I Live In a Sexless Marriage

Intimacy Or Sex?

By: richardkiss

Written on May 10th, 2012

Inspired by AngelicLights who describes herself as a heteroromantic asexual I wondered whether, given the choice of intimacy or sex, which you would choose?

Scenario 1 would be Intimacy.

This would comprise limitless kissing, cuddling, touching, hugging, saying I love you with passion and meaning but no sex. Sexual release would be achieved alone without your partners intervention.

Scenario 2 would be Sex

Say twice a week for ten minutes but no intimacy (kissing, cuddling, touching) for the rest of the week.

I know that the majority of us would prefer both but if you could have only one which would it be and which scenario would cause you to feel more loved?

By: richardkiss

Age: 56-60 , Male

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29 responses

richardkiss

selinamb,

I'm sorry I did you the injustice of not reading your opening story. You say that you have never had an ******, never had any desire whatsoever for sex and never achieved any pleasure from ************. This exactly describes the basis of my story above inspired by AngelicLights. She describes herself as a heteroromantic asexual which I think ticks all the boxes in your sexual makeup. She also loves cuddling and kissing the opposite sex and wants to feel needed physically and emotionally. She has no sexual need or feeling of frustration but she longs to have a romantic connection with another human being. If you look on the asexual support groups on the net you will see that there are many different types of asexual who can have and do have perfectly happy and fulfilled lives with a suitable partner.

I can now fully understand your concern that your sexual relationship may never be satisfactory for you and your husband. He cannot force you to have sexual desires just as you cannot force him to relinquish his sexual desires. It really is so sad because as I see it things can only be improved by both of you making massive sacrifices which will always put a very real and possibly intolerable strain on your marriage.

It seems to me, unfortunately, that, through no fault of yours or your husband, you are just with an incompatible sexual partner. You are still both young enough to fall in love again with partners with whom you can both enjoy a happy and fulfilling (a)sexual relationship.

Richard.

Aug 12, 2012
1 like
- selinamb
  richardkiss - While I appreciate you reading my initial story, I must point out that it was from four years ago. I have since discovered that all I thought at the time was wrong. I'm not asexual. Much to my dismay I am still profoundly impacted by the left overs of enduring dear old dad's alcoholism my entire life thanks to my parent's never ever separating and my mom punishing me when i wouldn't accept his behavior. I'm in Adult Children of Alcoholics groups and H and I are sorting out my very deeply seeded intimacy issues which have prohibited me from experiencing the vulnerability that making love requires. I associate vulnerability with abandonment, betrayal, and anxiety. Bah, that's another Experience all together. But the silver lining here is that I'm not actually asexual at all... just a tad on the thoroughly screwed up side.
  
  Aug 12, 2012
  1 like
- selinamb
  I left out that when I say "H and I are sorting out..." I mean in therapy. We grew up together so unfortunately he knows first hand what went on in my house.
  
  Aug 12, 2012
  1 like
selinamb

richardkiss,

I think you just did a better job at explaining what I was trying to say. I'm saying that for me the touching/cuddling is enough for me and leaves me feeling totally connected to H. However for H, he needs that connection of full blown sex for him to achieve true intimacy. Otherwise he feels disconnected from me and unwanted. Even when we've had no-penetration intimacy and he's climaxed, it's not good enough for him. He needs the real deal. At this point I couldn't care less about actual sex other than my unshakable need to make him feel desired. My passion during the act is all about wanting H to feel wanted and me wanting him rather than the connection he achieves from it.

I'd say that either both parties need to be 100% good on no release or separate release options otherwise I don't really see it working out.

Am I making any sense?

Aug 12, 2012
1 like
wickedlittlepixie

first, I get intimacy from my friends if I need it so sex I suppose, but if your talking someone your in an actual relationship with...if I cant have both I am probably leaving at some point...

Aug 12, 2012
1 like
richardkiss

selinamb,

You say that 'Any relationship worth having either needs both intimacy AND sex or where both partners are disinterested in sex'. If you love to touch and cuddle without this leading to sex but your husband usually expects sex after any show of intimacy then you may end up not even being able to achieve the intimacy which you so strongly need. This results in you both being unhappy in the relationship.

Would it not be possible for you to both enjoy the intimacy of kissing and cuddling but then your husband taking care of his climax either with you being present or on his own without your participation? For me sharing the release is an important factor as it is then that the close bonding between partners occurs. Sharing a climax with a partner brings a couple closer together whereas a climax on one's own can make one feel lonely and unloved.

For me the dogmatic approach of only accepting all or nothing with no compromise would result in me having no sex or intimacy which would have an emotionally devastating effect on my life.

Aug 12, 2012
1 like
- wickedlittlepixie
  I am perfectly happy if intimacy leads to sex *shrugs* just saying
  
  Aug 12, 2012
  1 like
selinamb

I know i'm late to the question party, but I just wanted to offer up this bit: I am a romantic gal who loves to touch and be touched by my husband. We play, cuddle, hug, kiss, etc., but the sex is lacking and it is my fault. We're working on it, but it is because the touch without taste is a huge issue. Someone on here said it's like taking a starving man to a restaurant to smell the food but not eat it. I've done a few rounds of duty sex and he hated it. The intimacy bar sex doesn't work, and neither does the sex only. Any relationship worth having either needs both intimacy AND sex or where both partners are disinterested in sex. just my two cents.

Aug 12, 2012
1 like
paxetlux

It is a valid question, even if it is only valid to you. Period. Full stop. Also, it is actually probably worth knowing that both about you and your partner from the earliest opportunity because it will shape the dynamic of your relationship both inside and outside the bedroom whether you are aware of it or not or whether you like it or not. Instinct, intuition and innateness are so twee and over-rated when they have the potential and actual ability to **** up your life so resoundly. The only answer I will give is that mind-reading as a craft is just mysticism by another name.

May 11, 2012
1 like
NorfolkAndChance

I would rather be alone than have either of those options.

May 11, 2012
3 likes
DanteBurning2

I guess I would choose intimacy, of which I have a limited supply. I hate the kind of robotic sex to which you refer. Truth be told, I WANT IT ALL, AND I WANT IT NOW!!! (yes, I meant to shout)

DB2

May 11, 2012
2 likes
hl42

This question is presumptive in the same way that mind/body dualism is presumptive.

I do not make that distinction.

FWIW, I am magnificent at wanking, and it has pretty much nothing to do with what I want from my intimate sexual relationship. Orthogonal.

PS - I was aware answering that that I have a sensitivity to these kinds of propositions because they are refuser meat. It's one thing to acknowledge that some people's experience and desire for "sex" is wildly different from my own, a completely different thing to have attempts at deconstruction going on, to my detriment. I am whole.

May 11, 2012
3 likes
msdamgoode

I have to say bazzar pounded the nail.

Right now? I have cuddles...and in a way, it's almost worse than having nothing. Like an alcoholic working at the bar.

May 10, 2012
1 like
- DanteBurning2
  Love the analogy of an alcoholic working at a bar! Brilliant!
  DB2
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
- richardkiss
  I can understand your analogy but it may be that if you were not even to experience cuddles you may find that the situation would be truly impossible. The disorientation of tactile deprivation for me is clinically devastating!
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
- msdamgoode
  I think for myself, the metaphor still holds. I can get hugs and affection from non-romantic sources. So I tend to think of the cuddles I get from Him as torturous. It'd be easier to ignore him, divorce him, and get on with it if he weren't affectionate.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
- msdamgoode
  *blush* It's long been how I think of my situation. It makes me more aware of my enforced state of abstinence, rather than offering comfort.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
1 More Reply
Petrushka

I'm in the first scenario now. I was in the situation of no sex, no closeness, no hugs, no touches, no kisses (except for the hugs, touches, kisses I bestowed), just a lot of A/P crap 3 years ago when I first blew in to ILIASM.

I was very sad, very dispirited, and quite clear-eyed about not wanting to go on like that.

Getting some perspective gave me the get up and go to confront my wife and have my sadness out to her. I was non-confrontational, I just told her about how terribly sad I was, how I felt that I was merely the changer-of-lightbulbs-and-washers around the place ...

Now, she's not really the refuser type, her a/p was defensive, I was reminiscent of her abusive a/p father in that I have a strong presence and she has worked very hard since to get past that.

We are now at a point where we cuddle practically every night, I get (and she gets) lots of hugs and kisses every god-damned day, warm looks, smiles, we horse around so young people in the room blush and do a double take.

Still no sex, I am taking it slowly here.

But what I have now fills my emotional needs. I have my cake, just not the icing, and I can do without the icing, just as I do with real cakes.

This is much, much better than having a relationship with lots of sex but no deep emotional connection.

Your mileage may vary, I realize that, but I know what I want and need, and this is where it's at. She's woken up, she's letting the defenses down more and more, and she's loving it, as am I. What more can I ask for, since we're also a very good match in just about every other way that counts.

May 10, 2012
3 likes
- richardkiss
  In many ways your experience and the way you are handling it mirrors my own! When I was bitter about not having any way near the sex I wanted we were in a situation of permanent conflict. My wife always felt that I was only taking an interest in her physically as a means to get her to have sex. She thought that if she did not allow me to touch her then I would not keep on being disappointed by her refusal of sex. I explained to her, as you similarly did with your wife, that without intimacy I was a hopelessly lost soul, depressed and without direction. Without touch and affection my life had no importance or meaning. I told her that even if we never had sex again for the rest of our lives I still needed the physical intimacy of touch. Although she has only a fraction of my intimacy needs she did understand and heeded my plight. Since then she knows that I will never expect sex to follow any physical intimacy on offer so that now she does not feel pressurized and at least I have the benefit of a partial intimacy fix!
  Just like your wife the defenses have been substantially lowered and we have been functioning very much more as an empathetic team.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
Frustrated1978

All hypethertical nonsense, I need both but anyway just for the record sex

May 10, 2012
1 like
- richardkiss
  I can feel your anger and respect your opinion!
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
bazzar

Personal opinion.

The time to address this question at depth is when it might be relevant in your life.

That would NOT be whilst you are in a dysfunctional relationship, because as long as you are in that circumstance, the question is entirely hypothetical, and unhelpful in resolving the circumstance which has driven one to ask the question.

If one continues to **** about on hypotheticals about the contents of some future relationship, one is avoiding resolving / ending the present dysfunctional relationship.

Fact is, there may not be a future relationship to embody the theoretical intimacy / sex question. But you'll never find that out whilst you remain in the shithole.

Anyway, for what it is worth, where a choice had to be made in a relationship between intimacy / sex, I'd go for neither. For me, one without the other devalues the relationship to levels below which I'd be interested. I'd sooner stay alone until (and if) someone appeared in my life willingly bringing both to the table.

Tread your own path.

May 10, 2012
7 likes
- richardkiss
  I always have a curiosity regarding comparisons in an attempt to weigh one thing against another. In doing such it helps one to judge the relative merits of the object under consideration.
  I did not specifically set out to find relevance in my own life but hoped to encourage and support AngelicLights in her quest for answers regarding her specific sexuality and the likelihood of her finding a suitable partner.
  I have, however, realized that maintaining intimacy even without the sex is very relevant and helpful to my own relationship, exactly as Petrushka has found.
  A hypothesis is a supposition or proposed explanation made on the basis of limited evidence as a starting point for further investigation. I hypothesize about many things in life and have always found it instrumental in aiding the decision making process. It is only the starting point to further investigation.
  Personally if I have intimacy, even without sex, my glass is over half full. Without any sex I would be pretty miserable but without intimacy I would be inconsolable.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
LaoTzu

Another artificial 'either/or' premise. It can be both or neither.

May 10, 2012
3 likes
mvcmvc

Curious - Why such a mutual exclusivity question?

May 10, 2012
1 like
- richardkiss
  AngelicLights had reached the conclusion from our posts here that she would find it well nigh impossible to meet a suitable partner. She described herself as a heteroromantic asexual. She loves kissing, cuddling and intimacy as long as it doesn't include genital contact. I pointed out to her that there surely would be a lot of people in ILIASM who would very much welcome a high intimacy need woman because many of our group had partners who did not want either sex or intimacy.
  Personally speaking if someone wanted to kiss, cuddle and touch me many times during the day this would cause me to feel more emotionally connected than someone who allowed me to have sex with them even say twice a week but with no intimacy the rest of the time.
  I know that many of our group would say that there is no future in having a relationship with an asexual but if a romantic asexual such as AngelicLights is offering such a great amount of intimacy, which she herself needs, I think it makes one wonder. I am not necessarily saying that one should openly seek such a relationship but that if, after many years, we find our partner has lost their libido but still has a high need for intimacy we could do a lot worse.
  This inspired me to approach our members and ask whether or not at least having intimacy without the sex would be better than nothing at all.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
- mvcmvc
  This might work out if the female is the refuser because the female would probably still want you to engage in all the pair bonding behaviors with the exception sex. If the refuser is the male, generally speaking, if he is not interested in sexual intimacy with the woman (regardless of his physical capabilities), most of his intimate pair bonding behaviors eventually go extinct. There will eventually be NO hand holding, no kissing, cuddling and other intimacy. It is a double whammy for the woman - no sex and no intimacy.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
- mvcmvc
  So with that I would definitely not choose either options. If the guy isn't into me sexually (regardless of physical status) he isn't going to engage in any of the pair bonding behaviors over the long haul.
  
  May 11, 2012
  1 like
JRD22

Intimacy! Great Question:

May 10, 2012
1 like

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