I Am Losing Myself!

After 21 yrs of marriage the last 2 with NO SEX I am really at a cross roads. Even the 19 previous yrs there was not the intimacy I crave. I re-read a journal I wrote 10yrs ago, crying myself to sleep because I was so baffled by his actions or shall I say lack of. I thought he might have some deep seeded issues with Intimacy, I thought it was ME and thatI had gained weight or aged a bit?
I am now realizing after a week long trip to Florida and NO SEX maybe a kiss here and there--that I have got to take care of ME. I am so self consious, feel regected, no self esteem!
I think some of our issues stemmed from me being the "bread winner" have been at my job almost 30 yrs and him nothing stable. It doesnt bother me, except he gambles what he makes. I know he has some depression, and feeling "unworthy" . I used to think I will leave when our daughter was out of HS, well she moved out and is on with her life and ours changed for the worse. He started sleeping on the couch, says his back hurt fron our bed ( whatever ) I am still here in same situation. I could go on and on-- bottom line is I am empty, I feel cheated, I dont feel like a Woman--- , I love him but not sure if things will change. We have never tried counseling? I know he loves me his way but I am losing myself. I just turned 49, i dont feel that old, I am just numb from living with no intimacy. Any advice is great :) sorry for babbling on !
dolcevita1 dolcevita1
46-50, F
16 Responses May 9, 2012

I could write almost the same words only about my wife. Let me know what happens.

I know how you feel. good luck

Lots of good advice above, especially the questions about what your husband contributes to the marriage.<br />
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You may not yet be at the point where you've "tried everything" - I note you've not tried marriage counseling. ILIASM members have mixed opinions about MC, but I suspect your husband will probably refuse to go. You can tick that box (and any others you might want to try). <br />
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I think 2 years is enough time to wait for the situation to sort itself out. I waited an additional 10 years - don't do that. <br />
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And as Enna said, keep reading. Things will become clearer with every story.

He’s not going to change so you need to. Get out there and find a new life. Shop around find the guy that’s right for you. Someone how will make you feel like a woman. To me a 49 year old woman is just the right age.

You described it well -- numb from no intimacy. I am a male, with a lifetime of experience, wondering if there is a woman with libido anywhere who knows that some men also want intimacy as an environment for anything physical that just might happen some day. Sex, yes, but not just sex. Am reading "Mating in Captivity" a second time. Recommend it.

unload that jerk. He is weighing you down. You deserve to have the life you want and trust me Ive been thinking my husband would change... only gets worse..sorry but its the reality. I have been workinig on my exit this last year. Best wishes to you

Wow- thanks all, I don't feel so alone I didn't realize how many of us have gone through this similar situation.

Don't blame yourself! In my marriage of 20 plus years, the last ten lacked sex because my wife was getting her highs from drugs and alcohol. I did not suspect the drugs until she recently got busted on the job and is currently in rehab. I had been patient, blamed my self for her lack of interest, hoped each night in my separate bedroom that tomorrow things would change. I realize now, it is unwise to put off confronting the spouse who prefers living in denial. Access to intimacy is your right in marriage as is your right to breathe air and have security. Your partner is breaking your marriage contract to "love honor and cherish". Don't be afraid to get eye contact with him and make your case for necessary change in your life. Life is too short to be naive - as I have been for so long. Wishing you the best of life with your own soul mate soon - who really loves you.

Seek legal advice before you leave. This could cost you a pretty penny since you are the main bread winner.<br />
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Alternatively you could stop supporting his *** until he decides to fulfill his husbandly responsibilities.<br />
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I also like Ron's idea.<br />
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Seriously though you need to make a choice. All 3 choices of the above are quite valid options. All 3 choices carry repercussions.<br />
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You need to ***** which repercussion of that choice you can best deal with.<br />
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Stay Strong & Goodluck

Damn girl .....you have been draggin all that around for 30 years. You have more patience then my wife....

dolcevita1<br />
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I feel your pain as I am much like you. Great advice above me here, all you need to know is already said. <br />
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Perhaps one piece of advice for you is to control that which you can, worry not about that you do not control. Find yourself, read here and other places. Connect with friends, perhaps travel a bit on your own. Find yourself first then face the task in front you.<br />
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Good Luck!!

Join the club! I'm totally disgusted also....Thinking about leaving...

This reads pretty typically.<br />
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Lack of sex is the symptom, the core issue is a disengaged, intimacy averse spouse. Possibly the gambling addiction is the core "why", but that does not matter hugely. For that is an issue over which you have no control in any event. The outcome is that he is intimacy averse to you.<br />
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Your choice is stark and simple (I said "simple, NOT "easy")<br />
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You are going to stay for more of the same<br />
or<br />
You ain't.<br />
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Choice time.<br />
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Choice is a *****, but no-one gets a pass. No-one.<br />
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Tread your own path<br />
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PS. Have had some experience in a similar situation if you want to shoot me a pm anytime.

Believe it or not but this is probably as much your falt as his.I feal for you.I've seen it before you close the door and leave the world behind.You want it your way .Let your guard down be voulurable show your man what love is..Love is not a fealing but an act of your will.Don't forget that

I `feal' that you haven't the first clue of the issues here and should think twice before you comment in such a clueless, nonsensical manner.

I second both Genguy and Skippy.

Pack your stuff and leave him. <br />
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Better yet! Pack his stuff, throw it all out on the curb, change the locks and spray-paint My Husband Refused To Fvck Me For x Years on the garage door.

OMG... I wish I could like this 10 times at least... lol

First bit of advice is to read, read, READ the many stories and forum posts here. There are many people who know exactly what you are feeling, what you have lived through and how desperate it makes you feel. By reading here, and posting too,you will learn a lot about sexless marriage. This will help you make informed decisions about your future.