When She Wants It, How She Wants It The Way She Wants It...

I'm very frustrated with my sex life, my love life, my marrige! I wish I could connect with my wife but I just don't feel it anymore. I have tried everything I know to do. The romantic notes, flowers, dinner, breakfast in bed, books, sex toys, counseling, date night, back & foot rubs, massage and spa gifts, etc... We have been married for 22 years this past week and the last 7 or 8 have been terrible! We don't fight that would mean we actually would have to talk to each other...God forbid. She does nothing to try to spice things up at all. I have asked, suggested, left notes, recommended books, everything to no response or a muted one. When we do have sex it's all about her, 30 to 40 minutes of foreplay to get her ready, 5 to 10 minutes of massage or toy interaction to get her near the edge, then she usually states " I want you in me but hurry I won't last much longer" to which I comply but then when she does... I don't and then she ask why? WHY... I feel like a plumber who just unclogged a drain! Why really Why... I am so frustrated I can't stand it! There is to more to life than this isn't it? All I ever wanted was someone to hold who wanted to hole me back and be my romantic partner in life. that is all. I don't need fancy cars or a big house. I just wanted to be loved and made to feel special once in a while. Sex is important but it is not everything. I wish I could find that special moment just one more time. That look in someone's eye that says it is all OK, the touch of someone who makes feel alive. Please tell me if that's to much to ask for? I may not be a prince but I like to know someone things I'm worthy of being loved like one even when I'm a jackass. Thanks for letting me share.
NCSun NCSun
46-50, M
7 Responses May 10, 2012

That sounds like you are doing an awful lot of work to get her into the moment sexually with you. <br />
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I am all for lengthy passionate sexual encounters. I am also all for quick passionate sexual encounters. What you describe doesn't sound so much like passion as it does work. <br />
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An hour for sex that feels like you just completed a chore and need to leave behind an invoice for labor is what my math adds your story up to. With kids, careers, lives etc I bet that kind of time doesn't just appear often and you are less motivated to make that time happen. <br />
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I wish I could say I know the solution because I am a woman but I don't. With perhaps the exception of finding someone who is passionate about you. People marry who they choose to marry for lots of reasons. Often it isn't about passion. <br />
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In truth marriage isn't always about passion. The daily grind takes over and sometimes things fall routine. But you've tried changing the routine and it hasn't worked. To be honest you don't sound so passionate about her anymore either... Kind of exhausted. <br />
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Let me tell you something... The thing about the grass on the other side of the fence is this... When you first cross the fence it looks green compared to where you just came from, sure. But keep walking and the scenery reveals itself as more than green: colorful flowers, blooming vines, grass that is both vibrant and deep green of different heights and shades. You get to choose whether to stop here and enjoy the experience or keep going to see what else is there once you get out. You may find patches of brown again but you know what you are looking at when you see brown and so you keep walking now. <br />
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There is greener grass out there. As long as you are behind your fence though it is all brown.

Be your own plumber. Plumb yourself before assisting small children or infirm people. I am not joking at all.

Ask yourself this. Is the way she exploits you in bed fundamentally different from the dynamics of the relationship outside it? What age are your children? Do they find the dynamics of their relationship with their mother to be completely different from that between their mother and their father? What is the prospect that if/when you leave they might say "Don't leave us behind!"

Thanks to all who responded. <br />
I have a lot of things I need to work through. The fear of alienating my children, the ability to provide a safe place for them comes to mind first. The fear of rejection, you know the whole "grass isn't always greener" thing. I wish it was easier than that but I think the first thing is overcoming the fear issues. It might be easier if I still didn't care for and love her. But the writing has been on the wall, I just refused to see it. <br />
Thanks for your input...Please feel free to keep your thoughts and suggestions coming. I know I can use a good kick in the rear!

Fear is good - use it to keep you safe, not to keep you in purgatory because it might be better than hell. Hell comes to those that wait long enough!

Having established the fact that what you are looking for in the relationship is fair, reasonable and NORMAL (and usually exactly what the other spouse wants too), you now need to confront another fact.<br />
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That such connection ain't going to happen in THIS relationship.<br />
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You can stay in it, eating **** sandwiches (which she might even toast for you at times - but they'll still be **** sandwiches) - OR -<br />
- not.<br />
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Your choice.<br />
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Tread your own path.

What you are asking for is reasonable, normal and good. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Sorry for the typo's It should be hold & Thinks.