Intimacy Or Sex?

Inspired by AngelicLights who describes herself as a heteroromantic asexual I wondered whether, given the choice of intimacy or sex, which you would choose?

Scenario 1 would be Intimacy.

This would comprise limitless kissing, cuddling, touching, hugging, saying I love you with passion and meaning but no sex. Sexual release would be achieved alone without your partners intervention.

Scenario 2 would be Sex

Say twice a week for ten minutes but no intimacy (kissing, cuddling, touching) for the rest of the week.


I know that the majority of us would prefer both but if you could have only one which would it be and which scenario would cause you to feel more loved?
richardkiss richardkiss
56-60, M
13 Responses May 10, 2012

selinamb,<br />
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I'm sorry I did you the injustice of not reading your opening story. You say that you have never had an ******, never had any desire whatsoever for sex and never achieved any pleasure from ************. This exactly describes the basis of my story above inspired by AngelicLights. She describes herself as a heteroromantic asexual which I think ticks all the boxes in your sexual makeup. She also loves cuddling and kissing the opposite sex and wants to feel needed physically and emotionally. She has no sexual need or feeling of frustration but she longs to have a romantic connection with another human being. If you look on the asexual support groups on the net you will see that there are many different types of asexual who can have and do have perfectly happy and fulfilled lives with a suitable partner.<br />
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I can now fully understand your concern that your sexual relationship may never be satisfactory for you and your husband. He cannot force you to have sexual desires just as you cannot force him to relinquish his sexual desires. It really is so sad because as I see it things can only be improved by both of you making massive sacrifices which will always put a very real and possibly intolerable strain on your marriage. <br />
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It seems to me, unfortunately, that, through no fault of yours or your husband, you are just with an incompatible sexual partner. You are still both young enough to fall in love again with partners with whom you can both enjoy a happy and fulfilling (a)sexual relationship.<br />
<br />
Richard.

richardkiss - While I appreciate you reading my initial story, I must point out that it was from four years ago. I have since discovered that all I thought at the time was wrong. I'm not asexual. Much to my dismay I am still profoundly impacted by the left overs of enduring dear old dad's alcoholism my entire life thanks to my parent's never ever separating and my mom punishing me when i wouldn't accept his behavior. I'm in Adult Children of Alcoholics groups and H and I are sorting out my very deeply seeded intimacy issues which have prohibited me from experiencing the vulnerability that making love requires. I associate vulnerability with abandonment, betrayal, and anxiety. Bah, that's another Experience all together. But the silver lining here is that I'm not actually asexual at all... just a tad on the thoroughly screwed up side.

I left out that when I say "H and I are sorting out..." I mean in therapy. We grew up together so unfortunately he knows first hand what went on in my house.

richardkiss, <br />
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I think you just did a better job at explaining what I was trying to say. I'm saying that for me the touching/cuddling is enough for me and leaves me feeling totally connected to H. However for H, he needs that connection of full blown sex for him to achieve true intimacy. Otherwise he feels disconnected from me and unwanted. Even when we've had no-penetration intimacy and he's climaxed, it's not good enough for him. He needs the real deal. At this point I couldn't care less about actual sex other than my unshakable need to make him feel desired. My passion during the act is all about wanting H to feel wanted and me wanting him rather than the connection he achieves from it. <br />
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I'd say that either both parties need to be 100% good on no release or separate release options otherwise I don't really see it working out. <br />
<br />
Am I making any sense?

first, I get intimacy from my friends if I need it so sex I suppose, but if your talking someone your in an actual relationship with...if I cant have both I am probably leaving at some point...

selinamb,<br />
<br />
You say that 'Any relationship worth having either needs both intimacy AND sex or where both partners are disinterested in sex'. If you love to touch and cuddle without this leading to sex but your husband usually expects sex after any show of intimacy then you may end up not even being able to achieve the intimacy which you so strongly need. This results in you both being unhappy in the relationship. <br />
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Would it not be possible for you to both enjoy the intimacy of kissing and cuddling but then your husband taking care of his climax either with you being present or on his own without your participation? For me sharing the release is an important factor as it is then that the close bonding between partners occurs. Sharing a climax with a partner brings a couple closer together whereas a climax on one's own can make one feel lonely and unloved.<br />
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For me the dogmatic approach of only accepting all or nothing with no compromise would result in me having no sex or intimacy which would have an emotionally devastating effect on my life.

I am perfectly happy if intimacy leads to sex *shrugs* just saying

I know i'm late to the question party, but I just wanted to offer up this bit: I am a romantic gal who loves to touch and be touched by my husband. We play, cuddle, hug, kiss, etc., but the sex is lacking and it is my fault. We're working on it, but it is because the touch without taste is a huge issue. Someone on here said it's like taking a starving man to a restaurant to smell the food but not eat it. I've done a few rounds of duty sex and he hated it. The intimacy bar sex doesn't work, and neither does the sex only. Any relationship worth having either needs both intimacy AND sex or where both partners are disinterested in sex. just my two cents.

It is a valid question, even if it is only valid to you. Period. Full stop. Also, it is actually probably worth knowing that both about you and your partner from the earliest opportunity because it will shape the dynamic of your relationship both inside and outside the bedroom whether you are aware of it or not or whether you like it or not. Instinct, intuition and innateness are so twee and over-rated when they have the potential and actual ability to **** up your life so resoundly. The only answer I will give is that mind-reading as a craft is just mysticism by another name.

I would rather be alone than have either of those options.

I guess I would choose intimacy, of which I have a limited supply. I hate the kind of robotic sex to which you refer. Truth be told, I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW!!! (yes, I meant to shout)<br />
<br />
DB2

This question is presumptive in the same way that mind/body dualism is presumptive.<br />
<br />
I do not make that distinction.<br />
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FWIW, I am magnificent at wanking, and it has pretty much nothing to do with what I want from my intimate sexual relationship. Orthogonal.<br />
<br />
PS - I was aware answering that that I have a sensitivity to these kinds of propositions because they are refuser meat. It's one thing to acknowledge that some people's experience and desire for "sex" is wildly different from my own, a completely different thing to have attempts at deconstruction going on, to my detriment. I am whole.

I have to say bazzar pounded the nail. <br />
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Right now? I have cuddles...and in a way, it's almost worse than having nothing. Like an alcoholic working at the bar.

Love the analogy of an alcoholic working at a bar! Brilliant!

DB2

I can understand your analogy but it may be that if you were not even to experience cuddles you may find that the situation would be truly impossible. The disorientation of tactile deprivation for me is clinically devastating!

I think for myself, the metaphor still holds. I can get hugs and affection from non-romantic sources. So I tend to think of the cuddles I get from Him as torturous. It'd be easier to ignore him, divorce him, and get on with it if he weren't affectionate.

*blush* It's long been how I think of my situation. It makes me more aware of my enforced state of abstinence, rather than offering comfort.

1 More Response

All hypethertical nonsense, I need both but anyway just for the record sex

I can feel your anger and respect your opinion!

Personal opinion.<br />
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The time to address this question at depth is when it might be relevant in your life.<br />
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That would NOT be whilst you are in a dysfunctional relationship, because as long as you are in that circumstance, the question is entirely hypothetical, and unhelpful in resolving the circumstance which has driven one to ask the question.<br />
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If one continues to **** about on hypotheticals about the contents of some future relationship, one is avoiding resolving / ending the present dysfunctional relationship. <br />
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Fact is, there may not be a future relationship to embody the theoretical intimacy / sex question. But you'll never find that out whilst you remain in the shithole.<br />
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Anyway, for what it is worth, where a choice had to be made in a relationship between intimacy / sex, I'd go for neither. For me, one without the other devalues the relationship to levels below which I'd be interested. I'd sooner stay alone until (and if) someone appeared in my life willingly bringing both to the table.<br />
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Tread your own path.

I always have a curiosity regarding comparisons in an attempt to weigh one thing against another. In doing such it helps one to judge the relative merits of the object under consideration.

I did not specifically set out to find relevance in my own life but hoped to encourage and support AngelicLights in her quest for answers regarding her specific sexuality and the likelihood of her finding a suitable partner.

I have, however, realized that maintaining intimacy even without the sex is very relevant and helpful to my own relationship, exactly as Petrushka has found.

A hypothesis is a supposition or proposed explanation made on the basis of limited evidence as a starting point for further investigation. I hypothesize about many things in life and have always found it instrumental in aiding the decision making process. It is only the starting point to further investigation.

Personally if I have intimacy, even without sex, my glass is over half full. Without any sex I would be pretty miserable but without intimacy I would be inconsolable.

Another artificial 'either/or' premise. It can be both or neither.