Just More Of The Same 'ol Same 'ol

I am so tired of the same old talk that never goes anywhere. I'm at the point that I dont try to initiate anything anymore. Nothing good ever comes from it. All it does is cause more ripples in an already unstable situation. My wife blames our lack of sex on our lives. We live in New Jersey where it is very expensive to live, so we both work full time. We have 2 children under 10yrs old and do not have ANY help with them. They are ALWAYS home with the exception of school. We do have a reliable babytsitter, but she is expensive and will only come to our house, we cant take them to her's. So, the demands of that really take their toll. We love them so much and try to hard with them that it leaves us burnt out. During the week, we dont sit down til maybe 10PM once they're in bed and house cleaned up.
I would like this time to be our time where we can share intimate time together. She has told me that she feels like we( meaning us and the kids) are alone on an island with nobody to help us but ourselves. Sadly this is not far from the truth, but why does she insist on pushing me away? I am not looking for sex everyday, maby 1 or 2 times a week depending on how things are. She says that she is sorry, that she cant be there for me like I want her to be. She tells me to stop feeling so rejected, being a baby and to stop taking the "no sex" so personally. She also says that it's not like I cant have an ******, I can go ********** whenever I want. She just does not get it. She hopes that things will get easier and we can catch up with eachother when they're older and not as demanding.
Another excuse is the fear of getting pregnant again. She cancelled my vasectomy procedure on me saying its a mortal sin in the Catholic church. But it is also against God's will to deny your spouse sexual fulfillment time and time again. She has nothing to say about that. So, there is some kind of sex, once every 6 to 8 weeks or so, when she allows it. Always rushed. Took her to a nice B&B for our anniversary, put no pressure on her, no sex, nada, zip.
This is my sad situation. Not the life I dreamed about growing up. Then again, who really ever gets that. I am definately depressed over this. My kids see it, my co-workers see it. I dont really have many friends, but the ones I do see it. I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. I'm staying for my kids, and as pathetic as it sounds, staying out of fear of being alone and called a failure. I am just an empty shell of what I used to be. I feel dead inside. My wife could have been my healer, but instead chose to let me wither and die.
highonstress highonstress
31-35, M
14 Responses May 9, 2012

Consult a Good Divorce Lawyer, then tell her your sorry while throwing her *** out.<br />
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Afraid of getting pregnant. What a load of shi..t she is feeding you. Why the hell did she get married. Really now i've heard everything.<br />
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Stay Strong & Good Luck

Your stories invariably seem to attract a lot of comments. That is testament to your ability to impart what you are going through in a manner the ILIASM group can identify with.<br />
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Said comments over your run of stories have put a number of different viewpoints to your situation, and assorted alternative choices you could make. <br />
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Have any of the viewpoints resonated with you ? Have you tried any of the suggested alternative choices ?<br />
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Tread your own path.

HOS, you have been a member here for over three and a half years. Your membership number is in the two thousands. There are now well over twenty thousand members. I think these facts are telling you something . . . <br />
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Over those years you have had the occasional time when it looked as if things were changing for the better - but that never lasted. You are a YOUNG man - when will you recognise that "same ol', same old" is NOT going to get you anywhere??<br />
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Time for some serious ACTION my friend - or you will still be here when the membership reaches fifty thousand!

Wow! That a new one! At least for me. She cancels YOUR medical appointment so SHE can be assured of having another reason to refuse having sex. I bet if you said that you had an appointment to have yourself rendered an eunuch she would have said "Sounds just dandy be me. Do you want me to come hold your hand?"<br />
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And as for having a vasectomy being a "mortal sin", what the hell is that actually supposed to mean in plain man's English? I mean, I suppose that it is possible that there are fatalities as a result of vasectomies but the statistics must be pretty insignificant or you would never hear the end of it. In any event I'll bet they are nothing like the figures for deaths from the complications of pregnancy and yet the Roman Catholic Church has absolutely zilch to say about that except "It is God's divine will".<br />
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All religions seem to vie with one another for being the control freaks to end all control freaks and it is sad to say the Roman Catholic Church is not what it used to be in those terms but they do still like to try to control and **** around with people minds. They're nothing as soft as those Anglicans are these days although they seem to be making a return in the chest-beating stakes these days.<br />
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I have a radical idea, how about your wife looks at her life, at your life, at your life together, how your behaviour affects one another, how your thinking affects one another and say "we'll decide what is right for us". Mind you, that would be a tad inconvenient wouldn't it? As an atheist I clearly don't know, or for that matter much care, but I had been led to believe it was permissible to believe in God without giving a flying crap what the RC Church or any other religious sect thought about the matter. Have I been misled all these years?<br />
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Your wife not only does not want to have sex much now, or probably much at any time in the future, but also is making misrepresentations about the subject. It's funny when you reflect on it, but your natural instincts are much older than the church, or for that matter Jesus Christ but apparently that is an irrelevancy.

"I feel dead inside. My wife could have been my healer, but instead chose to let me wither and die."<br />
You are totally responsible for your life, so take responsibility for your life! Are your children happy, that their dad dead inside? And slowly emotionally dying ? How many years more you are going to wait? Wait for what exactly? She will not get better... You will get worse... Sex is health. Think about what is good for you, if nobody else is bothered...

you definitely need an out. Maybe turn your kids into a positive outlet, take them to the park, play games, get out of the house? Find a cheaper solution to your expensive problem? Your wife is shifting blame and she needs to recognise you both have different needs and should be understanding. Using religion as an excuse to your medical operation is pretty telling, she'll be less a reason to say no to sex if the operation were to be done. You need to follow your bliss and separate yourselves from a desperate situation. Its always hard but change will set you free man!

Get a vasectomy! When procreating isn't a possibility, (looming menacingly over your bed) your wife may surprise you with her lustiness!

This reminds me of a joke: What do they call people who use the rhythm method? Answer: Parents. Zing!<br />
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I should know, I am a rhythm method baby! <br />
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I have some solutions for you. The may or may not work. You probably have tried all you know to do. But these will help you know that you did everything in your power. <br />
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- Find a more liberal catholic church. When a churches ideas literally destroy marriages? Well, let's just say it is easier to change churches than wives. <br />
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- How old are your kids? Put them to bed earlier if you need more time in your night. If they don't like it, tough! My folks made me go to bed at 8:30 when I was little, 9:00 when I was older, then 9:30 and so on and so forth. I remember sometimes I was not tired. So I'd listen to the radio quietly or read. <br />
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- If finances are the problem, then do something - sell your cars and buy cheaper used ones. Driving nice cars at the expense of your happiness is no bargain. If possible, do the same with your house. Do what you can in this area. <br />
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- If you are alone in New Jersey, you can fix it in two ways: 1) find and make good friends...the kind of friends that become extended family. This takes time, but I know I've always been able to create a family of friends no matter where I went. I know this is harder once you have kids...but I think it is possible. OR, 2) Move. Sounds like she does not like it there. I do not recommend this option if you happy with your job, UNLESS you can line up another job in a cheaper place that is closer to your/her family. <br />
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I do think it would be worth it to examine these options. If they do not work, then at least you will know that you did all you could. Speaking from experience, that is worth a lot.

"I am just an empty shell of what I used to be. I feel dead inside. My wife could have been my healer, but instead chose to let me wither and die."<br />
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Boy that is exactly how I feel. And since I haven't figured out how to fix my marriage I will not advise you on yours. If therapy is not an option perhaps your priest? If not for both of you then perhaps for you yourself.<br />
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My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

Others above have covered the refuser aspect. <br />
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Taking your wife's ob<x>jections at face value ... you said ... "My wife blames our lack of sex on our lives. We live in New Jersey where it is very expensive to live, so we both work full time. We have 2 children under 10yrs old and do not have ANY help with them. They are ALWAYS home with the exception of school. We do have a reliable babytsitter, but she is expensive and will only come to our house, we cant take them to her's." <br />
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Do you know any other young couples with kids the same age? Can you team up and arrange to take turns hosting a movie night, games night, sleepover party or whatever for all the kids? Leaving the other couples with a free evening? <br />
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Just a thought...

I am sorry, it's indescribably cruel. Does she realize that this is how couples drift apart. That down the line all you will have is the kids, nothing else common between the 2 of you? I only have one child, and yes, I have no help either. But our drift started before our child: I assumed things would get better, small steps, no pressure. Now when he's ready to try, it's too late for me. I feel nothing and cannot even force myself to go through the motions. It's neglect, and depending on the extent of the neglect, over time and the threshold of the people involved it will corrode your connection. You need to make her realize the now.

I used to say stay for the kids no matter what. I filed for divorce in March, I guess everyone has their limit and I hope my kids will forgive me one day. Our life is very similar to what you describe with both of us working full time, but if two people truly love one another they will find the time and make the effort to be intimate and express love in a meaningful and physical way. Stress and burnout is just an excuse, you know this because when you take her out of the home environment there is still no intimacy exactly as it is/was in my marriage. Its just a lot easier to say "not tonight honey, I'm too tired/stressed/burnt out" than it is to say "While you are useful to have around, I don't feel that way for you and your feelings are not terribly important to me and not worth even a minimum of effort."

I'm wondering if you can start telling yourself some different stories here. You do have a choice about that. You have given the power to your wife when you say that she chose to let you wither and die. Try saying to yourself - that you have let yourself wither and die. Not nice is it? And you can tell yourself some more enabling stories too, how you can make positive changes for yourself, regardless of what she does.<br />
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And the good news is, that sooner or later, your power and your unconscious will start to raise the stakes, whatever you think you've decided. Until the pain and desperation outweighs the fear. The bad news is that you may have a high pain threshold so you will waste maximum time.<br />
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Can I do a translation for you of some things in your middle para, which were 24 carat playbook droppings and putdowns:<br />
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"She is sorry" - but not willing to do anything, tough ****<br />
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"She can't be there for you" - she won't be there for you<br />
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"Stop feeling so rejected" - classic invalidation of feelings, anyone who's been on the end of this knows that the "refusal is not a rejection line" knows nothing.<br />
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"being a baby" - and even more revolting put down of an adult<br />
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"stop taking it so personally" - how else should you take the fact that your partner and helper isn't - in practice - willilng to lift a little finger, and does not love you as a verb?<br />
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"she doesn't like you can't have an ******" - oh, such sympathy; but won't help!!!!!<br />
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"I can go ********** whenever I want" - HOW gracious!!!! What a marvellous solution. And actually the reason is, she feels guilty and wants that to go away.<br />
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"She just does not get it" - actually she does, but isn't willing to do anything about it, she's got what suits her.<br />
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"things will get easier.. when they're older and not as demanding" - when we're dead.

We are absolutely in the same sinking boat, The money, the help, the kids, the island I so understand how you feel.<br />
Best of luck, don't despair, easier said than done I know.