Is This Normal?

So many of you were kind enough to read and comment on my last story froma few days ago. I had finally told the H that I was not trying.
We were however civil, and he still said his goal was trying to be with me but he did not expect it.

Last night, I was texting back and forth with a male friend- this is my sometime hookup (BG: after 10 yrs of an SM, it's in my background story as well. H and I had NO sex for the first 6 yrs and I harassed, threatened begged, pleaded and made hi. Get medical help, emotional help to where we started having sex once every 5 months or so. Year 7 we had sex a few times, because we wanted a child. Year 8 we had sex Once, year 9 twice. This year I gave him an ultimatum, he tried, 5 times and it's too late for me. I resent him and he makes my skin crawl)

So, back to last night, I'm having a totally unrelated text argument with my friend and sometime hookup about appreciation. H does not know about the hookup, just that he is a friend. He found my text messages this morning and he hates me. Is it normal that this does not bother me? That what I like about this is that he will just move out now and drop the getting back together thing? That my only worry is to enforce not fighting in front of our child?

I know this is the perfect smoking gun to him: he can explain away our marriage not working to himself and everyone else as "she cheated" and never take responsibility. All our marriage, I have driven and fought for everything, he's been the passive, inactive one. I've been independent and borne it with as much grace as I can muster, to where no one ever knew we even had problems- and what angers me is that he will not accept responsibility even now for HIS problem. HE broke us, he wrecked our marriage, he nearly drove me to insanity and suicide, and he will now also escape taking any responsibility. I am so angry about this.
Sillydaisy Sillydaisy
31-35, F
3 Responses May 11, 2012

This 'being the bad guy' is the cherry on top of the "getting out of the dysfunctionsl marriage" process.<br />
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You'll find, that this (as a judgement applied by outside persons) is pretty fleeting, and, as it refers to other peoples behavior - completely beyond your control anyway.<br />
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Whether people take your, or his, "side" has no material alteration to the facts.<br />
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And people don't think about you anywhere near as much as you think they do. (This is the prejorative "you", not directed at you personally).<br />
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Tread your own path.

Daisy<br />
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If he wants to delude himself by believing that the imminent break-up of your marriage is all down to you there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, and would you want to? It is HIS problem, HIS burden. Also, he did not break you or your marriage. He simply didn't make the grade, your grade. He was never going to. You were and are incompatible. If it makes you feel better about the situation label him as the perpetrator of the crime much as he has labelled you the perpetrator of the crime. However, how exhausting, distressing, disabling and distracting do you think it will be as a result?<br />
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Find your reserves and take care of yourself. Smile outwardly and try to smile inwardly.

Thank you, yes focus on what I can control, myself,rather than his behavior. Works in a variety of situations, I needed that reminder. And your're right, it's incompatibility, plain and simple.

Maybe it doesn't bother you because you're done with your husband. Definitely don't fight in front of any kids.