My Story Of Sexlessness, In Brief.

I'm very new to this website, and I hope that I can find understanding and support here about my own sexless marriage. Maybe even learn what I can do about it! My husband and I have been married for over 16 years, and I am MAD AS HELL that we have a sexless marriage. I would NEVER have agreed to that!!! I feel very betrayed. He has...issues with sex (parents are religious and work for the church. Christian. You can imagine). Issues he's never bothered to deal with. I thought I'd be that special someone for him and being the person who could help him move passed his issues (I know, how silly of me). Even though I was patient and gentle with him, sex never improved in frequency or, um, fun over the YEARS. 3 months would go by and no sex. I asked, begged, for more. He said he would change but never has. A few times I didn't ask for sex for about 7 months, and guess how many times I had it? ZERO! He was happy not to have sex with me. I told him that sex was important to me, that without it we have little intimacy. I need love. I need sex. He said he'd change. He didn't. I told him that sex with him should last longer than him "doing the deed" and rolling over. He has to touch me in other places. He agreed. The next time we had sex was 7 months later. He 'did the deed' and rolled over. I swore that I'd never let him treat me that way again. I haven't had sex in almost a year with him, and that's JUST FINE with me. Now I want a divorce. He doesn't believe that I will divorce him, but he doesn't understand how BADLY I feel all the time, despite the fact that I tell him. Btw, we have two gorgeous kids, so leaving him is very difficult.

Why oh why did he do this to us?
Wonderminty Wonderminty
41-45, F
6 Responses May 11, 2012

Stay mad as hell, and use the energy to change your world. That's what feelings can do for you, if you let them.<br />
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I'm totally with you with never ever in a million years agreeing with the kind of deal DW used to think was acceptable. And that realisation was one of the things that propelled me to change, whatever happened.<br />
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Never again.

Thanks, hl42! I am happy to hear that you were propelled to change: it gives me hope that it can happen for me. After reading everyone's comments yesterday, something "clicked" inside of me. I realized that I contributed to my own suffering and that I can also make it stop. I have a way to go, but I feel I've made the first few steps to freedom. And, I TOTALLY get the "never again" bit. Boy do I ever! I will never allow someone to treat me badly. If he doesn't want me, I will find someone else. I know I can cuz I am awesome!! I will never get married again, either. Thanks for your input! It's so great to know that I'm not alone.

Wonder, I'm of the exact same opinion that I will never get married again either. feel very strongly the same way.Once released I won't enter back into the institution.

"Sometimes, it's not about you. It's only about them being on their secret, demented mission. <br />
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You're just an innocent bystander."<br />
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Just think that bears repeating... a number of times!!

Thank you too for your emphasis on the idea it's not about ME. Knowing that it isn't about me has somehow helped me not be angry at him anymore: how can I be angry that someone doesn't love me the way I want to be loved? I can't. Would I attack a random person on the street and get mad at him for not loving me well? It seems silly. Er, sillier? somewhat silly?

You and I are in almost exactly the same situation. Coming up on 17 yrs, wasn't good in the beginning but I thought it would improve and she could learn, and hoped that as she aged, you know the female sexual peak in the late 30s, 40s, would be perfect. Couldn't break up with her when it wasn't terrible but wasn't great. Here we are almost 17 years later and it's many months between couplings. I don't care any more. I have given up. I worked my *** off trying for years to make it better, read all of the books, did everything I could reasonably think I could do, and nada. It is the way it is, and it's not gonna change. My two beautiful kids get to have their father around until some later date, likely when they leave for college. They are too awesome to hurt, so that's the way it is. I'm past the anger and I guess I've found some place of neutrality. Not happy about it, not pissed or anxious anymore. I think I'm really just beat into submission honestly, but it's for my children. I can endure. I wish you the best. <br />
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Of course, don't get me wrong. If there is a ILISM convention I'll be the first to volunteer to coordinate it, and I'll be going crazy, that's for sure. The desire is not gone by any means. The desire with her is out the window, but gimmeee a willing partner and I'm back in the saddle riding full ahead. <br />
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Snakedoctor1

We are similar, aren't we??! Even down to the "wait and see what develops" kinda attitude. I guess you and I are both very giving people, all for the hope of a good relationship. So now you have become numb with trying. Wow: me too. I totally understand your willingness to endure for your kids. I'm coming to that conclusion myself cuz I'm nervous that if I'm not around to help them develop, that their father will find a way to screw it up for them. I'm not bashing him, note: it is a real concern. And, what is an ILSIM? I can't work it out.
May you find that willing partner! Wishing you the best right back at you.

That was supposed to be ILISM (Ilive in a sexless marriage) sorry, fingers got confused.:)

Wait till you read more stories in this forum. Its a steep learning curve. A few members have already mentioned that the 'why' does not matter. Further reading will accustom you to the fact that your spouse does not and possibly cannot love you the way you want to be loved. You will also find that you are responsible for your choices and the consequences. You have choices - they aren't immediately pleasant ones and they carry their measure of pain. You choose the pain. Best wishes.

I've been repeating your words to myself: " that your spouse does not and possibly cannot love you the way you want to be loved. You will also find that you are responsible for your choices and the consequences.". Yep! Made me realize more about my role in perpetuating this bulls**t dance we play. I can see that I needn't dance anymore. I am surprisingly OK with that!

Would it help if you could just be more accepting of the tragedy? An outsider, with no emotional investment or bias might say that although you are his victim, he is a victim of his parents, his upbringing and the church, probably in that order. As you said yourself, with the benefit of hindsight, you were too ambitious about being able to help him be another person, another identity. Sometimes it happens, often it does not. It is a HUGE gamble, in your case it did not pay off. The two of you are just irrevocably incompaptible and he possibly sees you as being as strange as you see him. So strange in fact that he can't comprehend how or why you would divorce him over this. Oops! His mistake!

You make an intriguing statement, "...more accepting of the tragedy". I have, early in our relationship, acknowledged that I'm a victim and so is he, (that's what kept me hanging around trying to 'help' him) but I don't think I've viewed the situation from the compassionate viewpoint you adopt with your vision of a tragedy. Thank you for this insight. It takes some of my anger away. I will think on this further. And, you're right: it IS terrible that he can't see how I'd divorce him over this. He is an idiot (said with compassion and sadness).

I certainly know the quest for why. I felt that if I knew why, I could change things. I when I asked why, it was 'I'm not in the mood,' 'my tummy is too full,' 'I've had too much wine,' 'I'm tired,' 'I just want to cuddle,' etc...that was before total shutdown occurred. Once it was total shut down mode, it was 'I think it might be hormonal,' and 'I think I might be turning into a badge.' <br />
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When I told her this made things very difficult for me, she said "I'm sorry." Then "I'm not sure what to do." <br />
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There were a couple of times where she took pity on me. This resulted in some of the worst sex I've ever had. I want to be desired, not just ******. Just how I am. It is not simple "sexual release" (best said in a funny voice) as the preachers of the world would have us believe. It is THE bond and THE reason we all get together in the first place. <br />
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I might have stayed if everything else was perfect (though, I did lie and say it was all perfect many times), but it was far from it. <br />
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After I left I got a letter, where she detailed the reasons we 'drifted apart.' The main reason? She didn't respect me owing to a long backlist of perceived slights. <br />
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There is more to the story. See my story 'sexless in oregon.' <br />
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You are not alone, and you will search for his why. Be forewarned though, the why is because of him, not because of you, and if he could change it, he would have already.

Also, he might just be gay milk. Happens.

Thanks, Filtermachine, for sharing and for showing me that I'm not the only one who wants my partner to want me (ideally, desperately, cuz, like, I'm a great person). It really is about the bond!

I shake my head at the letter she sent you. I'm sure you did too. It suggests that she (and other sexless partners), even after all is said and done, continue their misunderstandings and fail to see their own responsibility in what happened. I've always suspected it, but it is good to have it confirmed (though not good it happened to you).

Thank you for telling me that I'm not alone. It feels like crap to be alone in my suffering. Misery and company and all that. You are so very right to highlight that the "why" is about him, and that if he could change it, he would have already done so. A question for you, if you don't mind: How long did it take you to move on (i.e., to disconnect from her, in your head and heart)?

Haha. He's not gay. He's just Churchy.

How long? Well, I knew I had a major problem in October. It was always me needing more than her, and I always had to initiate, and I had to put MASSIVE amounts of energy into it. She had admitted for years about having sex with me because she felt guilty about all the energy I was putting into her. BUT, In October it went into shut down mode. By December I knew I needed a solution or I would go crazy. In January we had the talk. By the end of February we were legally separated, by early march I drove off with no return. Divorce is not yet complete, but might be by next week. Emotionally...it was very hard and painful. When you love someone like I love someone...leaving is like loosing a child. End of the earth type feeling. But I got through it. Most of march was me in a cloud, alternating proactively working for my future and nearly having a mental breakdown. As April began I drove even further away, and had some friends to help me through it. Honestly I feel like this week is it for letting go of the pain. Now I just have to learn to deal with the happy memories. It will come, and I feel my heart healing itself slowly. It just takes time. It is harder than you think it will be, but it is also better than you think it will be!

Wow, it was pretty recent for you! I am happy to hear your heart is healing and that you're the kind of person who can love someone so well. I imagine it will be difficult for me to leave and readjust and to heal, but that's better than staying and suffering. Thanks!

If he's "Churchy" and still doesn't understand when you say you want to divorce him, have him read 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 Paul uses the word "FRAUD" when dealing with partners withholding sex from their spouse. It also says how it leads the other into temptation for adultery.

Don't let your sons model this behavior in their own marriages!

This is excellent, FM, but I have to ask: what is a "badge" in this context?

Turning into a badger. Badgers do not hang out with other badgers. They only meet once a year to mate!

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