!!! <br />
<br />
If all else fails, suck it up and visit a local church.

Pick up phone.<br />
Call local womens shelter<br />
If no such resource, call mum.<br />
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Get out.<br />
<br />
Today.<br />
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Tread your own path.

Last year my husband hit me in the face while he was holding our 6 month old daughter... I called a hotline last year to discuss this with someone. They sent child protective services to my apartment and said my child was in danger... They opened a case against my husband. I got scared and told child protective services this was not my intentions, but they said they still had to report him hitting me. I was so scared they would take my child I just said he "tapped my arm". To make it go away.