More Ways To Reject

It is amazing to me how my hubby is finding new ways to reject me lol

I won't put myself out there for him for sexual rejection because really . . . it cuts to the core in a really bad way.

I told my hubby his hair looked cute (his hair is down to his neck area and kinky and he put it in a small ponytail for soccer). he's like, no he's not.

it seems soooo small but even a just a rejection of a compliment seems like it compounds all teh rejection history, all of the subtle verbal abuse.

I am seriously going to need some anti-depressents soon cuz I don't think I can cope with the kidz and everything with all of that. its horrible.

its like right when things are getting better, something small slips and makes me fall all over my A**.
darktippedrose darktippedrose
31-35, F
15 Responses May 12, 2012

My husband's main excuse is his migraine. He tells me he has a migraine and then utters quietly, "I just can't handle you right now." That was the last rejection I heard two years ago. I haven't put myself in a position to hear it again.

exactly I haven't really put myself in that position and then like 4-5 months ago he says "you don't initiate sex anymore". yeah - THAT statement said volumes

P.S. skip the anti-depressants,,you got enough on your plate without a bunch of chemicals messing stuff up. ( Just my two cents )

thanx. I usually just dance the pain away lol

Do you dance around the house a lot ? Or save it for when you are at the studio ?

at home, and I only go to dance class once a week.

You are climbing a huge hill of negativety on a daily ba<x>ses,, No matter what progress you seem to make,,there always seems to be something to put the negativity back in your view.<br />
You still remain such a posative person,, I am amazed, and so glad that there are still people around who will fight the good fight .

thanx

i think u should spent more time with him take care oh him till he realize ur feelings

and what do u think I have been doing?

You say he changed after the kids, right? I think he has an issue with the fact that your children are autistic. He would need professional help for that hurdle, love.

yes, he drastically changed after two event that happened right around the same time - he didn't end up getting the "sister-wife" he wanted and he hated my reaction to it, and we found out the kidz had autism. all around the same time.

Sister-wife?

another wife just not on paper

I disagree with any man that wants to collect women like cattle. Especially if he doesn't treat them properly... May I ask why you married him?

for religious reasons - I had a hard time learning religion and women had a hard time teaching me, and I didn't want to sin with sex out of marriage.

on another note I should have waited - I would have learned that sex out of marriage isn't the worse sin, lol.

and afterwards, I fell in love with him. although I think that falling in love was one sided

I feel for you, love :| It sounds like you don't have many options...

for right now - I don't, but I have NO intention of stayig forever, y'know. I want to wait until my kidz are in high school

Do you really want to model this situation as what "marriage" is to your children? They'll either avoid it or create similar situations for their own lives. IMO, they'd be far better off with two single parents who are happy and content - possibly with a step-parent who loves their parent.

Yes, but you have to consider her home country and customs. If it were that simple to leave, I'm almost certain she'd be gone by now.

I live in the usa, but the cultural customs I guess of the community is hard to get out of. because He could easily get all the other men to back him in anything. so I'd like to wait until the kidz get older, slowly build myself up to being more independent before it happens.

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I think you should communicate. The sooner, the better. Don't try guessing. Being nice just by "thinking" this is what he wants it is not an appropriate approach. Maybe you're into this. But he's not. Every person can be romantic, sensual, tender and loving as long as this is his/her purpose. Kinda sad after reading your story but if there's hope is more than enough...

do you really think I HAVEN'T tried communication. He will reject me and cut me down and then later he will conveniently "4get" about it

No! I mean...seeing a woman here, on EP, means she's open minded in the first place. I don't think you're rigid or conceited. From your description HE is "refusing" some compliments and this was my lead...of some miscommunication.

yes, that is the hard part. A lot of ppl who have been married for 30 + years and everything always talk about communication, honesty etc. but you can't have these things with an uncooperative or a lazy spouse.

You know all the details, you Rose! :)) I'm just chatting here, because your story was intriguing. Filling up the blanks for all those willing to hear them leads to a possible solution or "help" (maybe a little bit misplaced)... If you figured it out already, the best way is to share that with him and just let him be!

no talking with about this, he won't even think its a problem. trust me its just the way it is. I plan on getting a divorce when my kidz hit high school. trust me, withe the complexities involved in sexless marriage, theres never a solution.

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Rejection is perhaps the most deadly of sins in a marriage.It eats at you to a point you where.It hurts deep down at your core.It seems like clear message I don't want you.Over a few years of rejection and people somehow get out of the marriage.Not getting it here most will be getting somewhere else..You would be surprised you are not alone there..

so true. it is deadly , along with being ignored. I can't regret my marriage because of benefits I've had and learned along the way, but I don't ever want a rejected/sexless marriage again

I feel for you.I was married for 20 years to my ex.loveless marriage for sure..She never knew how to hug ..hold..smile..I could go on.The last 5 years were the worst.How many times did she look at me and say she hated.How many times did she just go upstairs to watch TV.and I wouldn't see her for days although she was in the same house..How many times did she just argue just put me down.The last 5 years we slept in separate beds.Then one day over a bottle of homemade wine I told I was leaving her.5 weeks later I had an apartment .Year later I was divorced.I don't hate her.....I can't..she still the mother of my son..All be it he is married and moved out on his own.Perhaps we can chat sometime and I will detail:)

yes that would be nice. I have fouknd comfort with my great aunt as she has gone through something similar to me.

Oh no, I dont think you should take that too seriously....<br />
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Its one of those 'stereotypical' guy things. You called him cute. Cute is for fluffy bunnies and desirable girlies. I can see most guys rejecting being called cute.<br />
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Still I don't know him so you would know much better than me.

well I didn't call him cute and then he rejected me. He rejects ALL compliments. not just cute ones.

I guess it is just him then. Not nice either way.

about 90 days, there were several ones between the real thing and my ex----but the hunt is a lot of fun. You mentioned you were Muslim, Shite or Suni, and what country are you from? (just courious)

sunni - usa. wow 90 days, such a lonely road lol

Just get out and find someone who can love you and your kids. That can happen and will if you give it a chance. Sex is the greatest gift God gave mankind, it is the greatest communication tool that woman and man have, it is spiritual as well as physicial. The more you have sex the more you bond. I hope you find someone, see I lived that for 5 years, now I have someone.

how long were you alone for inbetween?

Why won't you accept the truth? No, his hair is _not_ cute, and neither is he.

haha - sounds like my wedding night, "I'm not cute, I'm a man, kittens are cute, I am a man"

Don't be over sensitive

how am I being oversensitive?

Don't take any of his words as they are meant to hurt you

oh I know his intention wasn't to hurt me, but how he can't even take a small compliment from me just compounds all the past rejections and everthing else into one big strike to me, y'know?

It isn't abuse. But it is insensetive. Abuse implies intent, and I think the word and discussion around it benefits from preserving the power of the word, rather than applying it to cases where someone just feels badly. With that said, I totally understand the feeling, when a compliment is consistently rejected. Over time, it becomes a rejection of my discerning taste, and is disrespectful of the small risk I assume in posing that compliment (ie. the risk of having my taste rejected). My intention in a compliment is to express my appreciation in a positive manner, and help bring someone up who has earned it. If, instead, my compliments consistently end up as the catalyst for further self-flagellation, then it defeats the purpose. I was better off not complimenting, and so was my partner.

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My wife often makes comments about how I never say anything nice to her anymore. The problem is she does not know how or refuses to accept compliments. Anytime I attempt to say something nice or convey any type of sentiment her way a snide comment or rebutal is what comes back at me. I am not a very touchy feeling person but have always tried to say the things I feel and express how I feel about my wife. It is not worth the effort anymore

If he wasn't what he is I would suggest to him to not think so negatively, not to so readily reject compliments. I don't find it easy to accept compliments. I feel awkward because my instinct is that it would inflate my ego in a way that would be unhealthy and misleading. Sometimes I suspect people's true motives in giving them. That makes me a cynic I guess which is a trait, like all others, that has both good and bad aspects. It can protect you but it also fends off and offends others. As I am now quite ancient I am a lot easier going now about it because, if nothing else, I reckon that whatever people's motive it doesn't really matter too much and I do realise that accepting such things do grease the wheels, etc, etc.<br />
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Maybe it would help you to think, "How sad that you can't accept a simple complement from me, OR ANYONE ELSE". He is isolating himself and that is a lonely place to be. Perhaps his next stop should be a hermitage.<br />
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I knew that when everyone around me was getting married at THAT AGE that it was not the thing for me for who knows what number of reasons. Some people, both men and women, get those warnings signs then too but just go ahead and get married anyway, often at the behest of the other person who decides to ignore THOSE WARNING SIGNALS.

yeah I thought it was just wedding jitters. or just nerves from before I was making a "leap of faith" lol. but I can't regret it because of my children. and also, since I am religious, there was a lot of religious studying that I coukldn't have done w/o him. but more or less, yeah. Knowing what I know now, i would say wait until 30, lol.

"How sad that you can't accept a simple complement from me, OR ANYONE ELSE". -- Well, that's the thing, isn't it. Because in my experience, the only compliments rejected are from me, the spouse. Whereas unsolicited advice is enthusiastically considered, followed, rather than taken as criticism, and compliments are gushed over, from others. I raised my observations, particularly in the cases of the same advice, the same compliments, and pointed out the common demoninator in the negative reaction, which she had not considered. It led to the beginning of an interesting discussion about the prospects of working on our relationship and moving forward with each other, if one of us simply won't let the other step out of the dysfunctional role.

i say go talk to a counsler and see if he would support you going on a spirit search by your self with one of your coven leaders. leave the kids behind and let him take care of them by him self, let him make all the bill payments and dr. appointment, club meetings, kids class, kids clubs, shoping, and house chores. you need to find a new spirit to give you strength.