Finally Figuring It Out

Of course I'm living in a similar situation or I would never have found this forum! Everyone seems to agree that living in a sexless relationship with no intimacy is devastating to ones self esteem, let alone to the marriage itself. I've lived feeling this way for 27 married years now. I'm wondering how and when you all realized that this lack of sex and intimacy is what was really wrong with you. The reason why you were feeling so bad. Because if I could go back and realize where my changes in self esteem were coming from, I think I would have maybe done things differently. Like realized it was him hurting me and get out of the marriage. Every time I said anything to my husband about it, he of course denied that anything was wrong. And worse yet, he told me I was blowing things up, making problems, etc. I told him about how my friends said their relationships were and he told me my friends were all lying to me! That of course eventually made me feel even worse. Now I realized I didn't even have good friends...thanks to him!! I would refer to something I read in a magazine or book or website about couples enjoying intimacy and he told me it was all bullshit. It only took once for him to seriously call me a nymphomaniac for me to fear that to be the truth. So my question to all of you is how much have you pushed to get your spouses true feelings? Where are you in this whole process? I think I was so afraid to find out if something was really wrong with our relationship or IF possibly he was right and my friends were trying to hurt me with their tales of sex and intimacy, the books were all wrong and indeed I was a nympho!! And so I didn't push too hard for answers. I think I was unknowingly protecting myself because once I found out that he was emotionally abusing me to keep things how he wanted them and I was not a sex maniac and did actually have good friends, I then felt even worse. Once I realized what the emotional abuse and lies had done to me I was hurt even more. Now it made sense that he would always create an atmosphere of unhappiness so we could never get too intimate. He told me things like that blouse showed my back fat too much, he'd say we both need to lose weight, he never looked at me naked and only initiated anything sexual once in the darkness of our bed. And only if it had been a while and he knew I was getting angry. So do you all address the issue? The elephant in the room? Or out of self preservation, do you half the time act like its ok so it doesn't need to be dealt with? Just wondering how long and if you all face the problem head on or if any of you were lied to and were or are too weak to realize it??
Gotitnow Gotitnow
6 Responses May 10, 2012

I agree, you need to be authentic within yourself...comfortable in your own skin. A healthy sex drive doesn't make you a nympho, for chrissakes. And if you find you ARE a nympho? Well, embrace the inner ****, I say.<br />
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But don't let anyone kill your spirit by telling you how life should be lived. Only you can decide how to live.

Killing my spirit is just what he was after. I now know that. Nympho was just the worst thing he could think of that would point out I wanted too much sex! And the funniest thing looking back on it was that the first time he said that to me was in college!! Makes him look like the wierd one! Who wouldn't have wanted sex a few times a week back then!! But it worked for him! I was so embarrassed and I certainly didn't initiate anything much after that. Killed my young spirit with one word!

Look up sister "louiseshaw".<br />
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Go back to her first story. Read everything she has written.<br />
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You will find it quite enlightening I believe.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I couldn't go back very far in her stories. She is dealing with a husband taking drugs. I'm trying to find the correlation.

I would think, as most or all refusers, the truth lies in their actions. I remember the old addage "actions speak louder than words". <br />
Welcome to our Forum, I hope it brings you some modicum of comfort. <br />

Poor you, you sound like some of us here.<br />
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We are a similar age and also been married for the same amount of time. I only discovered how I felt after an explosive very physical relationship with another man and realised what was missing in my marriage. I am one of those trying to get intimacy back into my marriage and so far am having some success after revealing my affair (which is still a huge shock to my husband - he still can't understand why I did it and doesn't seem to get the fact that hardly any sex for many years and none for the past year might make one quite vulnerable!). It sounds as if your husband doesn't like his body and feels uncomfortable with it - and is then projecting his feelings onto you, making you feel bad about yours, wanting both of you to cover yourselves up. Mine has done something similar in that he doesn't like it when I take my clothes off on the occasions I have tried to initiate sex. But I have not had any put downs eg about needing to lose weight and this is bad as it sounds as if it is undermining your self-esteem.

Yes he is undermining my self esteem. He does very carefully and sometimes quietly so I can't really hear. But I do. Then he can make it worse by saying I am just hearing things and making them up. no he isn't insecure about his body. He is always strutting around naked.

Welcome to ILIASM. How do we address it? Stick around and read several hundred random stories. You'll find a variety of reactions. I left a 27 year marriage after 12 years of SM. <br />
You're not alone; we understand. <br />
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I like the observation "Now it made sense that he would always create an atmosphere of unhappiness so we could never get too intimate." That sounds kind of familiar ...

There is someone going on around the 27th year. I know others in this situation. I have a few single friends and I have to say it is quite fun being around all their new lives have to offer! But they say it isn't all roses.

I meant something!

Your friends and all books and webs are not lying ....There are the truth ...It is us who wish them to be lie because we are scared !<br />
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It is not about you being fat ...If somebody loves you he goes for you ....we all ( women ) have something fairly same size !<br />
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I am not fat ,I am young ,pretty ,16 years younger than my husband yet he does not see me !<br />
I have realized that they are sick !<br />
They dont even have instinct as a humanbeing ...even animals to defend their teritory ,and cubs changing season they mate ....except our lazy selfish husband !<br />
what you want is so natural and comes from your heart !<br />
we need intimacy ...even animals have that come it is too much to ask ?